I learned a lot this week.

Had a trigger I couldn’t recognize. Those always bug me. It seems like I always know when it’s something I can figure out. Nothing seemed triggering but I was consumed with anxiety and instantly had trouble breathing. I used my voice and recovered much more quickly then I would have this time last year. Talking in the moment really helps. Sometimes for me it means there’s clean up to do because the word I get out is hardly a word or it’s a surprising one but it helps.

I think my biggest trigger these last few years has been feeling trapped, like there is no good option, no good thing to say, no right decision. Often being in those situations had me feeling suicidal. 

I don’t see black and white anymore. When I catch myself thinking that way I try to think outside the lines because I know nothing is that black and white.  Sometimes I need someone to remind me though and I did need that this week. 

I called a friend who brought me back down to earth and told me to think about what I can control....ask questions that were on my mind and formulate a plan for some of the what if’s.

I’m a Christian though. I have some questions that aren’t answerable. And I’ve settled to remember that sometimes God gives us direction before he answers our questions. Taking a step of obedience, He has always been faithful. I can see that I needed to bring everything to light the week I left. It took me five months and that’s why I didn’t have my next steps. We are moving soon. I have to finish a background screening and then I’ll get my move in date. Choosing a daycare is no joke. 

One of the kids has a birthday next week. Not sure if Daddy will be there or not. I hope so. He posted something on the Facebook party invite page asking if this would count for supervised visitations. I deleted it very early in the morning but I have to wonder if people saw. Lots of people responded that they were not going to make it that day. 

He could see them right now. He’s choosing not to and saying I’m keeping them from him. 

Hes saying a lot and it’s clear that he’s going to use my diagnosis in the proceedings if he even shows up.... with all this talk it would be so like him to just do nothing. He’s been very intimidating and it’s affected me but not nearly as much as it would have six months ago. I’m okay. I’ve made it through an insanely difficult week. My daughter had a terrible reaction to something that kept me up from midnight to 10PM one day this week. I didn’t miss a beat this week even though it was insanely heavy. I’m thankful for my savior. I’m thankful to be a believer. I could not have done this week without Christ, my scriptures and my friends who’ve been showering me with prayer. But I’m also thankful for you. Despite all their love, despite all the check ins and the hugs and the conversations, they are not the people I can relate to. They are not the people I can dump all these details on. That is you. I am so so thankful God gave me you. 

I will be moving much closer to work, much closer to church and my counselor remarkably works one day a week in the big city. She’s four days out here, one day out there and her office is halfway between work and home. We start EMDR next week. I’ve done it before but it’s been years. Over a decade. 

Ill let you know how the birthday goes.

As good as this is, it feels overwhelming.