Hey again!
Sorry the other group didn't work out.
From my hubby's POV? That come-here-go-away is hard, and we're 22 years into marriage, known each other... oh boy, 26 years next month.... and I wasn't dx'd till last year....

So in long distance? Where he can't be sure and you can't, either? The extra doubt is hellish for PTSDers. We're control freaks, a lot of us. Control is safety, after all. (Or so we delude ourselves, because what can we ever really control in life? Our own selves, and that's with work and patience and in my case some luck and meds.)....

I have no answers, but let him know you're trying to understand that he's in a place where his Threat Alert is always on Super-High, and remind both of you that you deserve to not be yanked around, okay? I already knew that with my hubby, so I can just warn him I'm in a come-here-go-away state, and he can just give me a hug and say, "OK, I'll go away," and naturally two seconds later I realize what I need is a shoulder to cry on, which is just my case.... but yeah... THat "need someone, can't trust anyone" is a big issue for a lot of people with PTSD, whatever its cause.

And maybe make a list of Why and Why Not to stay in the relationship. If it causes more pain and upset than security and love. THat kind of thing. YOu can love people who're damaged---as we all know, b/c no one gets out of life without some scars---but if they can't love or trust? The best thing sometimes is letting them go.

I don't say that lightly. I've had marital issues, etc., but... I see how hard this is on my hubby when we've had over 20 years together. In the same place. At the same time. So please, consider *your* wholeness and long-term wellness, okay?

Hugs,
Leo

Sorry that other group wasn't what you needed, but if quick response helps, here at DS PTSD we reply to each quickly and daily, which is really nice. Welcome back.

Huge hugs!! I am always apologizing to my hubby for actions that have no basis in reality. It takes the person with the PTSD to know that the other is there for them and if they can just recognize that, they can mitigate how hard it is on their spouse.

When I am acting nuts, my hubby tends to give me a hug, if I want it or not, and go on with life.

hugs an best wishes. Long distance relationships are hard. When hubby and I were living in two different states for almost a year, at first I thought hey, why am I in this relationship? That lasted about a week, then I vowed that I would never be without him as he is my smile and my love - that was just when I was six months after I got my PTSD.

yadlim

In an awful lot of ways, I am emotionally closer to and more open with my husband when we are physically distant from one another. The close physical proximity riles my fear of entrapment, whether there is logic to it, or not. PTSD is not a logical condition, which frustrates me no end since I believe I have a logical nature. However well I see how the yaddahs of my blahs are hurting my husband, I can't will them away for his benefit. Sharing it is much easier for me when he gets on with his life and lets me open up when I am ready.

Speaking strictly for myself, I have no problem with you coming here for support, PTLOVESD. We are all in the same boat. Let's act like it.

My advice is to let him know how his behavior is affecting you - in case he's so caught up in his own feelings he forgot about yours. And then try to work out between you the best way to handle the things that keep coming up. For instance, you could promise to let him know if you decide you want to see other people, so he'll know that if you haven't answered one of his texts it's NOT because of that. And then keep your promise! On his side, you could ask him to promise not to bug out about not getting an answer for at least 4 hours or whatever number is possible for him, and you could ask him to promise not to break up with you without talking about it first or whatever. Basically, agree to a code of conduct so that neither of you has to be afraid of being ambushed by bad news.

Thank you all for your kind words! I struggle to figure out what is best for myself and for him. I love and care for him very much and do not want to leave him, but this is proving to be more difficult than I realized. The interesting part is I work in mental health and so does he. In fact he counsels veterans with PTSD. We both know that recovery is a process that can be forever on going. I just feel sometimes that maybe he just isn't ready for what it takes to start the road to recovery. I continuously mention counseling to him and even say that I will also go to counseling myself so that he is not alone, but he has yet to budge. I just feel so torn and lost. I will say that he did come around this morning, I gave him his space last night and this morning he was fine. I guess in some ways I need to learn to let go a little.

Whatever the particulars of the individuals within a relationship, the relating always will be an ongoing challenge. If it was easy, divorce wouldn't be such a popular romance ending. Letting go really can be the surest way to hold on to love.

We're here for you, PTLOVESD, whichever way your romance resolves.