i find it difficult to feel empathy for myself. I agree being rejection does foster detachment. not only being bullied as a kid but coming home to rejection has made me fear intimate relationships.

nothing wrong with being silly as long as we know when its time to be serious. you said it right.. 'former self'

i hope you can have empathy for your current self. hugs

I don't know your son's age, so take it as a given I'm just spouting a generality....

Childishness in a child is normal. Childlike behavior, e.g., being silly and goofy in the name of having harmless fun (blowing bubbles, etc.) is fine at any age IMO.

And if your son's behavior upsets you, well, you said it yourself, as Doo pointed out. Your Former Self. What's your *current* self got against that *former* self that is hurting you into detachment and "feeling repulsed"? Maybe that's where ae "missing piece" is to be found?

When someone upsets us because they are showing us ourselves, I was told, go inward, with compassion.... And be gentle *outward*, too, okay?

And that's all I got, but big support to you, dsf.

Not having had any children myself, I don't have any experience I can share about generation to generation observations on the topic. But on the topic of wasted life in general, the book by Viktor Frankl "Man's Search for Meaning" has helped me and a few others I know. The title is outdated in the use of "man" since it was written soon after the holocaust. It really means "humanity's search for meaning." It showed me how attaching meaning to terrible trauma can help relieve a sense of having a wasted life. Frankl was a psychiatrist who was a survivor of major trauma himself.

http://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X

"Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl's memoir has riveted generations of readers with its descriptions of life in Nazi death camps and its lessons for spiritual survival. Between 1942 and 1945 Frankl labored in four different camps, including Auschwitz, while his parents, brother, and pregnant wife perished. Based on his own experience and the experiences of others he treated later in his practice, Frankl argues that we cannot avoid suffering but we can choose how to cope with it, find meaning in it, and move forward with renewed purpose."

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~Anon

When I first met that slogan, my over-compensating habits convinced me that I didn't suffer, ever. I "just got over it and moved on. Suck it up, Wimp!" I had well-rehearsed evidence to counter anyone who noticed chinks in my armor. When I wasn't raging, I was offensively giddy. Who can I make fun of or beat up on today?

Since I started dealing in my own personal facts and feelings, I have felt like I am sorting through a big bag of puzzle pieces from an unknowable number of puzzles with zero intact pictures to guide me in the sorting. Yup, it is REAL hard to get the pieces to fit.

Still sorting. . . Studying on how to be patient with the process. I still have that urge to just throw the whole, stinking mess into the Toxic People Landfill. The afternoon talk shows assure me it is the way to go. Through scientifically enhanced glamours, of course. Let's keep it real?

Sigh. . . If healing was easy, everybody would do it.

Continued support while you sort, ds. Hope healing happens here.

How old is your son?

And for someone who identifies with a struggle to feel empathy, posting here had to be a big step for you. I'm glad you're here.

Son is 10...just worried he will get hurt like I did because he has a similar personality and looks up to me. Thanks for replies *hugs*

We are just imperfect beings. I'm not sure the goal is to get it together and make the pieces fit.

I have a similar situation with my son and I'm seeing it as a window into myself so that I can learn more and be here for him.

I'm older now and find that where I really wasted time was being so critical of myself - incredibly high expectations of perfection.

I still remember things I said or did 30 years ago - and still beat myself up over it instead of realizing that everyone makes mistakes and it's okay to screw up. In fact, it's our imperfections that make us more lovable.

I really have done bad things, suicide attempts, Facebook stalking, being inappropriately sexual at times (though not assault, but adulterous infatuations). Yes, I have always been harshly punished and faced the music. Forgiving myself when I am condemned by others is a lonely, sad endeavor. I am responsible for my actions and I know it.

Life for me feels humiliating. My driving phobia and lymphedema in my left leg prevent me from leading a normal life. My emotional and sexual issues continue to sabotage my happiness. But anger won't help me. I need to find hope.

The fact that you have remorse for the bad things you've done shows you're a normal human like the rest of us and won't do those things again. As for hope, there's hope, ds, just from wanting it so badly, it's there.