You come here to this board. Here if you vent constantly there are many people to listen. One person burns out on my topics, three more come support. It's so good here. Real world is so different. I live with six women is a great big house. All of them know I have PTSD because I talk about posting on a PTSD board online. But we never go into details, never. One has told me she was sexually abused by a non family member as a kid. When her mother found out she did nothing to help or understand afterwards. This roomie has PTSD worse than me in many ways. A second roomie I'm pretty sure was abused as a kid too. She and I have talked theoretical issues of child sex abuse and she knows way to much for a casual observer. A third has the worst PTSD of all of us. We smile and say how are you? but it's obvious she does not trust me and would never open up to me about anything. So four of us in the real world live together, suffer PTSD together and they make it clear they are not going to talk to me about it and don't want to hear from me in return. And my sibs absolutely will not talk, hear or support 'controversial' issues like rape & PTSD.

Even with online friends with similar experience of trauma, only one friend has always been there for me. I am also very intense and I burn out their sympathies. I recently described myself like a jalapeno; really terrific in very small quantities.

My experience has been that the real world is such a scary place for most people that they do not want to volunteer to hear about a lot of pain from others. I have only found online support in quantity.

Although my new bf is pretty great. I have told him of my childhood and suicide desires recently, about PTSD. But I very much will not wear out the only real life friend I have. I'll still come here first.

Diana- yeah, so I get kind of gushy about the value of support from people here, but it's sincere. I feel like this group has literally saved me on a number of occaisions. Peoples' willingness to share their process has also helped in ways no therapist really could. I think the sense that I'm not alone makes me feel much less disconnected from human contact, so what I put out there now may be less intense because I have shared here first so thank you and everyone here.

The experience of living with people not related to you is very interesting. Life at home (with people who don't know your story) must feel in some sense the way I feel when I'm at work or other places in the community at large. To me that feels kind of isolating and alienating. It is so by necessity- obviously, much of this stuff is just not appropriate for tossing around in general conversation. Obviously, the effect that can have is causing feelings of isolation even in people who don't naturally try to. I personally tend toward isolation over joining, but that's just me probably from early on. None of us can really speculate who we might be if we'd been transplanted into different (more functional) families.

Jen- you are more than welcome! Thank you also for your recent post, as I have the sense that some kind of body therapy (such as somatoemotional therapy) would help as I carry a lot of this stuff physically. I cut off from it, but then it comes out in some other body part (head aches, uti's, fibro type pain at one time). Something needs to give, right?

Interesting that the first therapist encouraged you to hold stuff back. I think even if it was not a conscious choice to try to drum up business, as people some therapists seem to have the disire to monopolize the handling of clients- perhaps the desire that they can be the one and only person to "fix us". My counselor for sure encourages me to spread it out some. I preface requests for appointments with "you might want to buy some Excedrin..."

My marriage is probably one of the biggest examples of me burning relationships to the ground. We are still together; I am aware that something has to change in my approach if I want that to continue. Intensity is probably the key. Our conversations about where I am and what I feel tend to go better when I'm not in the heat of freaking out when I tell him. Part of it is his limits (counselor's take is husband does not show much empathy- obviously, a one sided interpretation because she only works with me). The other part is what I throw at him.

It makes sense to me that (as you example with friends) no one person is going to give me every type of support I need, but from looking around I could surround myself with a group of people who can handle different parts, in a way that meets my needs without burning them out. I guess I kind of look at people who say their spouse is their best friend, and hold mine up to that standard (he's not). We are great in the areas where we work; there are emotional needs that I have to fill in other ways-not ways that undermine marriage, but could strengthen it by not waring him out.

This helps, because when I get in paranoid mode, I tend to get ready to throw out babies, grandpas and everyone else (except pets- won't throw them out ever!) with the bathwater.

Should probably ask you about "wild child cat" in a message. Have one who I think may need seizure meds. He goes around fighting invisible attackers. I probably value that kookie cat more because of this; can so totally relate :).

Thank you both as this gives me somewhere to go in working to maintain relationships of all types.

My own intensity is such that I project loudly even when I keep my mouth shut and hold still. I envy good liars who can get away with saying they are fine when they are everything but fine. I project like a bomb threat when I try that.

I work on sincerity. Conscious emotional inventories help me keep it focused so that I can avoid the random gushing. Writing, singing and artistic expression help me avoid the bottling effect. I isolate allot... Too much...

My husband cues me with an agreed upon, non-threatening phrase when my intensity becomes too much for him. We agreed upon the phrase during calm moments and our sons have since adopted it.

I pretty much give myself - and others - free reign on the internet. Mouse power is the ultimate censorship tool. I can click right on past posts which I find toxic and rest with the knowledge that others have the same defense.

Poor guy, but it makes sense that he avails himself to trusting you. I think animals tend to be better judges of character than people sometimes.

Mine I'm pretty sure has feline hyperesthesia. This could be trauma related, but other theories say purely neurological. He senses stuff that's not there. Screams and cries like something is attacking his back end. Looks (large pupils) like a critter who is under seige but he's not. Our other cat got yelled at a few times before we realized she was nowhere near him when he was having a fit and falling into it. He had the full regular physical: no injury, no fleas or anything biting him. When he goes in and out of it, it is like watching someone in a trance state. I can bring him out of it by talking to him and petting his back. I guess this replaces the phantom sensation that bugs him. He could have had early trauma of some sort because he was a barn cat before we took him to live with us as a kitten. He's about four, and this is just starting. Hoping his doctor will treat this without the battery of tests required to do a full diagnosis. I have a fifteen year old dog whos medications alone cost about $100/month, so I really have to conserve. Me, don't have medical insurance, but thankfully my health is better than the fifteen year old dog, or there would be some hard choices to be sure.

Sidebar: if we could develop a race of super responsible/industrious cats, this whole question of interdependance with humans would be a non-issue. Though they could fix cars, prescribe meds, bake bread and pay their share of the rent, I think cats like that would probably lack the empathy of the cats we have now, so maybe we will just have to stick to relying on people to some extent...

Arfie- I isolate too, probably as much to protect others as myself.

I too can do the intensity thing nonverbally. I have a look that brought my granddaughter to tears! I swear I was not trying to do that. She was one, decided to bite her mother, then reach for me when her mother yelped in pain. I took her, but the look on my face must have showed how I felt about the whole biting her mother thing. I don't spank and don't yell or speak harshly to her ever, but the "angry granny look" was enough to evoke tears.

I'm sure people in the world probably get that look more than I intend. Though I isolate to avoid reacting strongly, I'm not very good at hiding how I feel if something particularly strong and wild is passing through.

Creative outlets, as you suggest, would be a really good idea.

guayaba,

In terms of disclosure/friend burnout etc., I think we have to get more savvy and refined in understanding/interpreting social appropriateness regarding disclosure when we have something like PTSD kicking us in our hearts and heads.

I have experienced that I must draw boundaries in disclosure, even w/ other PTSD people. To me it is just the sensitivity to take into account what other people can handle, and how not to disrupt the balance of a relationship. Even close real world friends often lack the emotional preparedness to rise to the occasion of us turning in to a fire hose spurting out pain.

I am really glad I have a therapist who knows me well who I can say anything to. But real world adult friendships are not stream of consciousness things- like they perhaps were w/ pals on the playground when we were young.

I find that by having realistic expectations of others it is easier to be happy and comfortable with my real world relationships. When I get into Henny Penny the sky is falling mode, I know it is time to regroup my inner perspective about what it is reasonable to expect from others.

About a year ago my eldest son (who I adore and am close to) expressed his pent up frustration towards me for being so TMI (too much information.) It really shocked me, because he is always so supportive, it took him breaking down about it, for me to understand that I needed to redesign my communication pattern with him. At first this felt superficial, now it just feels right and good.

Once we have a sense about quantity, quality and timing of disclosure, and put these social interaction guidelines in place for ourselves, my experience has been that it becomes freeing, more comfortable and I don't have to feel either embarrassed or like I am hiding things from others

.My goal is to move away from TMI and more towards 'need to know' as a guiding principle.

A parallel example is that I have had an incurable chronic pain disorder for over 20 years. This has made everyday activity a battle of will for me. Yet I established, maintained and completed a college teaching career w/o anyone at my work ever knowing I had this disease. I knew no good could come for my career path if I let myself get labeled as the sick one. It was a decision that paid off in spades.

When we are at a loss as to what to do, or trying to figure something out, I think DS PTSD, private therapy, research etc. are wonderful means for us to enhance our healing. Support groups by definition offer what I would consider a conditional type of acceptance.

Our main task is to accept ourselves, respect ourselves, honor and care for ourselves. We can't get that electronically.

Letitbe3- You are right about the swing toward TMI. I think it's almost a reaction against the time when none of this could be discussed in any context, people were expected to deal privately, and "what happens in the family stays in the family". As a culture, we have probably swung way too far in the opposite direction of that.

I think with kids it's easy as they become adults for that to happen. They can be close, and when they are adults it could feel like it's okay to discuss stuff you never would have before but it seems appropriate because of their level of maturity. I know my daughter and I have both at different times given each other the feedback of "I didn't need to know that much." We both take it in stride, but I think that some level of generational separation makes us feel more comfortable.

I think the being careful to select the message and gear it toward the listener's ability to deal was the source of my fear that the friend I mentioned might be ready to cut me loose. She has legal experience, thus I got on the tirade of how I felt about that as a system; she is also one of the more sensitive and thoughtful people I know. She cares, but perhaps to the degree that she would be more easily hurt than friends I have who care less. So I'm relieved I didn't drive her away, but for the first time I really started to consider the consequences of how I share and with what intensity I go about it with her.

Funny how this extends to things here under my roof too. It's important for husband to know what has gone on, to know how I feel, but also possible that he can still be considered a good husband even while not being the primary go to person I can talk to about all of it.

So I think the take home from what you said was the recipient's ability to deal with what I tell them can have more to do with the appropriateness of how I discuss things (and whether our relationship is comfortable for us both to be in from then on out) than what the relationship is. What people can listen to varies by individual rather than just closeness of relationship.

The thing for me is that I live in a really beautiful old house in an upscale neighborhood with acres of mature trees, beautiful yards and my personal space is the attic away from everyone; two rooms, one a bedroom, one an art room. I pay less than half what an apartment alone would cost. But then I live with strangers. They are respectful and cheerful strangers so a big positive step better than toxic family growing up.

But yes it is lonely. Real life is lonely even with a bf who lives in a different town. It's very lonely bc my cat had to go live in Florida with my kid bc my home does not allow pets and bc one of my kids lives eight miles away and has rejected me.

I've never suffered from forcing TMI on others in the real world. I've burned out past friends by having PTSD symptoms get in the way. hypervigilance and ged get monotonous in less than an hour if its a repeat performance.

I burn out others with the intensity of my curiosity and obsession with art. My daughter had a party at our home once where she stopped me in the middle of an explanation of gravity described by Einstein's Relativity theory. She was mortified and deeply embarrassed. Her friends didn't understand why, they were OK with it. But I think my kids just really don't like my intensity, doesn't matter the subject. I have never tried to tell them specifics of my childhood abuse. My audacity came from the bare fact that I was remembering abuse from childhood at all and then told them that much and I was suffering from PTSD; but no details at all.

They find my poetry boring at best but often offensive. They grew up around my paintings so a new one is less interesting than a new hair cut. They really just don't like me. The fact that this is identical to how my original family felt about me can not be a coincidence. I need support in the real world to tolerate family condemnation. But I don't have it. The pain of it just may kill me.

Sorry for the vent. You all were talking about worldly support and TMI. I suppose this is TMI itself, but I have no where else to vent.

Diana- I do that too with curiosity. I don't mean too, but I think it's possible that when I ask something for the sake of clarification, it can hit too close. I can sometimes be too direct (yeah, tell you something you didn't already know, right?).

My daughter actually prefers the arrangement you describe when it comes to room mates. To her, it often feels easier to set boundaries about things like the use of common areas with people she was not friends with before living together. Respect, like you say is the key to that. It sounds like part of what probably makes that feel respectful is the limits you have sort of set by default about what is and isn't discussed among you.

This kind of reminds me of what Letitbe was talking about. To me that quality could be called "civility"- a sense of safety created by having some parameters around what people can expect to be or not be part of the conversation.

You are humble and kind to raise this point. We survivors with PTSD are an intense lot, aren't we? No wonder we might burn others out--and burn each other out here, too, which I've noticed as well. I'll stay tuned to catch any pointers on this myself. Be well.