Prescription and Synthetic Drug Abuse Support Group
If you or a loved one is struggling with presciption drug abuse, this is the community to discuss your experience, find support, and meet others going through a similar fight. You don't have to struggle with addiction alone. Ask a question, give advice, share your story, and get hope for recovery here.
Its been almost three years since i have gotten back hooked on to opiates and anti anxiety meds. All the stress, pain and responsibilities i have were already wayy too much, i already felt like i was going to break. And then i had a re-traumatizing experience, even worse and more painful then the first time it happened. And i didnt tell, i didnt run, i didnt do anything JUST like last time. its like i was frozen in fear or shock for an entire month maybe i still am who knows. I just started talking about it but my firends , family, theyre people that wud just rather not know, or deal with it. Ignore it. Ignore it. If you ignore it it doesnt exist it will go away. What a crock of shit reality they live in, i know. So i relapsed, but its not like i did it on my own, i have an enabler , he enables everything and he just wont seem to stay out of my life. I used everyday for a month and a half , blew all my hard earned money, almost lost not only my job but my career , falling behind in school. I havent used in two days and all i can seem to think about is I need a pill , my head hurts my body aches , i feel so empty , i cant even think. I NEED A PILL, crush, chop, sniff, crush, chop, sniff. I can almost feel the drip running down my throat and it taste like all the pain i feel that i dont deserve leaving and all the happiness and peace i do deserve dripping down into me , that i want to feel like this forever. That this is what I DESERVE to feel like. This is what normal and okay feels like. This is what love feels like. I am scared to think of what i might do right now for just one line. To quiet the pain and send it back to the depths of my mind . SHUT UP. I just want it to shut up. I just want to feel what other people feel, act the way they act . I dont get excited like they do over stupid little things, i just dont care . I just want that sweet sweet taste in the back of my throat again. To feel numb to the pain . the loneliness, the emptiness, the fear .The knowing that life is meaningless and we all end up decomposing into dirt and everything we do, all our effort amounts to NOTHING. Nothing. But im smart enough to know that drugs are deceptive they make u think therye helping when theyre not , therye hurting you. Your mind and body, your chemical balance and emotions, i know that. But whats the point when everything else hurts us anyway? Everyone else?
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check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
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I was recently separated from my wife of 33 years and it's complicated. Anyway I rented a room about 15 minutes away and I see my kids about once a week. I see the people who own the house I live in once in a while but other than that I stay in my room where I do my cooking, wash dishes in the shower, read, color, and sleep. I get out at least once a day. I grocery shop and I attend 2 meetings...
You need alot of support. You are not getting it from your family or friends. By not listening to you, they are in denial. You need to get this stuff out! Repressed memories will do lots of harm later in life if not dealt with!
It also sounds like you have alot of triggers with the biggest one being the trauma you suffered in the past. (a trigger is emotional pain like stress or anxiety. When faced with that trigger every day, eventually we will give in to that trigger and run back to our drug of choice! It's just, a matter, of time) Your enabler is also a trigger!
It sad that your friends and family refused to listen to you when replays of these horrific events began resurfacing in your mind! When that happens, it's extremely important to let them play out, if not with me or somebody here, then with somebody you can trust who can give you the support at the same time.
I know you think the pills make you happy because they did me too, but I had to keep chasing that happiness by adding more pills to each dose as my tolerance grew.
I later learned what happens when we take opiates. Your brain releases a huge amount of dopamine between the neurotransmitters and this is what gives you that "high!" Your brain is not design that way so it begins dropping opiate receptors in an effort to balance itself out. This is called, building a tolerance!
I started taking 2 five miligram vicodins a day and after 3 years, I was taking five 10 miligram vicodins 3 times a day. Then I hit rock bottom and almost died. I ended up in the hospital with kidney failure caused by my addiction. After 3 days in the hospital, doctors eventually got my kidneys going again.
It was a miracle that I survive but I was lucky because I lost friends who were also opiate addicts. I went to their funerals and met with confused parents in tears who were devastated to lose a loved one. You see, Being addicted to narcotics is like being on a train that you know will crash when it gets to the end of the line!
After I got out of the hospital, I went into detox for 4 days, then into a 3 week IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) followed by 3 months of ounce a week relapse prevention, group counseling.
That was over 6 years ago. Today, I continue to attend occasional meetings of AA and NA. I live my life by the 12 steps and am very happy. I wish that for you!
I know you are hurting very deeply inside and my heart goes out to you, but I think that with a little support, you can change your life around, and become a stronger person so you can one day be happy.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep us posted.
God Bless!
Anyway, I know exactly how you feel, especially about family just wanting to ignore the problem. I've been drinking and popping pills (whenever I can, I choose pills over booze) for 10 years now. My mother told me today that I'm not an addict because I don't do it every hour of the day. Is she serious? She was an RN for 27 years!
I know that craving and I know the self hate that follows. It's torture. I'm here for you any time you need to talk. You can inbox me if you want. I'll always reply, might take me a bit due to work and family obligations...but I will reply! I also want to go to rehab but can't afford to lose my job and wouldn't have anyone to watch my kids for that long. But, I know I need it. I don't want to go to meetings in town either because I hide my addictions as well. I'm hoping talking with people like myself will help. It's going to be very difficult for you with your enabler around. It is for me anyway...but maybe we can help each other, eh?
Kiana, you have already shown your strength by understanding your problems and coming to some sort of support group, like this website. I did the same and have realized that merely reading other people's problems, similar to my own, helps in a way.
Be strong, find one friend who you know will listen, no matter the circumstance, and enjoy a nice evening spilling out the beans. They will love you more for it and you will love them for being there and understanding. I was blessed to have a best friend, my only friend really, who will sit with me for over 9 hours, just eating dinner letting me speak about the issues I have and listening to music. Every second with her allows me to detox.
Best of luck to you!