My chest got tight. My finger swiped up to deny the memory. My mind got blurry. I still feel anxious but I took a deep breath. An old counselor told me if I catch myself frozen, triggered, flooding like that, taking a deep breath will interupt the false connections my brain is using. Again, I still feel anxious. My breathing is hard to settle but I’m here. I’m present. I didn’t sit in that fear like I normally do. I’m okay, and after typing this whole post I scrolled back up to say that I fee even better after writing, just still a little on edge. It’s interesting to me that that worked and that I finally for the first time ever remembered to take a deep breath. Maybe it was easier because this was something I saw on Facebook rather than people in real life saying or doing something or smelling a certain way. 

This was from a picture of a kids birthday party happening at a bowling ally. Two things about bowling ally’s that happened when I was a kid. One I don’t really remember but I know whatever it is I pissed off my older brother royally because I beat him and won a huge trophy. I won it because my Uncle owned the bowling ally and he was being really super kind to his niece. The competition had literally been between four of us cousins. Two were his kids. There were bumpers. It was not a big deal, just fun. He gave us each a trophy but mine was as big as me at the time. Even years later my brother insisted that it was his. I remember him getting a trophy after me that was much smaller. I don’t remember why I upset him, just that I was sobbing and my Uncle was so kind to me. That trophy is a part of future upsets as well. But the other bowling ally incident was my 5th birthday party. The party itself was awesome. I absolutely loved it. Nothing bad happened but they gave me a T-shirt and a regulation size bowling pin. I thought that was really cool. Five years later I said no to my big brother and a few details later he threw this 2.5 object at me - chipping my tooth and shredding my lip. I needed nine stitches. Mom and I spent a ton of time in the ER explaining to docs what exactly had happened and that it was another kid, not an adult who’d hurt me. I don’t actually remember much about those conversations. I remember the doc making me laugh and telling me I was an awesome patient. So I hate thinking about my birthday party. My mom never let me have another party and even though it was four years prior it just gave me a negative association with parties. Even when I’ve done something for myself I haven’t told people it was my birthday. I married someone who didn’t care about birthdays and never really celebrated mine. I left him about a week before my birthday this year, telling him I was open to coming home. He didn’t even acknowledge the day. And I didn’t want to either. I’m looking forward to making sure my little ones always enjoy their big days. Girl has her big day next month. Theme Minnie Mouse. Restaurant Chick-fil-A. She’s going to love it! Daddy and his family members are invited. I hope they come.