I know my monsters, who did what, and what it did to me. Support group sounds good. Church sounds good. Yes, I think being alone so much can affect you. Just make you feel bad, make your head twirl. I am sending good and healing thoughts, Arfie. I don't know what happened, but you will find out. I know. Much caring and many warm hugs.

For me, isolation amplifies my lack of self-esteem and my sense that I have no control--- even if all I do is nod and say hi to a neighbor as we pass on a path, it's *something* to remind me of connections.

Healing hopeful vibes, and I agree, how we got th edirt is not as important sometimes as washing it clean. ...

If it helps, imagine my great aunt, in her plain cotton dress and her sturdy old shoes circa 1960, and her hat, and her old Sunday gloves, and her home perm under it all, cupping her hand around the comb while the bees just sort of swirl and hum after her without a care in the world.... knowing themselves as safe as I hope you feel, as unconcerned by the tomorrows as I hope you are able to feel, and only mildly confused by this odd large creature who is for some reason in their midst...

I'm sorry you're caught in "thought loops." In know what they're like, and I'm like you, I look for a reason but chase my tail trying to find it.

Frustrating. It was insightful when you wrote " I have spent more hours talking to the imaginary him in my head than I have spent listening to him." That's true of the unsavory characters in my life, too. They provide 10% of the material, then my imagination supplies the other 90%. They get to take up more space in my head than they deserve.

It sounds like going to the live support group meeting and going to church are good ideas until the answer presents itself. It will, but only in its own time in things like this. Meanwhile, you got more support established, and that's never a bad thing.

In my finest space cadet form, I missed that mass was going to be an hour later because our priest is in Nigeria for relatives stricken by the ebola epidemic. Our deacon is performing the Wednesday mass in his absence and doesn't get out of his paying gig in time.

I ended up using the extra hour to help clean up around the church and it turned into a super medicinal social exchange.

Did the Lone Wolf really us a first person plural pronoun in that first paragraph? Is that an allergy attack I feel coming on?

I believe that's a first person plural possessive no less. Hmmm.... and kudos to you:-) Well done on the "medicine"!

Well done, I would have probably painted the ceiling some goth depiction of the crusade.
Isolation is a biggie, we need it at times to sort, uninterrupted. But it is habit forming.

Oh yes those negative thoughts and reoccurring self beatings do work to destroy self esteem and confidence. It seems to be a very hard battle to catch yourself and replace those negatives with positives. I just had this conversation with my trauma specialist today. She tells me I have to stop pushing stuff down and start to accept reality. The reality I have to break down the negative and examine it. For example I am a loser, No, I am a capable person who is sick at the moment and I will get well. Why is this so hard for us? Saying positive things about yourselves is like hell freezing over. It is so hard.

As for isolation, well that is another negative. You need to break it down, pros and cons may? What is good about it what is bad. Make a list of things you can do. My trauma specialist helped me make a list today to help get me out of the house, go to the mall, go to the library, go to a book store where you can get a coffee and read, go to a friends, go to my mom's, take the dog for a walk, driving in the country. etc. I was surprised how many things I could do that were not overly threatening to me.

Hugs

I sometimes have negative thoughts about people; I really can't stand bigoted and racist people.
I've found blowing steam by writing about it or talking to someone is a healthy way to let go.