I did go to that birthday/new year's party. It could've gone worse, but I think it was too much too soon. My grounding techniques worked fairly well, considering the circumstances, but there's only so much one can expect from them when faced with several hours of constant exposure to bad triggers.

I decided to treat this as an experiment, find out which grounding techniques work best for which situations and test my limits. Conclusion: It worked better than I feared, but this was just too much and now I'm paying the price.

I managed to prevent having a full/major flashback, but I did have some close calls and many smaller ones, pretty much the entire night. Put on layers of my masks, so no one noticed. I should've asked my friends (the two whom I've told about these issues) for help, but I couldn't bring myself to ask. Asking for help takes strength I couldn't spare, I was already in a too fragile state.

Slipped into dissociation at around 1am GMT, haven't come out of it yet.

I didn't sleep. I'm physically and emotionally drained, but my mind's wide awake, my senses are as keyed up as they go. I feel like although I can control it, my body doesn't belong to me and I am just an outside observer. The world doesn't feel tangible, like I'm dreaming.

I hate feeling this way but at the same time I can't find the energy to care. I just want to curl up in a safe, dark place and sleep.

It'll go away in a few hours, tomorrow at most, just have to ride it out until then. I'm sooo tired...

Although it went as well as I could expect, I've overdone it. I knew that before I went there but I ignored it. Not the first time I've done so and probably not the last. But I'll be alright. In the end, I always am.

Thanks for listening.