Hey sorry i saw this just now, as i am new as of today.. I had a really close relationship with my grandma also. I started going crazy with my mental illneas and i ended up on drugs. I have smoked weed aomewhat consistently over the years. As for the cocaine, i used to do that. I found that after a while when i would have the coke crash i would need to have or get more to feel any joy. I crave it pretty regularly. But i am thankfully able to have people who are supportive and i love them. Im probably telling you so many of the same things you hear all the time...sorry I just want to help but i dont want to sound preachy. I'm not judging you. As for pills i have been clean from painkillers for coming on 3 years. I was doing oxys Percocet vicodin. Long story short i didnt have enough money...so i was really sick for maybe a week maybe.more than that. Vomit stomach issues aches sweating. Not ableto sleep shaky whatever. Tried to take my like and ended up at a dual diagnosis psych hospital/drug rehab. Please..look for help with these issues with a doctor if at all possible. Noone deserves to be destroyed by addiction. Also NA meetings can be really helpful. Each meeting is unique.

Anything painful in your life will only be a 100 times worse when you cause permanent injury to your kidneys (ibuprofen). Cocaine will make your ability to enjoy simple things IMPOSSIBLE. It will ruin your life. The better coke makes you feel the bigger the problem you are gonna have with it. I have been there. Get to a doctor. Be honest with him. Get to some N.A. meetings. Keep us posted. We care!!

Thank you both. Luckily I don't know who to get the coke from now that I recently moved back to my home state. I'm tempted to seek it, but I try my best not to figure that one out. As for doctors, I am about to get a job at a hospital and haven't met with any doctors about getting medicated for depression and getting help for drug issues. Do you think telling a doctor all these things would jeopardize my chance at this job with the hospital? I would be in contact with different doctors than the hospital I'd be working at. I just don't want them to find out and them deny me any chance at a job out here. If I don't get this job I'll be screwed on finding a living space before spring semester of college starts up...

I think honesty is always the best policy and accept whatever comes your way. Something good will come out of it eventually. At the very worst, you may be referred to an outpatient drug treatment program to learn some coping skills and to be treated for the underlying issues which predispose you to addiction but that could be a good thing. You will be rewarded for being honest, I am sure.

God Bless