***sits with tissues***

I, too, find it difficult to cry, ever. I often envy those who cry easily. It does look very cathartic.

Alas, the absence of easy tears doesn't seem to mean I don't feel the pain as acutely as my easy cry friends.

Gentle support while you find your release, Marah.

Me, too, Marah, my not crying was great for me professionally as a hospital chaplain in my Chicago's hospital's ER when I worked there. But I could use use a good cry in my personal life for sure.

Mara, I stopped crying when I entered my teen years, and stayed that way for decades. At a given point, the tears came in spite of my fear that if I let them start, they would never end. Today, I can separate my professional self from my private self. Melt downs are now OK, which seems to have helped my mental health. Comforting hugs.

Thanks again to all of you. I cried a little today, enjoyed some personal time with God. I’m amazed at how much of a difference a spiritual life makes. And then I came home to journal on the few songs that touched me today, and the words someone said and to write down things I’ve done well lately bc my confidence is so low. And then I saw something on Facebook, encouraging people to vote. It’s a song about why it’s not a hard time for men right now.....my soon to be ex husband liked it and word for word I’ve said to him some of the things in the song and he liked it. It just threw me over the edge. How can he say he supports what the song is saying while he’s the problem she’s written about!??? I vented to my friend and accountabiliTy partner who said something I’ve never heard before...
TW
Sometimes I didn’t have a choice because he was so big and it didn’t matter what I did, we were going to have sex. Sometimes I resisted and said no for more than twenty minutes, physically trying to get away from him and what did I choose to do rather than keep fighting a losing fight? I complied....it was my choice but no matter what counselors say I believe I made the best choice possible in those moments. Sometimes we had very consensual sex. Sometimes I was quick and slick enough to get away from him when I wasn’t in the mood or when I was sick/in pain. A lot of times I wasn’t. She said either way she needed to suggest that I didn’t have a choice period because of how he’d conditioned me. We were together for a LONG time and he absolutely used my past against me. Either way, I don’t have to carry this shame but I’m carrying it. Even if I never see it clearly, I know it was a perfect storm for confusion at the very least and that’s not shame I need to carry. I didn’t create my past. I worked through a lot of it and got stuck believing I’d plateaued and needed to learn to live despite my past. I’m reading this great book right now. It’s triggering and it’s hard to read but check out this quote about courage, “It refuses to say that the damage of abuse is irrevocable and all we can do is learn to live with it.” So yes, I am at a point where I believe I can do more than learn to live with it. I don’t know how but I know the future is brighter than this and so much brighter than my past.