Upset today. Couldn't overcome driving phobia or lymphedema. Upset about breast atrophy and being kicked in groin last year for inappropriate dancing. Feeling hopeless. Hard to watch rest of family having a life. Complete social failure at dance studio makes me feel like I could never make it without husband. Husband is out most nights for volunteer meetings and social drinking. I feel alone. I don't want to have a Super Bowl party;the food will make me bloat up. I can't take care of myself and I have no say in anything. All I do is bike. My lymphedema wants to progress; I'm stuck in bed with my legs up on pillows after I make dinner. I pushed myself too hard and my breasts are gone and I might gain the weight back anyway.

Getting a job looks daunting. Cant stand very long, don't want to teach or work with children or college agebecause I'm not comfortable doing that as an incest victim (no attraction to children, but I am attracted to men in their twenties). Discouraged in my writing career. So tired of all the
Condescending voices I hear. Like how surprised people are when I don't suck. Literally. Real comments I've heard: don't worry, honey, you'll be published someday. I've been published 8 times. Oh. Or, oh, you're not going to dance a number by yourself? Yes I am. After:?that was pretty good. Just tired of it.

I feel like my hopes and dreams are crushed.i know I have a lot to be thankful for, want to feel blessed and believe in hope.