I'm sorry how you're feeling. Remember you matter, you have a purpose.
Gentle hug

Gentlest of supportive hugs, Rizen. How are you doing with getting out and about? One cannot find new love without first showing yourself.

Healing hopes, Rizen.

Gentle purrs.

hugs Rizen

There is hope, even when it seems all hope is lost. Don't give up!

i bet the only people who don't love you are the ones who don't know you. you are a very special person - we see that here. there are other people like you, they are taking good care of the people they love, just as you do. they are in a tight knit life and no time for themselves maybe.

how you will meet each other, i don't know. but please give yourself a chance/time for it to happen.

Huge hug for you Rizen...... I am so sorry you are going through such a terrible time right now....

. Sweetie if you can get into a real group for depression or PTSD....... If you have a faith talk to a leader in this faith..... Have some meetings with him/her..... Discuss the feelings you're having

I went through having very bad suicidal thoughts when care giving my parents..... They were both dying and I was with them around the clock ...... I lived with very dark thoughts on a regular basis.......I think some of what you're feeling is grief and it's very painful........I think a RL outlet could help you a lot..... I had some meetings with an Anglican priest .....He was a wonderful guy and a big help to me

Big hug for you and a blessing..... We care about you a great deal.......xo

I keep having panic attacks when all my bottled up anger and depression spills out and ended up throwing something and denting the wall.

we all get to this point I know your angry but your not alone where stress get out of control , I feel guilty that I'm alive but my sisters and mom and dad left way to soon, in that matter I'm alone kind of , but I do have good support from other family member ect, , hang in there this well pass do you have animal they help , if you can volunteer it take up you time and you meet peole I'm have been threw lots I get panic attic there very disturbing anyhow hang in there I care , I like you extra big hugs minnie

For what little it's worth, Rizen.... I end up feeling like no matter how hard I try, my "numbers" in life will never be a good enough "grade" and.... Yeah. Just once, can't I feel like it's okay that I am imperfect? ... Eh, not today, apparently. Maybe you and I can get to better places tomorrow or next week. Puma paw bump.

This is the same way I feel all the time too. Sorry you are having to deal with it too. I stopped caring what everybody else thought about me but then that became a problem too. It's hard to find that even ground. I care about you deeply. You have helped me through some very bad times. You are a giver and give more than you get back. Doesn't seem fair. But I can see that you are beautiful and have so much to offer. Lots of support to you and hugz.

All I can think up when "nothing matters" and "everybody dies" come to me is from what I teach in death and dying classes when I teach Tuesdays with Morrie. When he was dying he told Mitch about the story of the bird on his shoulder and the story of the little wave in the ocean. In context, those were meaningful. Here it is out of context:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4p2iJmNYJaU

To create a context for it to be meaningful, it might help if you follow SunCloud's advice to talk to a depression group or someone. Our context is created over 4 months or so as a group in class discussion every time.

I'm sorry youre feeling this way Rizen, it hurts more than words can describe what we go through. I lost my son's father, my first and only ever best friend, in 1998 and it is something that I still really cant understand. I dont feel loved also and it has been weighing heavily on me. Im looking into hypnotism, i feel like that will help.

Thanks for the support everyone.

@gmasunshine4 there's nothing random in the world; the problem is people. If someone doesn't want to believe something no amount of evidence can change their mind. People will hold to their egos to the point of blaming rape victims and electing someone who sexually assaults women and filed bankruptcy for his businesses four separate times president then defend him even after he fires the FBI director investigating him for treason with Russia and says in a television interview he did it because the investigation then invites the Russian ambassador to the white house with only Russian media coverage and gives him classified Israeli information causing them and several other countries to stop sharing information with our country then despite his aid's best efforts tweets confirming it on social media for the world to see, puts out a budget with 2 trillion dollars in mistakes that would cut cancer research and medicare, tells dictators the location of our Nuclear submarines in a casual phone call, makes our country the laughingstock of NATO and backs out of the Paris climate accord.
If he shot me on main street people would defend him, I have no doubt.

It's a horrible, savage world and once my mom dies of cancer I'll be all alone in it.

Thanks for the support everyone.

@gmasunshine4 there's nothing random in the world; the problem is people. If someone doesn't want to believe something no amount of evidence can change their mind. People will hold to their egos to the point of blaming rape victims and electing someone who sexually assaults women and filed bankruptcy for his businesses four separate times president then defend him even after he fires the FBI director investigating him for treason with Russia and says in a television interview he did it because the investigation then invites the Russian ambassador to the white house with only Russian media coverage and gives him classified Israeli information causing them and several other countries to stop sharing information with our country then despite his aid's best efforts tweets confirming it on social media for the world to see, puts out a budget with 2 trillion dollars in mistakes that would cut cancer research and medicare, tells dictators the location of our Nuclear submarines in a casual phone call, makes our country the laughingstock of NATO and backs out of the Paris climate accord.
If he shot me on main street people would defend him, I have no doubt.

It's a horrible, savage world and once my mom dies of cancer I'll be all alone in it.