I can relate to what you're going through. I'd always remembered being sexually abused by my grandad about age 6, but it always felt more was blocked from a younger age.
I was already in ptsd, and had been detriorating. so I was hospitalised, and I really wanted to open up the memories if I could. I stayed off anti-psychotics and decided to tell my therapist every shame loaded or strange image that came to mind. Lots of stuff came up, some that didn't at first make sense. But then I'd get a flahsback or an image that made sense of it All this time, I'm in acute anxiety and paranoia, with extreme feelings like shame and pain. I couldn't interact with the other patients at all.
My therapist was very kind, and back then we did inner child work, I felt a lot of care and love in that hospital, and also learnt to care for my little self.
These days I'm not in trauma.
I can relate to wanting to know what happened, I think it's natural. It took me a long time to believe what had come to me at this time, as I just couldn't face my dad being a sexual abuser.
Good luck on your journey, sorry it's so horrible at the moment. Find the compassion for yourself wherever you can, and be gentle.

I was sexually abused when I was young. I remember some of it but not all of it, just enough to know it really happened. If I was unsure it happened, I would not push to remember anything. Our minds have a way of protecting ourselves.
It sounds as though you have a lot of anxiety. Sexual abuse causes a lot more trouble than just anxiety. It affects our whole sense of who we are, trusting others and knowing what is normal. Its' effects are more subtle and damaging.
I went to treatment where there was one woman who admitted she was not even sure the sexual abuse happened. This kind of went over the therapists' heads until I asked the woman, "Why would you prefer to think you were sexually abused when you aren't sure? Why wouldn't you prefer to believe it didn't happen if you have that choice?"
It is not the sexual abuse that drives us crazy, it is what it does to our psyches. Remembering only causes further trauma.
Being in the here and now is one of the best antidotes to anxiety. When I get myself all worked up, I know my imagination is at work and I am imagining the worst case scenario.
I hope you find some peace.

Oh, I know it happened There are things that I do remember that occurred that were abusive. I also watched my dad rape my mom, know of him abusing my sisters, aunts, other children and raping other women. I have all the issues that go along with being sexually abused, not just anxiety. I was abused by other people as a child It has always affected me, very much so. But because I was abused by others, (and because I was protecting myself emotionally), I confused the effects of the incest with the others instances of abuse and denied what my dad did to me. I didnt really even have noticeable anxiety issues until I came to grips with what happened. Now Ive got them.

I remember enough to know it happened, and Im okay with the idea that I do not need to remember everything. This did not start by me imagining the worst possible things that could have happened and thereby causing myself anxiety. It just came to me, like a memory, me laying in bed as a child, hearing my dad coming near and being very afraid, but its like its happening right now and I actually have a very real panic attack. Im curious what this particular event entails, but I didnt start out by pushing myself to remember it. I just came up. I just tried to comfort my inner child and went back to bed. But, this one memory keeps coming back. I comfort myself, I so back to bed feeling good, and like I say, a few nights later there it is again. That is why Im to the point where I lay here and try to remember what happened, because it wont go away! I figure maybe if I just know what happened and go through it, maybe it will go away. Maybe not; I dont know and that is why Im asking. I dont know what approach to take. I just want it to go away.

I am afraid of the same exact thing. But I think mine is due to me being stalked by a psychopath a few yrs ago. I was also abused by my father as a kid and repressed a lot of it. There is a possibility that I was also sexually abused (I exhibit almost all of the signs and have almost no memories of childhood).

But a few yrs ago I was stalked for over a yr by a very dangerous and unstable psychopath who was very obsessed with me and had purchased a gun illegally (convicted felon/registered sex offender- not allowed to own a gun). I had (and still have sometimes) repeated nightmares of him trying to break into my house. I moved to get away from him and bought this house 3 yrs ago. 4 months after moving in, he found me. My house is 100 yrs old and has creaky wooden floors/steps. I have repeated nightmares that someone is coming up my creaky stairs and I can hear them while I'm in my bed and know they're coming for me. I have screamed so loud sometimes during these dreams, that I've woken myself up. Every time I am totally helpless. My phone either is off and won't turn on or will not let me dial police. In one of the dreams I opened the bdrm door to be standing face to face with him. I had my paintball gun (which I was sleeping with at the time) and tried to shoot him in the face with it but it would not fire. I am always totally helpless in these dreams. I wake up scared half to death, heart racing, soaked in sweat, shaking. Sometimes I'm too afraid to even attempt to go back to sleep. I often have to get up and change shirts because it's so soaked with sweat. I have had these nightmares for 3+ yrs now.

i just wanted to say i'm sorry you're having a rough time and i also wanted to say that you don't have to remember the details of the trauma to heal ... in fact its still controversial whether going over the details helps or hurts the survivor ... so don't put so much pressure on yourself to remember!

... from what i learned in a Trauma Mindfulness group (which was super helpful) is that most of the trauma is stored in your subconscious anyway .... everyone has their own path but for me EMDR and exposure therapies didn't do much but i've had such amazing success with the hypnotherapy via skype from michele rosenthal at healmyptsd.com ... it's such a trip as i consciously haven't even had to figure anything out new as she goes straight into my subconscious ... its a trip! feels like a miracle that my heart isn't racing all the time and chest is not constricted! happened after my 7th session out of the blue ...

The Mindfulness for Trauma course was based on this:
http://www.dfay.com/fortherapists.php
http://www.dfay.com/therapy.php

and one thing you said "Ive learned to stop and take deep breathes, hold, comfort and sooth myself. I tell the scared child that everything is safe now, that she is alright," reminded me of what i learned in the mindfulness group ... which is to not talk yourself out of what you are feeling/experiencing but instead label the separate thought, physical sensation and emotion ... then watch it in curiosity and accept it ... cause like a child when you try to push it away it wants more attention and gets louder .... then there are different mindful exercises you can try to get grounded ... ie when breathing in and out (out breath is where you get relaxation) say a metta mantra of where you want your mind to go .... "May I be at peace" "may i be at rest" "may i be free of suffering" ... check out the links i've mentioned above since i'm not explaining in detail ;) sending you lots of hope!

ps but before the hypnotherapy i used propanol (10mg not extended release) at bedtime for nightmares and prazosin which worked better but made my blood pressure toooo low. also in a pinch over the counter benedryl blocks adrenaline but makes you drowsy!

You initially said your memories were fragmented and unclear. Suddenly you have all of these clear memories. What's up with that?

@ Agent Smith: Wow, that sounds like a truly terrifying experience. Im sorry that happened to you. Obviously you remember the details and still, you re-experience the trauma, so I guess the repetition does not have to do with the surfacing of more details as I feel it may be. I dont like having these things happen to me and I want to have control over what is happening to me; Im sure you can relate. Three years is a long time to still be dealing with this. I hope we both can find a solution and some peace.

@Jisabel: Im with you on your belief that mindfulness is an effective solution. I intuitively feel like comforting myself is the solution, you know, just giving myself the kind of care and nurturing that I needed back then, but never received. It does seem to help some. Yoga also seems to help me. I will definitely check this link out when I get some extra time. Im a little weary about hypnotherapy though; Im a bit uneasy about the vulnerability aspect of this. I dont know, but being in the here and now, being mindful, using breath, saying a mantra this all sounds like the right approach. Im happy to hear that you are finding peace! Maybe I just have to be more patient and keep with it. Regarding meds; my mother instilled in me a healthy fear of psych meds, so I look for other solutions.

@Virlacygo: I do have many fragments/unclear memories. I also have some clear memories. The clear memories are of things that I didnt understand/realize as a child. Like my dad raping my mom. My sister had told me that this occurred frequently, but I couldnt recall it at first (or at least I didnt think I could). The memories were there and they always had been. Its just, I didnt know what sex was, and I didnt know that my mom say being raped. I just remember that my mom and dad fought all the time and I remember how much it hurt my mommy. I remember her anger, the struggle, her mournful cries. I can hear her broken sobs. Only replaying it now as an adult, I realize, she was being raped. Its the same way with the games my daddy played where he tickled and kissed us. l remembered it that way, Daddy played games. Only, I had to come out of denial before I could consciously recognize that being pinned in a corner, groped and kissed sexually is not a game. I was subtle, but it was abusive and these things give me validation. The part that is really unclear is what happened at night. I know my dad came into my room at night and did things to me, I just dont know what. I remember the terror of being afraid when he approached my room, but the memory ends there. I remember waking up to my dads face right up in my own, my hands pinned above me. I remember the smell of beer on his breath and the feel of his beard on my neck (fragmented memories). But, the memory stops there. Its unclear, its fragmented, but it is enough for me to know that the abuse occurred. I wasnt afraid daddy was coming to tell me a damn bedtime story. My sleep habits that I have to this day (sleeping in a ball, towards the wall, all clenched up, with my hands folded over my chest) seem to be a clear sign of frequent abuse; there is obviously a lot I am not remembering.

Anyway, I think validation is very important to survivors. I believe if a woman was in treatment for sexual abuse, but unsure it actually occurred, changes are, it actually occurred. I went for years and years, living in denial and it did not serve me well. Although I did not consciously realize that Id been abused all of the signs and effects were there. I have so many sexual inhibitions Im so affected that I couldnt deny it anymore. I was even acting out what happen between my mom and dad by playing the role of a sexual masochist (repetition compulsion). Ive spent a lifetime repressing my feelings and they were working their way out though my subconscious and it was very harmful to me, but now that I consciously realize that I endured a great deal of childhood trauma, I can look at how it has affected me and begin to heal from it. That does not occur while in denial So sometimes, maybe the answer is you believe you were sexually abused, so that you can work on healing.

Asilvercloud, have you heard of the book 'Courage to Heal'? It might help you a lot. I want to say that what's happening for you these days is not how it will always be. Things are coming up for you, whether or not a memory comes with it. Back when I first got the images of being raped (didn't know who) I was incredibly disturbed. One day in the shower, I couldn't bear to touch my own body to wash it, so I huddled on the floor sobbing my heart out.
What you're going through is really hard, and you need all the support you can get, but I believe things can change because they did for me. Anyway you can bring compassion for yourself, either by soothing yourself or talking to a caring counsellor - go for it.