What a fantastic world it would be if people were dogs. Unconditional love 24/7.

This post reminded me of those times when no good deed goes unpunished. In 2000, when I went to a friend for support going through my divorce, the best thing I ever thought I'd done in my life was thrown back in my face as if I'd been a complete jerk.

I've told the story here before. When I was in 10th grade, my best friend was, let's call him, F. One day F didn't show up at school. The headmaster came looking for me. Oddly, he took me out of class, walked me to his car, and drove me to F's place.

It was surrounded by crime scene tape and cops. F was there in blood soaked clothes. His dad had just died in F's arms after F's mom, in a psychotic episode, shot him in the chest with a shotgun.

My headmaster had brought me for the purpose of standing by F as his best friend. I did that for the next 3 years, through an ugly trial, through visits to his crazy mom, through hell and back. My home life was horrible at the time, too, but I didn't tell F about that because he had enough on his shoulders back in 1975.

So 25 years later, I go visit F when I'm going through my divorce, which was like death to me. Did I get support? No. F took the opportunity to go back to 1975 instead. Here in 2000 he claimed that everything I or anyone else had done for him back then had been for the sake of exploiting him, not helping him.

He reminded me that when we were in 12th grade and I was voted vice president of the student body, it was because I looked like such a compassionate hero helping him, and that's the only reason I'd gone through his mother's trial with him and supported him. I didn't do it because I was his best friend. I did it for what I could get out of it in status at our high school 2 years later.

Of course, in 2000 I didn't care who had been student body vice president in high school 25 years earlier, but it was apparently eating up my best friend F. By the same token, I wasn't calculating enough at age 15 in 10th grade to decide helping my friend through his dad's murder would be politically good for me 2 years later to get me elected vp of the student body.

Even if I was that politically savvy to play the angles, it's not in my personality. I didn't know it was in his, but apparently so, when I came back to him for support in my hour of need in my divorce 25 year later in 2000. The best thing I had ever done, stand by my best friend through hell, was thrown back in my face as if it had been an egotistical act of selfish greed.

As I said here before, that's when I quit doing good for other people in order to get their gratitude. I believe my friend was beginning to show signs of the same psychosis that led his mother to kill his father when we were high school kids. So the good I had done was replaced in his mind by paranoid schizophrenia.

Realizing that can happen to how people remember even the greatest kindness, I began doing good for goodness's sake only. It was a good lesson to learn in 2000 and part of why I went on in 2001 to become a hospital chaplain until 2010. I stood by people in life and death situations as a hospital chaplain from 2001-2010 just as I had done for my best friend in high school in 1975.

But because F hated me for being his best friend in high school who stood by him, as a chaplain I was ready. I was ready for when some people love you for being kind, and some hate you for being good to them. In hospitals sometimes patients thanked me for kindness with a beautiful card. Then sometimes I had to duck because someone else I treated just as kindly threw a bedpan at my head.

Like you said, you "haven't had a dog owner YET blame Sam for THEIR dog attacking HIM, but...I expect it will eventually happen." Yup, anything is possible indeed.

David, I have no idea about the human version of victim blaming. In nature, herds exclude those who are a danger to them because of highly unusual coloring (a white wolf in a dark gray pack, e.g.), and turn on those who smell like blood because it rouses their predatory instinct (shark on shark munching), and it' part of our brains we also have....

That said, our society goes a step further. BIG step.

Mind you, I also have to ask "Why did these people just not quiet their dogs down?" but it's not meant to blame you, David, but to wonder WTH was wrong with *them*.

I've got a classic one even worse than that.

The policy at my alma mater was "If you have the problem, you *are* theproblem." So despite my roommate having sex with different guys in the top bunk, *my* not being "social" enough caused her to lodge a complaint. I was in tears, as I was dealing with my epilepsy not being controlled, and so the solution was.... Kick me out of the room, and put me in a study lounge to live. Really? Yep. Oh, so nice, huh? I've got seizures, she's keeping me up half the week wit her paramours, but hey, I cried, I have epilepsy (not even originally at issue) and there I went. They stuck a bed and dresser into a space meant for two desks and a pair of armchairs, and they were pushing their luck on that second armchair...and that was my new "room". Door? No. Closet? Ha. Because hey, me being "unsocial" and having epilepsy meant... She got a two-person room for herself, I got a two-desk nook to... um... well, I put up a bedsheet for a door, does that count as privacy?

Wow, I forgot that. For a reason. Grrr.

After that, I got my doc to sign a note saying I needed a single room, with room for a double bed. (AKA a two-person room.) The logic? THey didn't know jack about my seizures so would buy the excuse I needed a double bed for personal safety. Nope. My doc was just really really really PO'd on my behalf and that's how I spent the final two years of college being a sneakier bigger beyotch than the college administration beyotches.

That doesn't paint me as very admirable, I know. In retrospect, wow, nasty beyotch me. OTOH, my doc got the idea to get me a single room via that note, I just gloated about it to myself. Still do, actually. *sigh* Yeah, my moral compass just headed due shmuck....

I meant worse than the dog park, not the original incident with your HOA and Hellhound neighbors. ARGH. I hate when I don't look before I subnmit. I apologize.

I asked my doc if I could get a single room medically, gah, that spewed out of me with no editing. Sorry, David and others. Stress today fried my filters.

Still can't stand that ex-roomie---she was also a secondcousin on my dad's side, tho' we only knew it after we met. *sigh*

My dog doesn't do well at dog parks, either. I think it is because her bond with me is far more developed than her dog pack social skills. Like your dog, she is far more interested in what I am doing than sniffing tail. I kinda need her to be that way. She is emotional my lifeline, plus I need her to be able to stay calm on my wildlife photo shoots, etc. Can't have her chasing off my models or taking liberties with other motel patrons. It's a trade off. Other dogs pick on her because of it, but she gets to go places other dogs don't even know exist. No wonder she is my soul mate . . .

I understood the concept of "victim blaming" back when my most common psych diagnosis was, "White Trash Whore," but I kinda think it's another one that has been blown out of proportion in the decades since. I can't bring myself to call it victim blaming when a parent gets upset about a teenager breaking their latest e-toy. Nor do I believe parents refusing to replace said e-toy qualifies as a cause of PTSD.

Sigh. . . Seems like there is nothing that can't be made absurd. It sure minimizes the pain of the real deal.

Hope you can find another place to take your dog, David. Getting out is important for both of you. Leash laws can make that a royal pain in developed areas, but I have had good luck with church, office and school yards, etc.

Glad to read your post, even though it's filled with angst. I am just happy to know you are well enough to fill the screen with your very astute thoughts.

Victim blaming... so inappropriate. What also gets me is people playing the victim when it's really their own poor choices.

If only blame, responsibility and accountability could be assigned correctly... what a nice concept, huh?

Sorry that's happening to you and Sammy. I cannot stand victim blaming. It's one of those aspects of human nature that really irks me. This is making me mad just reading it.

Odd question, David---what're the leash laws where you are? I ask because even if dogs are off-leash here, owners are culpable for their behavior by law. (The only way a dog can be off-leash is if it responds to the first verbal command. It's a way to keep hunting dogs in check more than anything. But it does apply here even to dog parks.)

I wish I had something comforting to say...people are like that. Judgy. They don't want to believe how fragile life is for themselves, I don't think.

Thanks, all ... as always ... of course.

@Muji: what a textbook case of "it's not about me; it's about them." I'm sorry for what amounts to a profound betrayal (and an unhealthy dose of paranoia) from your friend. A few decades later, and I get ZERO sense that you have ANY 'guile' about you. No agenda. Not a hint of manipulation. You just are who you are -- a kind, decent, straightforward, WYSIWYG kind of person. F's loss.

@Leo: I'm sorry for raising another painful story from your past, but ... wholly understand why it was a painful memory. THE most basic principle in law is "Your right to swing your fist ends where my face begins." Your roommate (I was one, once) had an obligation to work things out with you in advance. We did it: an alternate place to stay in the event of ...... The fact that you were blamed, labeled, and punished for HER little dalliances ... definitely adds insult to injury. The challenge of not-yet-Dx'd epilepsy ... is just an order of magnitude more complexity/worse. I'm sorry. Maybe our little lover should have used the study lounge for the trystes instead.

@Arfie: I just won't take him to the dog park on the weekends anymore. He and I have lots of places to walk where we don't have the same problem. He DOES get denied the opportunity to just run and run, but ... 'tis the price we have to pay to keep him safe. Yeah: blaming rape victims for being raped is probably the epitome of Victim Blaming. I'm sorry. It sure sounds like you were hit by that one, too.

@Deli: It can certainly be infinitely complex. It can certainly be taken too far. But in a case like yours ... I can so easily imagine people muttering, sotto voce, that it's "your fault for wearing a head scarf in a post-9/11 world --" pure BS, but ... perfectly in keeping with just what I'm saying. The bullying ... really doesn't end after we all leave elementary school (as students), does it ?

@Rizen: thanks. I try ridiculously hard to remember that MANY people have commented at length, with support, and very kindly in response to my story. I try very hard to remember that -- whether they're a majority or a minority -- kind people exist. I've been desperate to get my story to go national, because ... in MY nightmares ... it's the only chance I have of it not repeating. Just like Sammy ... who KEEPS getting tormented by aggressive dogs ... I can see the "but you don't look disabled" thing ... costing me everything .... yet again. "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." There's nothing I can do to change human nature, but ... in my quiet moments ... I dream that a national spotlight might save even one person from what I (and others) went through.

@Leo: good question about the laws and the dog parks. The sign at the park entrance clearly puts the burden of dog behavior on its owner, but ... like many rules/laws ... if nobody does anything to enforce it ... then it has no effect. Also, you may understand why I'M more than a bit reluctant to complain, alert the authorities, raise my profile, call the Police or Animal Control ... or anything ... in this town. It didn't work out so well for me last time :-( I can't fight back the image of the SWAT team, the tank, and the sniper. Totally irrational, but ... I figure ... no matter what the issue .... if I call them ... they're coming for me.

@Blue: that's always been my understanding of the true etiology of Victim Blaming: you MUST be a bad person or bad things wouldn't happen to you. If you are good, then only good things happen ("The Just World Hypothesis"). It must be nice to still live under the illusion that that particular fairy tale is true. I doubt any of us DS-PTSD'ers can. A dear friend of mine is a serious outdoorsman -- runner, hiker, camper, back country skier, bicyclist, etc. He made me promise that -- if he meets his demise in some such pursuit -- I'll shout down all who will _certainly_ blame him. People die in plane crashes, of horrible diseases, on the roadways, and in their sleep. It isn't inherently irresponsible to go camping in the mountains. I made him that promise ... to defend his reputation if the worst should happen ;-)

One thing I've noticed in the years that I actively rode bicycles/motorcycles: every time a bicyclist/motorcyclist is killed by a car, the two-wheeler is presumed to be at fault, no matter how egregious the fault of the motorist. If no facts support blaming the dead person, then "the mere fact that they were stupid enough to ride a bike" suffices for these clowns.

Another thing I've noticed (and it's related): the mantra of "personal responsibility" is never applied to perpetrators; only to victims. I've always wondered why that is (he said, rhetorically). It's pure victim blaming, too.

David, oh ugh, "personal responsibility".... Yeah, women have to be personally responsible for every item of clothing, speck of make-up, choice of beverage, but some scumball who dopes their drinks? Nope, not his doing, the women should've known that was gonna happen. The riders should expect trucks to swerve into their lane without signaling. We should all be able to read everyone's intentions and minds by that definition of "personal responsibility".... There comes a point where due caution can't prevent tragedy. As we here know too well, alas.

Yeah,t hat memory tends to stay buried. Hmm.

Actually, I don't call cops. I cite state and local law chapter and verse (so to speak) to the person who is, say, not watching a leashless dog.... (outside a dog park to boot). I even memorized the maximum fines for that stuff. Then I smile reallllly nice and say, "Think about that before your dog gets you in trouble." So far, so good!

And I can't stand it when I have the 'audacity' to stand up for myself and it gets received as insubordination. The old, 'when I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.'

Also, if you are an @$$hole, be one to my face. Don't insult my intelligence by being two faced or duplicitous like I'm that stupid to believe you...

Now I'm in a ripe state... Deep breaths before going to bed...

Hi David. I think this is why we all want a beautiful secluded island. A place where we can have control over who can be there and who is not allowed. Sounds great doesn't it. I imagine even if it was possible to have such a wonderful place it wouldn't be long before you saw the attacking ships coming in accross the waves.
You have been through an awful lot of disappointment in the human race. I know how you feel and sometimes I wonder if I will ever get the opportunity to meet someone who is truely without mental baggage. I feel for you and hope you find some peace in this crazy world.

I think this is one reason that I shut myself off a lot from the world... I just didn't want to deal with the expectations of others or their boots.. I haven't really thought about or tried to dissect some of my choices however I know it's due to no longer wanting to be hurt

Big hug for you David... I'm so sorry you've been hurt so much...xo