Hello! I originally joined this group three years ago when my husband was dealing with his severe symptoms of PTSD. I had a much more mid form of PTSD and was managing fine. But then things went south and I ended up leaving his unfaithful ass. Wow... the emptiness was difficult. But the hardest part was accepting the fact that my family--the one I've been dreaming of all of my life, is no longer "my family." I still struggle with accepting this and coping.

The PTSD was a reaction to seeing me nearly die several times throughout the process of delivering my perfect baby boy. I suffered a massive hemorrhage (losing4.5 liters of blood). They couldn't get the bleeding to stop so I went into DIC (not a good thing at all). Due to the DIC, my kidneys began bleeding and I went into renal failure. I was in the ICU for several days while my baby was up in the nursery. Such a torture, I can't even begin to describe. A week later, I went into respiratory failure and then heart failure which resulted in me being air lifted to STL for another week or so. So all of that happens and I literally have a new view of life just to find out my husband does too. But his knew look on life doesn't involve me... at all. I fought like hell for a year, but it seemed the harder I tried, the meaner he got and the more force he used to push me away.

Fast forward 6 months. I find an amazing man and we begin dating. For the first time since I was sick, I was able to sleep! No nightmares, no heart palpitations! Nothing negative! I was so at ease and so very happy. Unfortunately, the relationship didn't last. A month later (August 2013) I was diagnosed with HPV . . . which came from my ex. So now I'm feeling empty and so very alone with this "STD" that I can't talk to anyone about because it's "gross." I hit some pretty deep lows, stop eating, working very hard to get out of bed; basically just trying to breathe. Life can't get any worse, right?

Wrong. 4 months later, on Christmas night, I rushed my 2 year old; my baby, to the ER after I found a lump in his abdomen. Long story short, it's liver cancer.... deep breath....... deep breath..... (I'm sure I will go into this more at a later time, but just know he is doing very well and is currently NED (No Evidence of Disease!!)).

My ex, the one who gave me HPV, immediately came back in the picture (though he was never really gone, just not "committed." He helps support me as I'm there to be my son's strength during this terrible treatment. My SO was amazing. Just what I needed. And then one day I asked where this is going, and we broke up. And by broke up, I mean there is no title, but we still speak and behave as if we are still together... so stupid, I know, but this is what we do.

So now that you have the background, I feel like I can say that I feel so terribly alone and you may actually feel like you understand. I'm raising this boy on my own (the "dad" loves to talk about how great of a dad he is, but only sees him when it's convenient for him). I'm living at my mom's because I wasn't working through the 6 months of my son's treatment. And I've got this man who I'm absolutely in love with, but won't commit to me . . . and what's more, he gave me HPV so it's not like I'll ever forget about him!!

I just feel done. I'm done with the day by noon. But then I have to come home and be a mommy (which we all know is a job in and of its own). All I really want to do is cry, lay in bed, or just zone out on my phone. I don't do those things because after all I've been through, people are so surprised I'm even able to stand... so they watch me with a looking eye, just waiting for the breakdown. I try to hide it and most times I can . . . but, ugh! It's exhausting. I feel broken from the break up, beaten from the cancer, abandoned because of the divorce, lost because there are no answers, and furious at him and absolutely disgusting in any way imaginable because of the HPV. Someone, please tell me I'm not alone and that someone can relate to at least ONE of these things I carry with me every day!!!