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Anxiety Disorders
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What Other People Understand

arfie
arfie

The site survey I started back in October looks like it is shaping into a Plan. There are still more questions than answers, but it is starting to look like an amazing opportunity. Amazing enough to feel like the delusional euphoria which figured in to each of my psychotic breaks. I am anxious to find the balance which will let me be both enthusiastic and realistic. For sure, hubs shares that anxiety. We are talking about it and believe we have ^it^ well harnessed. So far. Saluting all nag flags. He and my middle-aged children lived several of those psychotic breaks with me. They were not Kodak Moments. A psychotic break is a fearsome thing to witness, especially for children. The conversation is not so fluid with the middle-aged children. Even when the "children" are middle-aged, Mom is a confusing icon. I never know when to be a statue on an altar and when I can be openly human with them or their significant others. I find myself wondering if they are still "Acting Out" more often than engaging in open discussion. Just wondering.


I find myself reviewing the times I have obsessed over getting other people to understand my mental illness. How often have the details I thought they needed to know were more defense of delusion rather than clinical fact? Am I asking other people to understand things I don't understand myself? Asking them to understand my personal delusions?


Again, I am not sure what I am reaching for here. Just sorting. . . Experience, opines and non-sequitars (OT) welcome.

arfie
arfie
P.S. I have no mother figure in my own life. The lack sure gives me allot of blind spots. I have only been a mother. Never really had one of my own.
patti22
patti22
Blind spots...yup I got plenty of them. Do my best to guess...mostly I've been lucky, but not always.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
It's getting harder and harder in these times to sort out fiction from fact for a plan going forward, arf, so it really inspires and comforts for you to bare your soul about it here and show how you're doing the math toward some answer. Thanks for showing how it's done.
arfie
arfie
It's quite a bit easier to bare my soul about ^it^ here than in the presence of bankers, inspectors, contractors, husbands and middle-aged children, Muji.

Maybe I am *just* practicing on you guys? Looking for a comprehensible way to say ^it^ before I try it on people who are physically close enough to see the rolls of their eyes?

Onward through the guesswork. . .
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Well put guys..... I have many of these same thoughts and questions without the kids....sigh..... is it meant to be easy?.... wishful thinking...... Big hug......xo
mlr0853
mlr0853
After I finished your post and re-read again, I'm thinking there is pain and fear on both sides, you and your children. Just wondering what "you" want as an outcome of disclosure? No doubt it is based in love for your kids, to help them better understand their confusion of manic times. I can remember being hypo/depressed before dx, psychosis came later after my sister passed. But I clearly remember the day I saw my Mother and Step-father as 'human beings' and old. They were not standing on a pedestal where I'd placed them for many years...I think I was in my 20's at the time. Thanks for your post. ml
arfie
arfie
Perhaps I should have left the middle-aged children out of this post. They aren't very interested in the new opportunity. Mostly rolling their eyes at it. That is fine by me. Life is so much simpler without the domestic drama.
careyon1
careyon1
Just know people may never understand. But if the survey is therapeutic and working for you, that's great! That's what matters. Praying for a sound mind, love and strength for you.
arfie
arfie
The fact that my social anxiety remains quite intense makes me doubt my own analysis, but I often wonder if worrying about what other people think is the heart and soul of that social anxiety. Funny part is that when I push myself to ask what a person thinking, that person seldom tells me what I expected to hear. The charted conclusion is that my mind-reading skills suck.

Sorting. . . Or am I just messing up the piles again? Confetti parade, anyone?
Muskoka007
Muskoka007
How true that is about asking someone what they are thinking. I often have fretted about something with my kids and when I talk to them to apologies they say "what are you talking about it is fine" so all my worry was for nothing.

Life is a challenge with perception. I did my doctorate thesis on the brain and the way it works and how memory and senses are stored, no two people can possibly see the same thing exactly. Then on top of that add in CPTSD and you have quite the cocktail. I find intuition helps through this maze, often it is the most reliable. Good topic Arfie, thanks
arfie
arfie
Yea, in addition to the puzzled looks of people who didn't even remember the event or bother to think of it at all, I've put myself through award-winning drama over my perceptions of wrong-doing, only to be told, "You're kidding, aren't you? That was exactly what I needed to get me on track."

Yup, my mind reading skills genuinely suck. I actually charted my intuitive efficiency as therapy homework back in the 70's. Proof available, somewhere in that 100+ volume therapy journal.

Asking people is still hard for me, though. Repeat, my social anxiety is still pretty intense and therapy resistant.
arfie
arfie
What yardstick would we use to measure the similarities and differences in how two individuals feel? I can't even find fair measures in how I feel now vs. how I felt the last time I was in a similar position.
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