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Wow, guess who tried to email me tonight for the first time in 3 years? One of the most abusive members of my violent family. It was from them that I severed all contact in 2010 with the help of my therapist. Suddenly the name pops up in my email tonight. I thought I had it set my email setting on "block." for this person
The subject line was just "hey," as if nothing had happened and we were buddies. Not "I'm sorry." "Hey."
I broke off contact with the family after the violent Christmas of 1992. In 2000, after years of therapy, I attempted a reconciliation. The first thing this very person who emailed me "Hey" today said to me in 2000 when I extended my hand in reconciliation was "I don't forgive you."
"I don't forgive you?" I was the injured party. I took beating after beating, never raising a hand or voice for years on end. I'm attacked in 1992, but when I come back I'M the one "not forgiven?"
It's pretzel logic with huge amounts of nerve.
So in 2010, with my therapist's help, after being punched in the face at Christmas again at age 52, I wrote a letter to all family members severing ties for the second and last time. From 1992-2000, for eight years, I had not allowed a peep. Though it was an enormously difficult step with huge suffering and hurt and anger behind it to do it a second time, I made my final letter in 2010 as polite as such a letter can be.
I realized I should never have tried to reconcile in the first place. You can't reconcile with those who will not admit to reality, the reality being that they literally laughed in your face as they got you beaten up, snitched on you, betrayed you, mocked you when you were down, robbed you of thousands of dollars, tried to ruin your reputation, lied about you, and even tried to steal your identity at times--you name it.
My last letter to my family in 2010 was as polite as such a letter can be a second time in one's life. That way I wouldn't have any regrets, I'd have nothing to take back in a moment of doubt, there's be less of a chance that denial could creep back in. There would be no third time.
In response, this family member who emailed me "Hey" tonight responded in 20101 with a furious 14 page fax sent to my therapist, a letter of pure hate. I didn't know people were dumb enough to be that transparently hateful directly to third party professionals, and go so far as even signing their name. The apparent purpose of the furious 14 page fax was to have me committed if I wouldn't have contact with my abusive family. That's how self righteous they are.
I mean I'm 54 years old, yet this one back in 2010 went back to my fifth grade school buddy and struck up a friendship with him, who I hadn't seen since he and I were kids, to try to ruin my reputation with this guy I no longer knew. And now they say "hey."
My therapist just read the fax and the attempt to trash old childhood friendships of mine as evidence of serious family pathological tendencies. He said it was an affirmation I'd done the right thing in severing ties.
I did not answer any of it. I do not. And so I've lived without contact and in peace for 3 years, save postcards they've sent a few times a year to my workplace. Postcards because they know I won't open letters as I return them to sender unopened. But these postcards get thrown away unread in any case.
So now in follow up to that hateful 14 page fax, an email saying "hey."
I'm laughing so as not to cry. Abusers never get it.
If the email was meant to notify me of a death in the family since I severed ties, my therapist and I prepared for that. That is still not an occasion for contact. I'm ready not to know the news of a death in the family now, or to hear the news of a death in the family from a safe, respectful third party--and I can't think of who that would be.
Knowing all of that, they send me an email saying "hey." Talk about nuts. Glad I can come here and can relay this openly despite how people in the general culture may feel biased toward family values over my own safety and peace of mind.
Anybody else have stories to share of oblivious abusers who still want to be your buddy? Feel free to share. I know I'm not the only one.
The subject line was just "hey," as if nothing had happened and we were buddies. Not "I'm sorry." "Hey."
I broke off contact with the family after the violent Christmas of 1992. In 2000, after years of therapy, I attempted a reconciliation. The first thing this very person who emailed me "Hey" today said to me in 2000 when I extended my hand in reconciliation was "I don't forgive you."
"I don't forgive you?" I was the injured party. I took beating after beating, never raising a hand or voice for years on end. I'm attacked in 1992, but when I come back I'M the one "not forgiven?"
It's pretzel logic with huge amounts of nerve.
So in 2010, with my therapist's help, after being punched in the face at Christmas again at age 52, I wrote a letter to all family members severing ties for the second and last time. From 1992-2000, for eight years, I had not allowed a peep. Though it was an enormously difficult step with huge suffering and hurt and anger behind it to do it a second time, I made my final letter in 2010 as polite as such a letter can be.
I realized I should never have tried to reconcile in the first place. You can't reconcile with those who will not admit to reality, the reality being that they literally laughed in your face as they got you beaten up, snitched on you, betrayed you, mocked you when you were down, robbed you of thousands of dollars, tried to ruin your reputation, lied about you, and even tried to steal your identity at times--you name it.
My last letter to my family in 2010 was as polite as such a letter can be a second time in one's life. That way I wouldn't have any regrets, I'd have nothing to take back in a moment of doubt, there's be less of a chance that denial could creep back in. There would be no third time.
In response, this family member who emailed me "Hey" tonight responded in 20101 with a furious 14 page fax sent to my therapist, a letter of pure hate. I didn't know people were dumb enough to be that transparently hateful directly to third party professionals, and go so far as even signing their name. The apparent purpose of the furious 14 page fax was to have me committed if I wouldn't have contact with my abusive family. That's how self righteous they are.
I mean I'm 54 years old, yet this one back in 2010 went back to my fifth grade school buddy and struck up a friendship with him, who I hadn't seen since he and I were kids, to try to ruin my reputation with this guy I no longer knew. And now they say "hey."
My therapist just read the fax and the attempt to trash old childhood friendships of mine as evidence of serious family pathological tendencies. He said it was an affirmation I'd done the right thing in severing ties.
I did not answer any of it. I do not. And so I've lived without contact and in peace for 3 years, save postcards they've sent a few times a year to my workplace. Postcards because they know I won't open letters as I return them to sender unopened. But these postcards get thrown away unread in any case.
So now in follow up to that hateful 14 page fax, an email saying "hey."
I'm laughing so as not to cry. Abusers never get it.
If the email was meant to notify me of a death in the family since I severed ties, my therapist and I prepared for that. That is still not an occasion for contact. I'm ready not to know the news of a death in the family now, or to hear the news of a death in the family from a safe, respectful third party--and I can't think of who that would be.
Knowing all of that, they send me an email saying "hey." Talk about nuts. Glad I can come here and can relay this openly despite how people in the general culture may feel biased toward family values over my own safety and peace of mind.
Anybody else have stories to share of oblivious abusers who still want to be your buddy? Feel free to share. I know I'm not the only one.
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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First, I hope everyone is doing well, and continuing to fight that good fight! Keep up the great work on yourselves; I'm rooting for all of you!So, I started doing therapy at the beginning of the year, when I was in my most depressed state, but with my therapist, I made big changes and steps in the right direction. But, over a month ago, she couldn't take my insurance anymore, and I had to stop...
you did what you had to do for your own well being
you tried reconect and it didnt work, here trying to reconect keeps you from regreting
Sure wish I had answers, muji.
As it is, I am only glad you survived and are able to use the disruption to find healing. Or... At least some clues to what needs healing.
Last I knew, the block utilities worked by screening the email address. A new address gets the old name through.
Idiot machines! They keep doing what I tell them to instead of what I want them to.
You are doing the right thing by no contact.
My family ostraziced me.When i confronted them with the abuse and neglect..And its now been years.
I could not be around people who harbor a crimminal like my father anyways...i just can't.
There is NO neutral in my view...any family members who cliam to be "neutral" are with the abusers.
You're doing the right thing.And yeah its crazy that he e.mails like "nothing" happened....But abusive families are crazy.
Thanks for the email blocking tip, too.
In my family of origin, there are five people who stick close together in solidarity as a healthy family... and two abusive people who are unable to behave appropriately or to respect normal boundaries. Among the healthy five, there are two who help to shield the other three from the perpetrators. We are so blessed!!!
The most amazing gift of all is the extent to which the children of the four healthy siblings have been spared fallout from the suffering we, their parents and grandparent, survived. Our children are actually able to BREATHE!!!
I am so inspired by the lavish gift of healing you are enjoying... and sharing with the rest of us here!! Thank you, Muji!!!
Hugs,
Rosie
Abusers abuse because they can. I am glad you are ignoring this person's email. I put mine in "spam" after my abuser got through when I had her name blocked. I got some pleasure of protection in identifying it as such even though I didn't answer her either. Were she to be in therapy and seeking healthy reconciliation, that would be different. But she is not and nothing I've said so far has been heard so why waste my spit?
I am glad you are here and able to receive comfort in your time of need. You are not alone in your brokenheartedness in being born to this family who knew so little about loving kindness. Yet, YET (drum roll) YOU GOT OUT FROM UNDER THE RUBBLE. And bless us all with your healing presence of transparency. How fortunate we are indeed for having you join our family of choice here at DS!
Yeah, and I'm the "identified patient" in my little family theatrical farce, too. What a bogus role--it's a black sheep label put on me unfairly because I went to therapy and they won't so they won't have to admit to stuff. I'll bet a lot of us here are labeled black sheep and identified patients, too. Good of you to bring that up.
I remember being violent towards my Brother when he was little, however I had come from being Sexually Abused as a child and suffering the effects of not feeling I was loved by my Family. (I was never told, "I love you!")
I do my best for my Gran (who is 88 Years-Old) to try and rectify my part in it all, however I'm still not allowed to make Adult decisions. (and I'll be 34 next Month)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ngFWyeNvaQ
You asked if any of us have similar stories, and I think I do.
I'm 39 and for the past 15 years or so, I've had an on again, off again relationship with my parents. In a nut shell, my dad abused me physically and emotionally and my mother was too weak to tell him to stop. He's apologized, but he still pulls his crap in his 70s. My mother thinks she is above reproach because she was a loving mother. If loving means you are extra nice to balance out Dad's horror, then you were an excellent mom.
Anyway... I was scared to death of him as a girl, but as an adult, if they pushed my buttons, I'd be all, "HELL no!!! and blow up and storm and not speak to them for a while." I now realize that's a classic PTSD reaction. I'd be fine having no contact for a few years, and then something would tug at me. I guess I missed having family around. But then I'd realize WHICH family I had and the cycle would start again.
Most recently, I got married and my husband said with very good intentions that I should try to mend things with them. I said for him, I would try. Well, that lasted for about a year and then they laid into him and I did the "HELL no!" thing again. That was when I was about 4 months pregnant. I had my son and got not so much as an email. The only time I'd contact them is to BEG my mom to not contact my ex in order to see her granddaughter. (Complicated, huh!)
I'm almost done... So, my son's six months old, and we have a meeting at a third party so my girl can see them at NYE. Turns out, my mom lost a bunch of weight and my brother says she's been running around on my dad. Two weeks ago, I go up to my grandparents -- my mother's parents -- and she shows up all olive branchy and a few minutes after she arrives, she gets a phone call and it's CLEARLY not my dad and I hear her tell this dude she loves him.
At this point I'm so "WTF?!?!" that I wait a few days and call my dad because I think he should know that this is still going on and she emails me begging me to leave it alone. She tries all these psychologies on me just to save her @ss.
I finally thought I was okay, but what did I have to do??? Go back to see a therapist b/c this has me in such a twist that I didn't know what to do.
So yes, I think I can relate!
I have similar experiences with my family, I will always be the black sheep. It is time to create your own family, thats what I'm trying to do. Its hard but no one ever told us it would be easy. I'm praying for you!
I've never had something like this happen. I did have a severely abusive psychopath continue to try to contact me like this as he stalked me for a year. He'd try everything. One day he'd be threatening and abusive. The next he'd ask me a simple everyday question. He was convicted of stalking me.
I have had an ex come knock on my front door after 6 yrs no contact once! Recently actually. I haven't had any contact with him in at least 6 yrs. In that time I have bought my current house and moved. One morning, a few months ago, I got an email from him out of the blue. I was shocked. I ignored it. A few hours later he was knocking on my front door (who knows how he found me). I talked to him briefly, ignored his attempts at getting my number, and he left. He tried another email again a week later, which I again ignored and I haven't heard from him since.
Abusers love to come back for old supply.
As agentsmith put it, the old abusers come back to resupply, don't they?