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I am still processing the dual, in-law grief thread of the brother-in-law with whom I deeply bonded and the mother-in-law with whom I never really bonded. My beloved and I are agreed that I never met my mother-in-law; that the Huntington's Disease was already consuming her finer qualities by the time I met her 34 years ago. The fact that I was the target of her Huntington's Rages for more than a decade before I even knew, much less understood anything about the Huntington's makes the failure to bond understandable. It is possible her declarations of admiration for me were more than just Upper Middle Class hypocrisy. Still sorting on that one with very incomplete and tainted data to work with...
Weaving that data along the grief thread for the brother-in-law I was bonded with leads very quickly to the alcoholic sister who has also targeted me viciously during her alcoholic rages. Fear of being targeted again has paralyzed my dialing finger for allot of years. When I have seen her at family gatherings, I am fastidious about not being alone with her. I have still not found the courage to make the consolation call for the death of her husband. ALL my data of her progress is through the family grapevine.
We talk allot about our triggered states here. The dual grief thread has me contemplating what it means to be the target of someone else's triggered state. What are my responsibilities to the targets of my own triggered states?
Thoughts and reality checks welcome.
Weaving that data along the grief thread for the brother-in-law I was bonded with leads very quickly to the alcoholic sister who has also targeted me viciously during her alcoholic rages. Fear of being targeted again has paralyzed my dialing finger for allot of years. When I have seen her at family gatherings, I am fastidious about not being alone with her. I have still not found the courage to make the consolation call for the death of her husband. ALL my data of her progress is through the family grapevine.
We talk allot about our triggered states here. The dual grief thread has me contemplating what it means to be the target of someone else's triggered state. What are my responsibilities to the targets of my own triggered states?
Thoughts and reality checks welcome.
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
I am much more aware of triggered states now - my own and others - so when I am triggered I step back and try to not have a knee jerk reaction. And when others lash out at me when they are triggered I understand what is going on and try to help them understand that they were triggered (doesn't work for everyone though).
My feeling is that if a person is triggered and they become mean and hurtful then an apology is required. Even if I understand they were triggered, I expect an apology. Where things go from there depends on how my relationship is with this person in the first place. I have certainly dropped friends because they refuse to work on themselves and use their triggered state as an excuse for their awful behavior.
xx
In your sister's case, I would reach out from a safe distance. Maybe a card or letter. Even a phone call might be safe, as long as you can hang up at the first hint of abuse (provided you won't be rendered helpless with a "deer in the headlights" response).
Either way, in terms of your own mourning, there is much to be sad about here. Including all the things that happened, and all the things that never happened.
It be fear of my sister making the target of my own triggered state which paralyzes my finger when I think of dialing her number... Even after all the decades since she crawled into her bottle and stayed there, I still want my intuitive, kind and embracing "Big Little Sis" back... I know she's still in there...
Alas, there is some seriously ugly trauma which we experienced together ... The reasons she crawled into that bottle...
In that case, I would be prepared to cut the call short. I mean, you would want to let her know you are sorry about it, but she ought to know better than anyone that no one could have come out of the life you shared without some damage - no one but a saint, if such a thing exists. Beyond telling her you're sorry, if she keeps going on about it then it veers into abuse - she is interested in punishing you, not reconciliation. You can tell her you're sorry about it all, and you respect her feelings, but you called to express your condolences and are not in a position to listen to a long list of grievances, however justified they might be. "I truly regret what I've said or done, but those things came out of a history that you know very well, and there's nothing I can do about it now but say 'I'm sorry'. " "The things I did came out of a deep pain that you know very well, and it's more than I can do to sit here and accept punishment for it all, however well-deserved."
But... Holding my tongue through decades of watching my most beautiful and beloved sister flush herself down the alcoholic toilet has not been easy. It wouldn't take much to crack the toxic dam... I know my own triggered state...