I woke up irritable, did my morning thing, had my daughter go back to bed bc 5am is too early for her and then I read my scriptures which made me think of the glorified shelter I lived in for eleven months.

 I needed space, privacy and time to get my head on straight after the gaslighting and abuse and I couldn't do that living with my parents who'd neglected me and belittled the abuse I endured under their roof. I'm not sure I can say they're abusive but they let a lot of horrible things happen to me and their response was scary at times, and hurtful. Living with them was too much. I wasn't growing or healing but getting worse.

so the shelter. It's a childrens home with a single moms program. I had to maintain at least 30 hours of work a week and submit 25% of my paycheck for savings each week. I had to maintain a clean living space including my own fridge out in the common areas. I had weekly chores. My living space was a tiny one bedroom one bath two closet hole in the wall. Maybe 10x10 for the bedroom. I shared it with my two year old. I was kind and respectful of others even when they weren't of me. We shared an enormous house. The common areas were beautiful but the atmosphere was toxic. One mom didn't keep watch over her kids who thought it was a good idea to put the chain lock on the door but didn't make sure the other moms were home yet. I never had an issue but one mom often broke curfew and woke the rest of us up in a terror at 2 or 3 am. 

The director was flat out rude. She called me aggressive when I was being assertive. I have a severe allergy to something the other moms were cleaning with and came home from the hospital due to asthma issues only to have an asthma attack upon entering the house. I politely asked them if they could use different cleaner and each of them refused, even when I offered to pay for new supplies. The director would not intervene despite my clear breathing issues. The director also gaslit me. She did the same to all of us. I never knew what to expect or what she meant bc everything changed and she'd say she told us one thing but actually hadn't or hadn't been clear and asking questions just pissed her off. Her boss questioned my diagnosis of ptsd. It was a hard place to live, especially considering the communal living and all the yelling from the other moms. 
My two year old loved it bc our neighbor had kids her age and she misses it. When I think about it my chest is tight and it's hard to breathe. I don't know how to cope with that season. I thought of it this morning reading scripture about serving others and helping those with no home. The place was very good to me but also very traumatic and difficult. I haven't had a more difficult season in my life. And I'm not sure I'm going to let go of the feelings associated with it today. I can't shake it. It's sticking with me at least for now so I wanted to talk about it. Thank you to anyone who's read this long post. 

im about to wake my kiddo back up and dress her up for dress like your favorite book character day and today is my day at the treatment center. I haven't been eating much at all and I have no desire to. Maybe that will change. It will certainly make lunch hard. I eat a monitored lunch with them and I supplement if I don't eat it. Y'all wish me luck!