On my father's side, generations of people with untreated PTSD are employees, not business owners. They're a wreck, with multiple divorces, drug rehabs, much unhappiness.

On my mother's side, generations of people with untreated PTSD are business owners, not employees. They're a wreck, with multiple divorces, drug rehabs, much unhappiness.

Money matters, only a fool would say it doesn't. So sorry about the debt you're incurring trying to help your sons. But it doesn't seem to determine a positive outcome for families. Facing PTSD issues in therapy and support groups does.

You do that every day, and I'd say you're richer in a currency that Daddy Oil Bucks will never know, moments of peace with yourself. They come and go because life goes on every time we come to an understanding of it. But once you have such a moment you know it's more precious than anything money can buy.

Just my 2 cents. I could be wrong.

Yes, muji. The family breakdown does seem to be the great class equalizer in our contemporary world. Repairing these family breakdowns is the haunting refrain that keeps hubby and I accumulating debt and enduring f-bomer abuses rather than discouraging our adult sons from coming to us with their problems.

Don't accuse us of certainty. We clothe every step in prayer...

There I go with that first person plural again...

Reality checks?
1) if the "family" assets are in his name as owner, not as trustee, he has that power to liquidate to meet his needs( also that of his wife's needs). If they are funds and assets he accrued in his lifetime, then there is no requirement to leave any in "inheritance"to his offspring If he is "trustee" of inherited assets from generational assets, then a review of the property and accounts can be requested. Though look out for stipulations that are generalized as family and reasonable exceptions to the use of funds. My brother inserted his children for his sibs, since the wording was just general enough.

A major illness or long-term care, usually falls within those boundaries ( his legal wife). Also to get assistance for her when the cost of care is no longer available (I think you mentioned the quality of care he provides,as being at a high standard) That costs a high price tag. So he may have to liquidate and use all funds to within a $ limit of assets in his name, $2000, single person, before the social security will help in paying for care in facilities, then family that want a higher level of care must pay the difference, or patient goes to ones that are with in limits of the states resources for it. He would still be allowed his (could be a mansion) and a car, (Ferrari even, if it's his only vehicle). But all else would have to have been exhausted. So he has to use his assets first that are not protected by trust accounts with him as a beneficiary with in the owners. Those would need to be dispersed or his portion fairly bought by the remaining owner, inheritors.. Each state is different on rules, but most are similar to federal guidelines. So a lot matters if he is living beyond his means and providing high level care as you have mentioned before and his liquid assets are dwindling. Selling is definitely more advantageous monetarily than auctioning. Since that often end in a pennies on the dollar value.

I wrote about three paragraphs, changed my mind. And you can kick my lion tail if you want, b/c it's not a nice reply. And I stick a TW on it b/c my fam is not always a nice bunch.

I'm sorry if this is bitchy, but the truth is, I saw my dad's family tear each other apart---and ignore a fuc*ing *murder*---because seeing their sis go down for murder meant they didn't have a chance of suing her for every penny they could get from an estate she was left as sole trustee of. Not one fuc*ing care for the homicide, it was all about getting a share of the $$.... which, admittedly, she blew on anything and everything but what it was designated for, but as trustee, hey, she could decide that, and the legal language wasn't specific enough, and there we are. My uncle is dead, she killed him, they refused to present evidence or cooperate with cops, so they could get a chance at some bucks.

And there's more to it than the homicide and suit0----there's selling off land that was in our family since 1748--- selling off where our dead lie, for GOd's sake---sos some a-holes could have McMansions with a view. (And since the land was left to all my grandfather's heirs, me included, they only needed majority vote, but we who didn't vote yes didn't see a dime, and strangely, we don't care....)

Money and family? Can make Toxic turn into Dangerously Toxic. My aunt killed her own brother over $$. Her sibs and some of my cousins? Didn't cooperate with cops so they'd have a chance at a few bucks.

Dunno if that's any help as a reality check, but welcome to my gene pool. Bring a bottle of chlorine, it oculd use a cleaning.

Anger issues much? Yes, Yes I do have them.

Of course, Karma did its thing. In the suit, it came out she'd blown the whole estate trust --- 500K that my gramps had to work till he was 89 to save ---on bullsh*t, and the only reason my uncle lived so long? She could get 1500 a month from the state for taking care of him. Yeah. She did. He died of malnutrition, dehydration, and non-prescribed drugs in his system to keep him quiet, and that's the "clean" version of what it came down to. So.... she did get away with murder, but they sure as shi* didn't get a dime. Lotta debt from lawyer bills, tho'.

Reality check? No idea. But like I said--- welcome to my gene pool. Swim at your own risk.
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So is it that the money issue is a flashpoint, a convenient something to point at as proof "he sucks"? Or is it that you hold Views and he holds Views, and the two sets of Views don't agree? Or do you feel there's some "entitlement" to what he's selling off? Because, sadly, if it's in his name (and his name only).... that's his business, no mater what his family thinks.

Soft supportive vibes. Family and money. Lethal.

For the family, HIS money is nothing more than his favorite weapon of belittlement and destruction. It is hard to admire what it has done to him or to wish it for ourselves.

The mother isolated and guarded in the back room is another story. How far we can or want to harden our hearts toward the fall is another. Whether my husband will still have a family at the end of this is yet another.

No, jewells, the FIL is not a trustee. Neither financially, nor emotionally.

When my husband and I first got together, he wanted me to teach him how to bury his family the way I had buried mine. I couldn't. I wouldn't. The sucking black holes it left all over my life are a very high price to pay.

Perhaps my faith is shaken to the point where I am rethinking that position.

If I could, I would bury all family outside hubby, me, and usually my daughter - though this week she is pushing my buttons. We have cut ties to all but mom-in-law for good or for bad.

I can't form any more words today....

hugs

Some people are just too toxic to engage with.

Maybe Daddy oil bucks is one of them?

Yes, I mostly think Daddy Oil Bucks is simply too toxic engage with. Personally, I seldom do.

He is not the only character in this story. There is also his son who is my beloved husband. My sons who want to have grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Tears for the grandmother who languishes in the back room.

Most of this story is not about me... Just trying to balance my contribution to it.

I have two sides of family. My mom's is generally good, if a little emotionally detached. My father's is basically nothing more than trash for the most part, at least his immediate family. They are toxic. After my father went to prison for what he did, I completely cut ties with all of my father's family, even the extended family I liked. It was just not a good relationship for me. So I haven't talked to any of them in about 4 years. I don't know if you would be willing to do that...but if I felt the relationship was damaging without adding anything good to my life I would cut that person out of my life completely. Some people have trouble doing that, but I feel absolutely no guilt. You have to look after yourself, and those you care about first. You don't need any added worry to your life. I hope you figure it out and gain some peace this week. Much love and support.

I did cut ties with my own birth family, starting in 1970 when I first ran away to the streets of Detroit. Sorta. Like metastasized cancer, they keep popping up. The heartstrings where family is supposed to be continue to itch and infect to this day.

Not all the way sure this is any more than another one of those infections. My flight instincts remain my most developed trait.

I am sorry that you had to experience that. I am somewhat lucky in that I still have a really good relationship with my mother and brother, so maybe that made it easier. Also something someone said to me in support group when I was feeling guilty for putting my father in prison---Your biological family is just that, biology. You do not have to have a relationship with them apart from acknowledging that they gave birth to you. The family that matters, the family you keep, is the people in your life that stand with you when everyone else falls away. The people whether by blood, ties of friendship, or religion or whatever that support you as you are. Those are the people you owe your loyalty to."
That helped me a lot and made me easy with my decision to turn my back on 40 odd people.

I apologize for my earlier answer, Arfie, coming out of my own snarly place on that one.... Apologies again. I wasn't trying to invalidate *your* situation or feelings--- just saying from my POV--- it's hard when loved ones (or even liked ones) are in harm's way and we're helpless or seem to be...

Apologies again.

okay afie, this does run deep and is ever complicated by the feelings that don't fully recede. Gentle hugs and my heart. This is going to hurt no matter what is said or done.

First of all, I am so sorry you are having to deal with your family of origin, especially now, with end of life and money issues. Absolutely the worst combo.

I read your post because it something I am dealing with but not dealing with. I have been completely cut off from my family both financially (they made me sell my house that they promised me and I was making mortgage payments on this January), emotionally, physically. All because of their greed. The money games were becoming so toxic to me as my mother would pull the strings and threaten to sell after several serious health events. They helped me for a year and treated it as if it was a lifetime. I almost died of a literal heart attack because of it and the friends and my aunt that stood by me told me I HAD to get out or I would die because I was becoming more ill. I hate being cut-off, insert black hole sucking sound....yes, it's completely devastating, but I have to remind myself of that old adage, "Rejection is God's Protection" and in my case, however painful, I think it is true.

You have deep wounds it sounds like, I have deep wounds that involve physical abuse growing up that I believe, get re-traumatized every time you have to deal with them. Imagine a young woman, at age 47 getting heart disease so bad that she has to go into treatment for a machine that pumps my heart for me. That's f'd up and it says something.

If you need to deal with him, maybe I could suggest going through his financial advisor or attorney to determine who has power of attorney for both medical and financial issues?? A lot of times, these secrets stay buried until the parent dies, but if it could be delicately brought up, it would be helpful to understand what where how everything is placed. I'm not really sure what you are saying about the situation in that if you need to tap into his money to pay his bills and if he is TELLING you it's your responsibility then you need to TELL him, I need to know who the trustee is/p.o.a. people are etc. That's a delicate situation/conversation to bring up, so put a professional between the two of you as a guard. I am just now working through this with some clients (I am on the financial management side of things) and I realize I should have gotten a copy of their trust document when I first started working with the mom as it would have been so much easier for the kids now. Unfortunately it's after the fact and we are having to piece things together with the attorney. My own adoptive parents hid the fact for years that my brother was the trustee (he is not adopted) and it's par for the course. I don't expect anything in the way of inheritance and it's sad, but like Muji says, I think sanity might be more important (until you run out of money, ha!).

Good luck, Godspeed and Blessings to you for taking care of your own children without the same toxic belief system being put on them.