Kristine, you prepared yourself as best you could for what you knew would be a rough day. Obviously, your best friend showing up for him took it all to a new level. She will learn her lesson by associating with him. I might try burning off some physical energy to tire myself and have less emotional energy flowing. Showers of calming and comforting hugs raining down on you.

I been tryong to do things all day to ware myself out but being so numb to everything just makes it so much harder. The hate I have is unexplainable right now. They even had to up my meds today I feel like I got so much to do.

What you are going through is very difficult, Kristine. Be gentle with yourself. Because you are numb it might be beneficial to write out how you are feeling or record it to get out your emotions, also take time out to reflect and practice relaxation techniques: deep breathing, meditation, warm bath or any thing you find soothing and comforting. Hugs. I hope that you will be able to move on to a happier life.

Thank you I bern working hard at it for real and I am honestly getting super fusterated because with three kids I don't have the time anymore being a single parent

Hello Kristine. I haven't been on in a while so I am not completely sure what the circumstances of today was in regards to, but all the same I can feel in your words here how trying of a day this has been for you.

I echo the advice you received from the other commenters , and would only add one thing to it.

Having been in similar place of struggle and frustration, I think one of the most important things to do when you are having this kind of day , month, life really, is to remember while you do the relaxing stuff and the wear yourself out stuff and the just plan get your Mom responsibilities done, and all the whatever soothes you implementations going, is to give yourself permission to not be okay, to not be super human, to not do everything you need to do perfectly, to not be upset with yourself for any feelings you may have, and to not feel a need to apologize or explain your need to express them.

In other words, take the kids to school later than usual if you have to, pick up an old glass you don't mind getting rid of and go outside in the yard or the garage and smash the crap out of it if you are mad, pick up dinner instead of cook, say no thank you to an invite out and don't explain why just say I'll take a rain check, and most of all don't beat up on yourself for going numb because it is a coping skill that comes out when you need it until you learn a better skill for coping. Yes, it is okay to not be okay, to have an off day, to be mad, to not feel like being good old reliable super woman for a bit.

Kristine, you are still an incredible remarkable person, that has such strength that you don't even know you possess yet, because you already survived all the dark things that caused you to develop numb as a coping skill in the first place.

Trying, not being perfect, allowing yourself to not be okay, are all human ways, healthy human ways.

They are not character flaws.

Character flaws can be found in him, in his behavior, and your friend and her behavior. You, you are beautifully human.

At the very end of all this painful journey, you will have a new vision, in new mirror that will reflect to you what you have always been but unable to always see, your strength, your bravery, your funny little imperfections that make you endearing not unworthy.

I wish you this, I wish you to see yourself as you really are and not as he has made you feel.

triple hugs of support~

It's amazing how many times a Judas will show up in life, Kristine8285. By that I mean someone like your friend showing up in court, yes, but for the OTHER side. If I had a dollar for every knife in my back I'd be rich.

But in the end it was the original Judas who would up wrong and suicidal, and those he betrayed went on to be the heroes history remembers. This is a bad present moment, no doubt, but live through it for the long haul. Believe in yourself. We're with you, OK?

Wow Kristine! That would be a tough blow for anyone, but, you persevered, you got through it. Time for as much self care as you can fit in, even little things can help restore you now.

Wishing you peace and strength. And lots of hugs.

Thank you all I have not been the same since I don't know how to explain it all I want to ball my eyes out but I'm so numb and in shock. I don't know what do with myself then finding out I lost my job the day of court was a huge thing. It's like my life isn't getting any better that things keep going backwards and not forward it's the worst feeling in the world well except my abuse bit even then I feel like I'm living that over and over again each day. It's like when you wake up and it's the same thing from the day before that's how I feel. That it's the same day over and over. I brake the circle for a few but my brain seems to find its way back to the circle.

Sorry to hear you lost your job, too

Hold on to those days when you break out of the circle/ numbness/ super strong memories, etc. . Are you seeing a counselor? That might help. The times when you're out of "the circle" will get longer and happen more often. It takes time though.

Peace and hugs.

I know, Kristine8285, having PTSD is not just remembering the past but re-living it over and over. As you say:

"I feel like I'm living that over and over again each day. It's like when you wake up and it's the same thing from the day before that's how I feel. That it's the same day over and over."


It's hard for other folks to understand until the see the old movie Groundhog Day, where the actor Bill Murray plays a character who wakes up to relive the same day over and over forever.

I re-live my missionary kid PTSD daily with either the day I was in a car bombing overseas as a kid at age 9 or the day a military officer abroad tried to shoot me twice when I was 15 but his gun jammed. The two moments were wired into my young developing brain forever. I will never get rid of them.

Dumping them here daily, letting them repeat here daily by my mentioning them daily like I just did here helps me go on and function for the rest of my day. It's following the logic from my PTSD therapist from the VA who taught me "repetition brings mastery." In other words, rather than be a victim of the fact that it's Groundhog Day in my head every day with my traumas coming back to mind daily, the idea was that I would become the author of those stories and tell them daily but on my terms. That's what Daily Strength PTSD is for.

A therapist is great because they help us re-shape our stories so our stories don't shape us any more.

I totally get that because I seem that movie and that's what I been going through. I haven't been on much lay my PTSD is licking my ass along with my depression. I can't get stuff out I just keep freezing. It's like being on the edge of a iceberg. It's really been sucky lately.