Took me almost 3days to write this due to my ptsd flaring. really need support

I really struggle this time of year. I was going to post on the 28th but i was doing so bad with my PTSD i could not. 15 years ago on May 28 th was my late (very abusive) husbands car accident, it was horrific and we had to go thru the scene to get to the hospital. Highway was blocked for hours so we had ot go around it and see it all including our car they used jaws of life on. Once we got to the hospital. my poarents drove me, My Dad had me sit up front with Mom. Once we got to the hospital (oh and my parents were suppose to go on a date but something stopped them) it was an hour and half before they could even tell me if he was alive. I found out later they were doing all kinds of Mris and scans etc and checking for brain activity. He was PHYSICLALY alive but they were checking mentally if you get what i mean. He had severe TBIs, cracked skull, severe bad pelvic fractures, He had aspirated bad so lungs were full, he got MRSA that night too but due to how many people handled him. Before first responders could get there other motorits jumped out of their vehicles to stop our car from going further, i guess 6 people stopped it from spinning i believe, others ran after the guy who hit him and got him to not drive off. BTW a large 1980s van to a 2004 ford taurus is not a good fight. My fiance was pulling out turning left leaving the gas station maybe 3 miles from home at a GREEN light as some idiot came flying over 90mph and tboned him in his door he had run a red light. Started to drive off. The thing is the car behind myhusband had 2 kids and their parents. He was in a hospital until Janurary 15th of 2012 he was hit may 28th 2011. While he was in 3 different hospitals, i was trained daily on his care to be his full time caregiver. We had to move 4 1/2 hours away so he could be near the top brain specilist in the US she was in lower michigan. I was the only one other than Drs that knew he was dying. I was 26 years old and suddenly my life was feeding tube care, 100 percnet of his care he was quadleplegic after the accident . He regained some use of arms and could move his legs but never did relearn to walk and his one arm never recovered much. He was also a type 1 diabetic. Everyone kept saying i was too young and would never stick around or i was not mature enough and needed supervision etc not all 26 year olds spent their lives at parties! I had stock holm syndrom so i really thought i loved him for a bit. I wen tabove and beyond for him he didn twant for anything other than to be back to normal. he lived 19 months before i at 28 had to choose when to pull life support, and that haunts me to this day. 

This is harder this year because on the same day,  same area, not a mile away this year was another horrific car accident only this time it was deadly on contact. I wont go into detail but will just say the motorcyclist was cut off by a truck with a trailer pulling onto the highway while the motocyclist was going 55mph which is the speed limit and the only good thing is he would not have suffered or felt it. They had the highway blocked for over 5 hours. 

June 4th 1998 Was and still is the happiest day of my life (although im getting married in a few months!) I was adopted by who i consider my REAL Dad! He waited until I was 13 im the youngest of 2, because in Michigan at 13 the child has to sign and approve of the adoption unless they are mentally/intellectually unable to understand. The judge questions you alone so your not being pressured As much as o hate yes hate my sperm donor who 7 years ago stood up and fell over dead, who abused me in the worst ways possible hes the reason i cant carry a baby past 9 weeks it still broke me inside at his comment. The judge asked him if he was willing to sign over his rights to my Dad, he said yes if hes willing to forgive 9 years of child support he owed on both of us kids. Dad told him. i dont want money i only want MY kids to legally be my kids. Adoption was then finalized. I finally felt like i had a Dad who would always be there and love me yes he was Dad since i was 6 but at 13 he was truely Dad even on my birth certificate! We ordered a Dairy Queen cake we pick up on Thursdau it says, Wanted, Chosen, Loved, Adopted. Same as my hobby lobby sign by my bear made from Dads clothes! I have always been proud t o call him Daddy! But he did leave me only it wasnt his choice........ June 5th he will celebrate 86 years old with Jesus and my 5 children in Heaven. I miss him so bad and i miss my babies so bad. November 3rd will be 6 years without Dad and this fall he wont be here to give me away.......

June 11th is the hardest day of all. the day i was beaten and raped...... yes someone i knew and had dated which he was always controlling and abusive. Its will be 21 years and hes been in prisonover a year after attacking the wrong woman this time she went against him in court. I am tired of being told to get over it. I got pregnant that night and lost the baby 6 weeks later. C PTSD does not just disappear becuse its so many years or hes llocked away. i been in therapy for many years dont cbt and dbt but wheh youve been abused majority of your life by 5 different men it doesnt just leave you and i keep getting told to get over it. My therapist said dont let anyone in validate my feelings but i cant stop them.i cant control others. 

But heres the good news. I am off pain meds and on low dose Naltrexdone. i am in less pain than i been in 10 years............. yes my back still hurts but not as bad it does scream at me if i over do it because 2 weeks ago walking to the bathroom my who body screamed  i could hardly take steps My pain dr i just syaryed with a month ago told me, how does everyone ex[ect you to lose all the weight whrn you struggle to walk at all???? Thats when i knew he was good. He promised he would help my pain get controlled but to trust him. Well he kept his word! Also my shrink thinks i can get off antipsychotics possibly for good. A week ago we decreaed my caplyta from 42 to 21mg. no issuues. grief and ptsd he said doesbt get help from those meds and i been stable 8 years and self hsrm free 6 years now. Also my Doctor said i have the best lab work ive had in the 10 years ive seen her.