Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
I have avoided contacting them because it doesn’t seem right. That’s for victims of sexual assault. They use the R word and that’s not what I would call any of the things I’ve been through that are affecting me now. Even when I was raped, I only know because of how I woke up the next morning. I’m not belittling the trauma there, just explaining that what I’ve been through is nothing like what others have been through and those services seem like they’re set apart for people who’ve experienced violent unpredictable events. I couldn’t have predicted this stuff but it wasn’t violent. I don’t want to explain. I know I didn’t ask for it. I was a kid when the original abuse happened and I was oblivious when the marital abuse happened. That’s flat out embarrassing. I thought I had the problem when he was not willing to respect my “no.” In his mind there was no reason for me to say no but to call it rape is not right either. It’s not black and white. Still, all the other resources I have attempted to use in town are unavailable. The domestic violence hotline connected me to someone local and they helped a lot. But beyond my advocate and counselor, all their connections are too bogged down with clients to actually help. And then I moved in with my parents a while county away. There is a shortage of resources. I’m desperate and feeling hopeless. In a lot of ways that I should be able to receive practical help. For instance, not money but a financial counselor. My money was not my own and my financial decisions were not a thing. My decisions period were not a thing. I was stupid, crazy, needed to just deal with it. There was no changing. I’m out of practice and full of self doubt. I often freeze and feel trapped regarding any decision - period. But especially under all our debt which is all in my name. I need some guidance. I’m great with numbers but I look at mine and suddenly it’s like an unsolvable sudoku puzzle. So I finally called RAINN because I’m out of other options and I don’t know if they can or will help but I do know that unlike everything else, the help is right here in this county. Instead of 45 minutes away it’s 4-5 minutes away. She says the advocate here is named Emily and she may be able to connect me with a financial counselor as well as a free counselor that specializes in sexual assault. What I experienced with husband was much more than sexual assault. What I’m working through is much more than domestic violence in my marriage. It’s a lifetime of abuse and chaos and a lack of respect for healthy boundaries from my family who are also very kind reasonable people - face palm. I can’t grasp it at all. That’s a lot. I don’t know if they can help and I’m not getting my hopes up but right now, I’m so far from okay. It’s an option. And it’s free. The worst they can say is nothing I haven’t already heard from any other organization. So now I wait. I may not hear from her until next week. I can wait.
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
So I only just-a-patient believe. . .
Gentlest of support while you find your own path, Marah.
...but marriage doesn't make...okay to take without asking and clarifying first.
1. domestic violence.
They got PTSD from our car bombing alone, and went at each other violently in the home weekly every after. Each other, both sides, not just one.
Living in a combat zone, laws were suspended, so lawlessness abounded. The phrase that war leads to "rape, pillage, and plunder" led to
2. rape.
I was raped twice by a US military pedophile who also raped 4 other kids from my elementary school. He got away with that in the "fog of war" overseas, but when he came back to the US and did it, he got caught, imprisoned, and died in prison.
Then there's the trauma of 6 years in a combat zone itself. The bookends of my experience alone, a car bombing at 9 and a mock execution 6 years later when I was 15, were enough for lots of PTSD. But there were many others in those 6 years, too.
3. Combat.
The combat was so close that soldier actually pointed rifles out of my bedroom window during a battle when I was 10 years old.
None of those traumas were unrelated, then, but in coming to the USA the help for each were offered to me completely separately. Sexual assault counseling and domestic violence counseling might be done by the same counselor. However, combat PTSD counseling was not done by the same counselor, especially not for a civilian. I had to wait 12 years to get a counselor who saw the obvious connection and treated me for all three at once.
We survivors are educating the system as to reality as we present our real lives to its theoretical structures. The folks in the system mean well as far as helping us, but often their answers lag behind our real questions.
Give yourself lots of credit for persevering to get help, Marah. I give myself a lot of credit for being able to stand my combat PTSD nightmares for 12 years until I got a therapist who would finally include treating those along with treating my sexual assault and domestic violence PTSD. 12 years was a long time. We're with you here to support you as you find that therapist who will listen to all of your experience at once, hoping this time for you it won't take as long.