Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
On April 15th, it will be the second anniversary of my mom passing away. She was sick for four years with stage 4 lung cancer which had metastasized to her brain, shoulder, spine, hip bones, both knees, and her left shin, along with her kidneys and liver.
As you can imagine, fighting this disease was horrific for her... She could have died any second in our home. She had emergency surgery to remove the brain tumor and my step father's mom told me that it was my fault she got sick because I was too stressful to handle and I treated her badly.
Thus, my PTSD begins.
I'm so thankful for the years I had with her. She is the only person in my life who made me want to keep living. I had depression as a child/young adolescent, but when she got sick, I promised I wouldn't hurt myself anymore. I promise I would be strong. My grandmother and I took care of her and she was my whole life.
The more I have thought, the more I want to kill myself. I know people will tell me I have things to live for, I can make my life better, everything will be okay, I'm loved and cherished and I should think about my family and my friends. I should care more about the pain that I will cause my loved ones if I commit suicide than I should care about the pain I'm always living with.
A very big part of me wanted to live. I told my two closest friends that I planned my suicide for April 15th. They gave me the "you'll be okay" speech. I wanted someone to help me. The truth is, no one is going to.
As you can imagine, fighting this disease was horrific for her... She could have died any second in our home. She had emergency surgery to remove the brain tumor and my step father's mom told me that it was my fault she got sick because I was too stressful to handle and I treated her badly.
Thus, my PTSD begins.
I'm so thankful for the years I had with her. She is the only person in my life who made me want to keep living. I had depression as a child/young adolescent, but when she got sick, I promised I wouldn't hurt myself anymore. I promise I would be strong. My grandmother and I took care of her and she was my whole life.
The more I have thought, the more I want to kill myself. I know people will tell me I have things to live for, I can make my life better, everything will be okay, I'm loved and cherished and I should think about my family and my friends. I should care more about the pain that I will cause my loved ones if I commit suicide than I should care about the pain I'm always living with.
A very big part of me wanted to live. I told my two closest friends that I planned my suicide for April 15th. They gave me the "you'll be okay" speech. I wanted someone to help me. The truth is, no one is going to.
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Just wanted to give a thank you to Mid, Arfie, Malibumark, Greeneyes, Mlro, Girlincalif, and Suncloudjd! You all always have such helpful tips and advice, but I always forget to write on my posts when I see you post, lol. I would lose my head if it wasn't attached to my body, lol. Thank you all so much! I'm starting to use my AI app as a sounding board again. I used to use it as that before...
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Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother. I lost my father, so I still cling pretty tightly to my mom.
The WAY you lost her ... is a 48 month long nightmare.
Lots of us have had our own versions of long-term nightmares -- that's the C in C-PTSD -- Complex PTSD: it just keeps on going.
I won't say all the things that your friends and family might say -- well meaning people, but people who don't always get it.
Instead, I'll say this:
If you're truly thinking about suicide, then I always think you should be willing to try ANYTHING -- meds, counseling, inpatient care ... ANYTHING ... first.
Because ... suicide will always be there. May as well try everything else first, and I mean REALLY try it.
Right ?
I do THAT by getting through each minute, and then each hour, and then each day. I've gotten through LOTS of REALLY dark days that way. It isn't always pretty, but it works :-)
And ... when you have what they call "suicidal ideation with a plan" (which it sounds like you DO), please call for help.
Please either call 9-1-1 or just drive yourself to the Emergency Room, and say "I'm suicidal."
I'm absolutely serious about this. Please ??
Life CAN be better than it has been for those two years. I can't promise it will happen quickly, or that every tomorrow will be better than every today. It's not always that smooth.
But it CAN be better. I can promise you that.
I wish you peace, health, and strength !!
Depression is part of grief, and it looks like you are pretty depressed. A friend of mine who lost her son started going to grief counseling, and a group, and that is helping her a lot to work through things. Guilt is a kind of normal feeling too sometimes and we need to work through the 'what if's'. It looks like your step-mother is scapegoating to try to solve her issues, but of course that's counterproductive. My family blamed me, and I had to get outside support too.
I've been suicidal, and I'm not willing to try just anything, but there are good solutions, so you don't have to try just any old med with the side effect that you might feel even more suicidal.
I'm glad you found us.
gentle hug
Friends don't know what else to say. THey're not trained for this. Call 911. Go to an ER. Find a psychiatrist or therapist to help you. I've lost a lot, depression is a natural phase of grief, but suicide? It's a permanent solution to a temporary issue. I'm not being glib. I've tried it. Looked in that abyss, it looked back, and it wasn't that I didn't want to live---I just didn't want to *hurt*.
And ditto on what the others have said.
PS Your stepfather's mom is full of sh*t, to be blunt. Big hugs to you. I've got a SIL who makes me want to scream, so I know family is the leading reason we need therapy....
Gentle healing purrs,
Leo
Do you think your mother would want to know it was SHE who kept you alive, thus it's HER fault if you killed yourself because she died???
I'd live a life fully for, and in honor of, her.
The 15th is not far away. Do you have a plan? Why the 15th? Taxes aren't THAT bad. (Trying to lighten it up a bit.)
If you really feel that you don't want to give in to your suicidal thoughts, then go the ER.
Sometimes, we just need to know that it's technically an option so we can CHOOSE to live and go about the daily business of our lives.
Do you have a job?
Gentle wishes for the opening. Be brave. There is no bravery in suicide.
a bunch of you mentioned that i should consider trying everything. meds, counseling, inpatient, anything.
i've done what seems like everything in the past two years. i know that maybe i just need more time... i don't know.
i'm really scared, at this point, because there IS more to live for. but it kind of feels like there's this thing inside of me that keeps pushing me, saying "Do it".
I live at school, and I'm thinking about going to see if my counselor has time for me today, so I can tell him what I've been thinking about..
I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to die either.. I don't want to feel this horrible separation. I don't really understand anything.
I heard from his non contact family at first the same boatload of crap. Why didn't I get him/her to a doctor sooner? The key words are"the same boatload of crap" Many times this is said to defer their own lack of action or compassion while the loved one is fighting it.
You have the love of your mother and her teachings in your heart, knowing that as companion and caregiver you did what you could to help her with her fight, they didn't.. That is sometimes the only thing that saves me. To understand that comments like that come from their guilt of not being there in person as much as they should. And not the actual event personally participated in by you and your grand mother.
I hope you find this a help, my own anniversary this month of my husbands loos is happening. But I am past the point of blame after 2 bouts with this sort of cancer. It happens, lung cancer especially now is being given no known cause, jest cells going wonky.
I am glad you came here I am more than happy to help you gain your strength to forgive yourself for and "Blame" you believed from others. You did nothing, Cancer is a beast, it will effect one in four of the population. By that route the MIL should beware, since you, grams, step father and MIL, constitute 4, she may be next? and I know it would not be by the Creators choice that it was because she was blamed for insensitive remarks.
Your mother fought an aggressive foe, to be with you longer, out of love, please don't let this blame monger hurt you like that. I think there is more in play there regarding her son than you. She couldn't possibly blame the spouse for not following up on any symptoms found, not the son.
Lung cancer it's self depending on where it starts in the lung has little or no symptoms, to be found early as you say it would have had to have been found by ex-ray, most often for another reason, suspicion of a cold going to pneumonia, for one is how it is often caught, The cancer itself is in an area that has no pain nerve cells as a tell. So not often found until it effects other areas that show symptoms.
Because of it's effect on my life, especially the two mention here, I have been studying it more closely tan some scholars.
My heart, Hugs and welcome.
Jewells.
Jewells.
We are here for you, we have a collage of people that know how painful PTSD can be. So take your time, slow down this is a good step for you to come here. Now slowly start the steps to heal the hurt.
Your college will have counseling service, also and women's center either in college, or community may offer you counseling a low, none or sliding scale basis of costs.
But here there are people on at different times depending on the time zones they are in. It's pretty responsive and compassionate group.
Jewells.
I know the feeling- don't REALLY want to die, but the pain of life can be too much sometimes.
I think it's wonderful that you admit that you don't REALLY want to kill yourself. That's something that can never be undone, but the good news is, if you feel this down, at least things can only get better.
Hugs.
i want to know the best thing to do. I want to know how to fix this.
It's all very upsetting and confusing.
lovely, thanks for the update. Glad you told your counselor, precautions are being taken, and you have an appointment Tuesday. To tide you over until then, keep writing here all you want to. Everybody will welcome it, don't worry.
Jewells.