Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
This may contain TW's on family abuse, generational abuse, sociopathic tendencies and suicide/rape.
One of my parents has multiple personalities. This is something I have known since I was a little girl but is something my family does not openly discuss. My parents divorced when I was nine and each of my parents were remarried by the time I was eleven. The parent with personalities did not want kids (read: my brother and I), and so my other parent took us and moved us half way across the country and started over.
I have maintained a fragmented and on-again off-again relationship with my parent who has DID (disassociative identity disorder, which was formerly multiple personality disorder). This parent struggles with alcohol and substance abuse and was very abusive (physically, mentally, and sexually) towards my brother and I when we were growing up. I made the mistake of moving in with them for a year during highschool because I thought the grass would be greener on the other side. They swore they had been in therapy and had changed. They had not; they just thought with one kid there and one kid with the other parent they wouldn't have to pay child support anymore. This parent tried to kill me (I'm not even kidding) during an intoxicated state the year I was with them. As soon as I graduated high school I left there and moved back in with my other parent.
I went almost two years without speaking to my mentally ill parent. It's been almost a decade since I moved out of their house and we have a "healthy on the surface" relationship. When I got married a year and a half ago they were present. I speak to them at least once a week and we routinely talk through text/Facebook. We have rules set in place for our conversations (they are not allowed to call me or text me if they are under the influence of drugs/alcohol).
This parent left their long-term partner and got a place on their own not quite a year ago. I told my husband then that this parent would fall off the wagon, and they did. Our relationship has been somewhat strained over the last year but they are sticking pretty close to all of the rules in place despite their issues. I remind myself they are a grown adult and aren't changing any time soon.
I know why they ended up the way they did, and while I don't approve with the decisions they make I realize they are too far gone to fix themselves now. One of their parents committed suicide in front of them and the other overdosed less than a year later. This parent bounced from foster home to foster home and was forced to have sex with other people (including their own siblings) as a young child, or else they were beaten/tortured. I get this.
I also get however that it's possible to rise above where you come from. I was VERY heavily abused by this parent (likely because they didn't know anything different) but I would NEVER put my child in the situations this parent put me in. Some of my earliest memories include me picking up used syringes and broken bottles from the floor of their bedroom so my other parent wouldn't freak out too bad when they got home.
My younger sibling called me mom until my parents divorced and my other parent moved us away. Even after the new parent remarried it took him almost two years to stop.
That said (mostly as background I guess) I got an email from my parent with DID stating how proud they were of me that I was such a good parent for my child. I've spent a lot of time (mostly when my child was younger) not knowing what to do, and doing the opposite of what this parent would have done. It has served me well I think; my child is happy, well-rounded, highly intelligent, and kind. While my child understands there are bad people in the world (we had to have the strangers at the bus stop or picking you up from school talk when she started kindergarten), she also sees the good in everyone.
So my parent sends me this diatribe about how happy/proud they are of all the traditions I am creating and instilling in my daughter, values, etc. I thanked this parent for their love and support (not really knowing what else to say), to which this parent responded by telling me they wish they had parents like me.
... What does that even mean?! I'm not sure how to feel about it other than angry and upset, and I am not 100% sure I understand why. I suppose part of it is that I'm angry they are (yet again) placing me in some kind of parental role in relation to them, or perhaps I am upset because I realize that it is possible to overcome where you come from (it's not easy but I did it, which means in theory they could have too)... and at the same time I just feel deeply sad. I feel bad for my parent and I feel bad for the life they have led and the things they still fight with.
I would try to talk to them about it, but I am pretty sure their littlest child is the one who said it. The main personality still struggles to accept that there are other alters, and even though this parent has been clinically diagnosed, trying to discuss it will get you nowhere fast. I also realize if it is the littlest one who said it, it means this parent had REALLY been drinking/using that evening (especially since they sent that message after midnight).
Have any of you been through anything like this? What do you do and how did you feel?
Thanks for the advice and sort space, guys. I really appreciate it.
One of my parents has multiple personalities. This is something I have known since I was a little girl but is something my family does not openly discuss. My parents divorced when I was nine and each of my parents were remarried by the time I was eleven. The parent with personalities did not want kids (read: my brother and I), and so my other parent took us and moved us half way across the country and started over.
I have maintained a fragmented and on-again off-again relationship with my parent who has DID (disassociative identity disorder, which was formerly multiple personality disorder). This parent struggles with alcohol and substance abuse and was very abusive (physically, mentally, and sexually) towards my brother and I when we were growing up. I made the mistake of moving in with them for a year during highschool because I thought the grass would be greener on the other side. They swore they had been in therapy and had changed. They had not; they just thought with one kid there and one kid with the other parent they wouldn't have to pay child support anymore. This parent tried to kill me (I'm not even kidding) during an intoxicated state the year I was with them. As soon as I graduated high school I left there and moved back in with my other parent.
I went almost two years without speaking to my mentally ill parent. It's been almost a decade since I moved out of their house and we have a "healthy on the surface" relationship. When I got married a year and a half ago they were present. I speak to them at least once a week and we routinely talk through text/Facebook. We have rules set in place for our conversations (they are not allowed to call me or text me if they are under the influence of drugs/alcohol).
This parent left their long-term partner and got a place on their own not quite a year ago. I told my husband then that this parent would fall off the wagon, and they did. Our relationship has been somewhat strained over the last year but they are sticking pretty close to all of the rules in place despite their issues. I remind myself they are a grown adult and aren't changing any time soon.
I know why they ended up the way they did, and while I don't approve with the decisions they make I realize they are too far gone to fix themselves now. One of their parents committed suicide in front of them and the other overdosed less than a year later. This parent bounced from foster home to foster home and was forced to have sex with other people (including their own siblings) as a young child, or else they were beaten/tortured. I get this.
I also get however that it's possible to rise above where you come from. I was VERY heavily abused by this parent (likely because they didn't know anything different) but I would NEVER put my child in the situations this parent put me in. Some of my earliest memories include me picking up used syringes and broken bottles from the floor of their bedroom so my other parent wouldn't freak out too bad when they got home.
My younger sibling called me mom until my parents divorced and my other parent moved us away. Even after the new parent remarried it took him almost two years to stop.
That said (mostly as background I guess) I got an email from my parent with DID stating how proud they were of me that I was such a good parent for my child. I've spent a lot of time (mostly when my child was younger) not knowing what to do, and doing the opposite of what this parent would have done. It has served me well I think; my child is happy, well-rounded, highly intelligent, and kind. While my child understands there are bad people in the world (we had to have the strangers at the bus stop or picking you up from school talk when she started kindergarten), she also sees the good in everyone.
So my parent sends me this diatribe about how happy/proud they are of all the traditions I am creating and instilling in my daughter, values, etc. I thanked this parent for their love and support (not really knowing what else to say), to which this parent responded by telling me they wish they had parents like me.
... What does that even mean?! I'm not sure how to feel about it other than angry and upset, and I am not 100% sure I understand why. I suppose part of it is that I'm angry they are (yet again) placing me in some kind of parental role in relation to them, or perhaps I am upset because I realize that it is possible to overcome where you come from (it's not easy but I did it, which means in theory they could have too)... and at the same time I just feel deeply sad. I feel bad for my parent and I feel bad for the life they have led and the things they still fight with.
I would try to talk to them about it, but I am pretty sure their littlest child is the one who said it. The main personality still struggles to accept that there are other alters, and even though this parent has been clinically diagnosed, trying to discuss it will get you nowhere fast. I also realize if it is the littlest one who said it, it means this parent had REALLY been drinking/using that evening (especially since they sent that message after midnight).
Have any of you been through anything like this? What do you do and how did you feel?
Thanks for the advice and sort space, guys. I really appreciate it.
-
I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
-
Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
By your description the part that doesn't want to discuss being DID, acts as though they are still in denial of what happened and what pert they had in your description of your childhood.
There are more things than drinking that can lower the gates,but drinking even a small amount can do an effective job.
Some part knows that they were not what was expected as a parent to you and your brother. Age does things to reflection of past, to everyone, even your parent. There may be regret rising in one alter in the mix.
Since you have been aware of the DID since you were a child with this parent, then you know that one can say and the other may not know. You probably got caught in the middle more than once on that. The response was probably a true one of longing for the parent you are modeling, which sounds like a very good job.
Take it as it was given, a statement of observation from one (alter) that knows you are doing it better, envy? even.
A simple true answer "Thank you, I work hard at it" Then straight question about the rules...if riled denial comes up "switch"was made, self protection by whom ever was nasty enough to do it.
You can't fix them only be aware. They need to work at healing or incorporating, if they want. My guess this even feels confusing to them (time gaps or physical changes in surroundings if some alter's work independently) so the drinking is a way to get away from the confusion, though it may do the opposite.
Supportive hugs,
J
But you hit on one of our inter-generational standards. "I wish I had had parents like you." I am not going to try to speak for my sibs or parents, but when I use it, it is a sincere statement. I pray my sons take it at face value, especially when they are struggling with middle-aged responsibilities.
They were born into a tough family cycle. They are doing the best they can with what they have to work with. Parenting is a tough gig. The prayer is for each generation being one step closer to breaking this family cycle.
Carter Family song re-rite time!!!
May the circle one day be broken
Of violence, hatred and shame
A better home could be awaiting
If we join hands in healing hopes
Don't know if this applies to your ramble, or not, Alice. Just what popped up from my own sort space. . .
Keep sorting, Alice. Your answers are in there.
Sort and give yourself all the space you need, because wow, it's a lot.
Soft purrs and I wish I could do more.
My evil dad's pretty pathetic these days, I could feel really sorry for him, I kinda don't...he effectively alienated all the people who cared about him?
Obviously he was really screwed up by the grandparents, but passing that on was a choice, he made it, he gets to live with that.
...I suggest ( we suggest ) you feel about your parent the way that is most useful for you to feel.
Most of us in here despise the father because that is -useful- to us and because we're still consolidating our abuse history? As in new memories are emerging into the collective awareness.
...your parent stays compartmentalized to avoid just such things happening, BTW. Your parent wants the memories to stay blocked out, just where they are, and not re-experience and remember them. Why they do not want to admit the DID exists at all.