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Wow, guess who tried to email me tonight for the first time in 3 years? One of the most abusive members of my violent family. It was from them that I severed all contact in 2010 with the help of my therapist. Suddenly the name pops up in my email tonight. I thought I had it set my email setting on "block." for this person
The subject line was just "hey," as if nothing had happened and we were buddies. Not "I'm sorry." "Hey."
I broke off contact with the family after the violent Christmas of 1992. In 2000, after years of therapy, I attempted a reconciliation. The first thing this very person who emailed me "Hey" today said to me in 2000 when I extended my hand in reconciliation was "I don't forgive you."
"I don't forgive you?" I was the injured party. I took beating after beating, never raising a hand or voice for years on end. I'm attacked in 1992, but when I come back I'M the one "not forgiven?"
It's pretzel logic with huge amounts of nerve.
So in 2010, with my therapist's help, after being punched in the face at Christmas again at age 52, I wrote a letter to all family members severing ties for the second and last time. From 1992-2000, for eight years, I had not allowed a peep. Though it was an enormously difficult step with huge suffering and hurt and anger behind it to do it a second time, I made my final letter in 2010 as polite as such a letter can be.
I realized I should never have tried to reconcile in the first place. You can't reconcile with those who will not admit to reality, the reality being that they literally laughed in your face as they got you beaten up, snitched on you, betrayed you, mocked you when you were down, robbed you of thousands of dollars, tried to ruin your reputation, lied about you, and even tried to steal your identity at times--you name it.
My last letter to my family in 2010 was as polite as such a letter can be a second time in one's life. That way I wouldn't have any regrets, I'd have nothing to take back in a moment of doubt, there's be less of a chance that denial could creep back in. There would be no third time.
In response, this family member who emailed me "Hey" tonight responded in 20101 with a furious 14 page fax sent to my therapist, a letter of pure hate. I didn't know people were dumb enough to be that transparently hateful directly to third party professionals, and go so far as even signing their name. The apparent purpose of the furious 14 page fax was to have me committed if I wouldn't have contact with my abusive family. That's how self righteous they are.
I mean I'm 54 years old, yet this one back in 2010 went back to my fifth grade school buddy and struck up a friendship with him, who I hadn't seen since he and I were kids, to try to ruin my reputation with this guy I no longer knew. And now they say "hey."
My therapist just read the fax and the attempt to trash old childhood friendships of mine as evidence of serious family pathological tendencies. He said it was an affirmation I'd done the right thing in severing ties.
I did not answer any of it. I do not. And so I've lived without contact and in peace for 3 years, save postcards they've sent a few times a year to my workplace. Postcards because they know I won't open letters as I return them to sender unopened. But these postcards get thrown away unread in any case.
So now in follow up to that hateful 14 page fax, an email saying "hey."
I'm laughing so as not to cry. Abusers never get it.
If the email was meant to notify me of a death in the family since I severed ties, my therapist and I prepared for that. That is still not an occasion for contact. I'm ready not to know the news of a death in the family now, or to hear the news of a death in the family from a safe, respectful third party--and I can't think of who that would be.
Knowing all of that, they send me an email saying "hey." Talk about nuts. Glad I can come here and can relay this openly despite how people in the general culture may feel biased toward family values over my own safety and peace of mind.
Anybody else have stories to share of oblivious abusers who still want to be your buddy? Feel free to share. I know I'm not the only one.
The subject line was just "hey," as if nothing had happened and we were buddies. Not "I'm sorry." "Hey."
I broke off contact with the family after the violent Christmas of 1992. In 2000, after years of therapy, I attempted a reconciliation. The first thing this very person who emailed me "Hey" today said to me in 2000 when I extended my hand in reconciliation was "I don't forgive you."
"I don't forgive you?" I was the injured party. I took beating after beating, never raising a hand or voice for years on end. I'm attacked in 1992, but when I come back I'M the one "not forgiven?"
It's pretzel logic with huge amounts of nerve.
So in 2010, with my therapist's help, after being punched in the face at Christmas again at age 52, I wrote a letter to all family members severing ties for the second and last time. From 1992-2000, for eight years, I had not allowed a peep. Though it was an enormously difficult step with huge suffering and hurt and anger behind it to do it a second time, I made my final letter in 2010 as polite as such a letter can be.
I realized I should never have tried to reconcile in the first place. You can't reconcile with those who will not admit to reality, the reality being that they literally laughed in your face as they got you beaten up, snitched on you, betrayed you, mocked you when you were down, robbed you of thousands of dollars, tried to ruin your reputation, lied about you, and even tried to steal your identity at times--you name it.
My last letter to my family in 2010 was as polite as such a letter can be a second time in one's life. That way I wouldn't have any regrets, I'd have nothing to take back in a moment of doubt, there's be less of a chance that denial could creep back in. There would be no third time.
In response, this family member who emailed me "Hey" tonight responded in 20101 with a furious 14 page fax sent to my therapist, a letter of pure hate. I didn't know people were dumb enough to be that transparently hateful directly to third party professionals, and go so far as even signing their name. The apparent purpose of the furious 14 page fax was to have me committed if I wouldn't have contact with my abusive family. That's how self righteous they are.
I mean I'm 54 years old, yet this one back in 2010 went back to my fifth grade school buddy and struck up a friendship with him, who I hadn't seen since he and I were kids, to try to ruin my reputation with this guy I no longer knew. And now they say "hey."
My therapist just read the fax and the attempt to trash old childhood friendships of mine as evidence of serious family pathological tendencies. He said it was an affirmation I'd done the right thing in severing ties.
I did not answer any of it. I do not. And so I've lived without contact and in peace for 3 years, save postcards they've sent a few times a year to my workplace. Postcards because they know I won't open letters as I return them to sender unopened. But these postcards get thrown away unread in any case.
So now in follow up to that hateful 14 page fax, an email saying "hey."
I'm laughing so as not to cry. Abusers never get it.
If the email was meant to notify me of a death in the family since I severed ties, my therapist and I prepared for that. That is still not an occasion for contact. I'm ready not to know the news of a death in the family now, or to hear the news of a death in the family from a safe, respectful third party--and I can't think of who that would be.
Knowing all of that, they send me an email saying "hey." Talk about nuts. Glad I can come here and can relay this openly despite how people in the general culture may feel biased toward family values over my own safety and peace of mind.
Anybody else have stories to share of oblivious abusers who still want to be your buddy? Feel free to share. I know I'm not the only one.
Of course now that I'm healthy,they call me "sick".its ironic.i was so ill all those years and now i'm better.they cant let themselves see it though because it would make themselves look closer at the mirror and take them out of denial.
But I do have some guilt about not talking to them.every once once in awhile i'll "forget" and wonder why arent i talking to them? then like a dummy ill talk to my sister and immediately have anxiety attacks.then start the seperation process again.family is complicated.
Mujicaptsd,sorry your going thru this right now.....Hang in there..everyone here for you at ds..
That IS exactly what happened when, after 8 years of therapy and no contact with family, I reported my recovery to them and tried to reconcile! Thank you.