Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
On April 15th, it will be the second anniversary of my mom passing away. She was sick for four years with stage 4 lung cancer which had metastasized to her brain, shoulder, spine, hip bones, both knees, and her left shin, along with her kidneys and liver.
As you can imagine, fighting this disease was horrific for her... She could have died any second in our home. She had emergency surgery to remove the brain tumor and my step father's mom told me that it was my fault she got sick because I was too stressful to handle and I treated her badly.
Thus, my PTSD begins.
I'm so thankful for the years I had with her. She is the only person in my life who made me want to keep living. I had depression as a child/young adolescent, but when she got sick, I promised I wouldn't hurt myself anymore. I promise I would be strong. My grandmother and I took care of her and she was my whole life.
The more I have thought, the more I want to kill myself. I know people will tell me I have things to live for, I can make my life better, everything will be okay, I'm loved and cherished and I should think about my family and my friends. I should care more about the pain that I will cause my loved ones if I commit suicide than I should care about the pain I'm always living with.
A very big part of me wanted to live. I told my two closest friends that I planned my suicide for April 15th. They gave me the "you'll be okay" speech. I wanted someone to help me. The truth is, no one is going to.
As you can imagine, fighting this disease was horrific for her... She could have died any second in our home. She had emergency surgery to remove the brain tumor and my step father's mom told me that it was my fault she got sick because I was too stressful to handle and I treated her badly.
Thus, my PTSD begins.
I'm so thankful for the years I had with her. She is the only person in my life who made me want to keep living. I had depression as a child/young adolescent, but when she got sick, I promised I wouldn't hurt myself anymore. I promise I would be strong. My grandmother and I took care of her and she was my whole life.
The more I have thought, the more I want to kill myself. I know people will tell me I have things to live for, I can make my life better, everything will be okay, I'm loved and cherished and I should think about my family and my friends. I should care more about the pain that I will cause my loved ones if I commit suicide than I should care about the pain I'm always living with.
A very big part of me wanted to live. I told my two closest friends that I planned my suicide for April 15th. They gave me the "you'll be okay" speech. I wanted someone to help me. The truth is, no one is going to.
I meant to reply to your first comment earlier, Jewells.
I have to say I'm surprised that April is such a difficult month for what seems to be a lot of people I've been talking with. I hope that you can find some sort of peace in the hard times, too.
I'm really glad I talked about this here because I'm finding it difficult to be taken seriously by friends and family. I suppose they mean well but being passive isn't helping me whatsoever. I appreciate everyone's advice and sharing.
I really want to get through this.
That is exactly what happens when people who have no business in your life get involved. They only do further damage.
You did not say if you have a therapist or if you take medication? Is there a family doctor you trust and can go see? Friends don't always understand, I think it is something you have to personally experience to really understand it. They are just ignorant and don't know what to say to someone who is hurting as deeply as you are.
Still it is not excuse.
Now back to you and your current situation. Every situation is different but I too tried to end it all. Fortunately I realized what I was doing and took myself to the hospital for help. Yes, I took myself and if I could do it in the shape I was in I am more than certain you can too. I was so afraid, but I did it anyway. It turned out to be the best thing I ever did. I got my help, a place where I felt safe and my meds straightened out. It still gives me comfort to know that if things get bad I have a safe place. Not saying this is for you, but it might be work for you. I think the message is that there are options and life can be better with the right people in your corner. Sometimes you have to take a chance to get better. I believe in you and I just wanted to share what worked for me to give you an option to consider. I understand the pain can be overwhelming.
I would love to hear that you found some help and hear your recovery story here!
TS Eliot wrote that april is the cruellest month.
sorry, random moment, just know we ares till here!