Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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So not to get into anything too deep on here, but I was sexually abused when I was little and struggle greatly with that to this day. It isn't something I can talk about out loud really. I also have the burden of knowing that I "fooled around" with my also female cousins when we were children (7-10) and I feel responsible because I was the oldest by 9 months. I should have stopped everything, but I didn't. It's my fault. My cousins don't seem to care, but I feel so much hurt and anger over this. I just told my therapist about this over email yesterday and today she responded and told me that I was not at fault and that she cares deeply about me and wants to be sure I am safe and okay. Well I'm not. I want to die. I can't get all these things out of my head and I can never talk about them out loud. Typing them out is about the only way for me to get them out. I see what happened in my head all the time and I don't understand why I can't make them go away and stop. I don't really know what I want or need from anyone, but I just needed this all out.
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
Wow! You were a WHOLE 9 months older? An 10 year old is SO-O-O-O much more accountable than a 9 year old!!!
Acting out is a very natural child response, Flynnster. The child is not at fault for being a natural child response. Even without the abuse which gives a child more knowledge than they are ready to handle, 7 to 10 years old is a pretty typical age for the sexual curiosity to begin. Cousins are pretty handy partners to explore the curiosity with. I'm with your therapist on this one. You are not to blame.
Gentle support while you work through the confusion of it. Welcome aboard.
I have been where you are feeling responsible and that things were my fault too! I felt like my world was controlling me. Thoughts were whirling around in my head, I could not keep them from spinning out of control....! I thought I was going to go crazy! I thought this was the way my life was going to be the rest of my life! Then I learned something; "It was NOT my fault! I was NOT accountable for what happened!" The other person was a grown up, he made his own choice. He made the wrong choice that turned my world upside-down. I learned that I need to give myself permission to forgive myself. ( free myself from the guilt that I am NOT responsible for.) Now, that I had done that, I had also freed myself from the threats and little voices screaming out in my head. I could now scream out loud to myself and say; I am free, I do NOT have to listen to you anymore! Get out of my head, you are not welcome here anymore! I have given myself permission to forgive- you are gone!.... Then I wrote out a letter telling this person how awful I felt about him ( I throughout all my emotions and thoughts into this letter) then I told him how I feel sorry for this person because he had chosen an awful lifestyle and now he is stuck there. However, I am better than you now, I am choosing freedom over you. I forgive you for what you did to me! I am now free of your bondage. Then I signed it! I stuck it in an envelope and I sent my letter off to this person because I knew him and I felt it was the right thing for me to do. But, you can stuff in a drawer or a secret place or you can take it and watch it burn up! Do what you wish with that letter that will make you feel free from it!
I had to put positive family and friends into my life, I go to a non denominational church and get support from the pastors' sermon and Sunday school classes. I listen to positive uplifting music on the radio and listen to positive talk programs on the radio too. I keep busy by getting involved by helping other people and hold a job. Your therapist is right this is NOT your fault and you are NOT responsible for t his situation.
I hope this helps.