we live in our memory, emotions, and the chemical imbalances of PTSD. there is no cure actually, we have to except it, it is how we are now. but the problem is getting into the "now" part, as we relive the past thru fears, angers, depressions of the memory, or the similar indicators of the todays.

if I am in depressions, then I embrace my depressions, and admit I am in it, not feeling all that great. so then what will help me? figuring out what doesn't make me depressed and do that. if I am in anger mode/rage.. then what will help me, get away from what is making me angry and go else where/do something else. the mind can only think one thought at a time, and feel what event is occurring at a time. if one changes their thought, and make a different event, then the feelings subside somewhat, not fully, but it eases the disturbances that it causes. I have days my confidences are very low and I am nervous, I have days that confidences are high and I function well among the living out here. I don't always feel 100% every day and when its at its low, I have to FORCE myself to do something else to change it, and sometimes that means doing something I like personally, with or without people, either way. I like my peace/quiet time, and I like socializing, but am very inconsistent of it. I have to except and love myself for that, cause that is how it is for me. i had a great counselor once that had me write down all the things i love, or liked. on that list was "walking in nature", arts/crafts, reading, music, dancing, dressing up, etc. it can be anything. i go to that list when i am off center and i pick one of the things i love to do and go do that. sometimes its hard to push myself off to doing something, cause of my disturbed feelings, but also when i force myself to do these one of these listed things, i get out of where i am at and into the event of today and where i am living now.

When I do it, I have come to call this type of ramble, "Sifting." When I don't know what is out of whack in my system, but I definitely am not hitting on all available cylinders, I just let myself ramble on until something makes sense. Usually the sense arrives before the cops do. Somehow the nonsensical ramble helps me sift through all the details until I can find the pertinent nugget.

Keep sifting, Sean. The pertinent detail is buried in there somewhere.

Thanks tobiano and arfie. Arfie sometimes I am afraid of what is underneath. Still can not force myself to write in my journal about past.

Yup, that fear of what lies beneath might be the entire key to my own amnesia and/or PTSD. Once I get past that fear I begin to worry I am going to end up like a piece of Swiss Cheese if I let go of that many pieces of myself. Whatever the quality, it is what I have to work with. After that.... After that...

These days I am trying to reduce my fear to a simple indicator. Like an air raid siren. I take it as a warning and turn to face whatever danger it is warning me of. Given the nature of my PTSD, the danger is often as threatening as a child wanting a juice refill. A simple indicator has a much more accessible "OFF" switch than a flashback sequence.

Small bytes and long chews, Sean.

Reading your posts I get a strong feeling that you need to confront your past from a position of strength. That means building your strength and stability and sense of self/self-worth, as well as developing methods of stabilizing yourself, such as meditation or whatever.

This is what my therapist is making me do. People on DS have strongly reinforced this idea, telling me about losing friends who worked on their past prematurely. If you're like me you'll have a lot of resistance to the idea. But I have been convinced by too many voices to ignore them, and actually, am finding this to be very interesting and promising work.

I think I'm going to post some of the stuff she's been doing with me so it can be available to others. Probably not today but stay tuned. I hope you will consider trying this approach. Again, if you're like me, you might have found that the other approach has not been working ... It's worth thinking about.

I have to remember to consider that there are those who are in the same shape I'm in with PTSD but who come from a life without it. I don't say this to feel sorry for myself, but to think compassionately about what that must be like since it's not my experience. I don't have memories of life before or without PTSD.

The possibility and meaning of memories before or without PTSD are something I learned about here and that's been helpful to have insight into for me. I realize that some of us had a normal life before our trauma or traumas that gave us PTSD. Consequently, there's a special grieving process for the past that goes along with the bitter present reality of managing PTSD symptoms.

If that's not your case right now, sean, at least it made me reflect on that/ I want to be a companion to others here in a grief I don't have myself but certainly respect in others.

Reading Muji's post I can say that I don't know what you're going through either, so I"m sorry if my advice was off. It just sounded like you were really down on yourself. I have only the very best wishes for you.

Thanks I was down but not on myself just the situation. I know I had at least ten years before first trauma but that all is just a wisp of smoke here and a mist there. I will try to list vaguely what I have dealt with since around 14 so that people get a clearer picture of why I talk of no rest before the next slam comes.. Oh In my journal. Thanks all