In marriage, i absolutely believe a smile and a laugh are key to forgiveness... i suspect it is key in many situations, where both parties wish to heal the wound and make a stronger or "better" relationship...

I can laugh about and at some of my pain memories, but for me, it takes two for that to work as a definition of forgiveness.... curing the anger with joy....

In trying to forgive abusers? Well, mine are dead and unlikely to have tried. That said, i am trying to find even the morbid humor in a few of the absurd aspects of my early life, because it is to me quite honestly comical to look back and see it from "outside" the pain ... I mean, it is just that "out there".

Sorry to ramble.

Hubby and i have frequently healed with laighter. best medicine ever, if you can get it!

Sounds like you focused on the camaraderie of your shared suffering over the blow out rather than the particulars of the incident. What an improvement!

Once you realize you're on the same team instead of competing for power, or the moral high ground, or whatever it is, it only makes sense to forgive your partner, because odds are you're going to need him to forgive you too. And there's no reason not to when it feels so much better to share the relief than be engaged in a battle that can't be won - except that it takes inner strength, trust and a lot of good faith to be able to make that transition. Congrats - I hope the cease fire holds!

I sooo love that saying about going to church didn't make them christians any more than going to the garage makes one a car. Awesome. Perfect. Toatlly love it.

It is all a process. Magic wands work best for Halloween costumes. Personally, I don't believe the "offending parties" need to be present, or even aware.

An example of that one that recently received its first smile from me was from an incident I experienced in 2007 when I was crossing the border between Ecuador and Peru in a horrible state of mind. Unbalanced emotions attract human sharks like blood in the ocean current. I was attacked by border sharks and it was a genuinely horrible experience. By the end of it, I had $200 worth of counterfeit Peruvian soles in my pocket and a feeling of shell shock. I ended up in a hotel, so paralyzed by fear that I was not even able to open the door to find food and water. You do not want to drink tap water in Peru.

By working the forgiveness process, I was able to forgive the Peruvian people far enough to get myself out the door and trust the merchants and vendors. It remained a painful memory for a very long time. I am still not going to hunt down the border sharks and invite them to dinner, but I can think now think about Tumbes, Peru -where the hotel was - with a smile. There were some very kind folks there who even helped me get through it. Huaquillas - where the attack happened - may take a while longer, but I'm getting there. Has it really been 7 years already???

The point being that in my mind, forgiveness is about my own, personal peace of mind. Life is often richer when shared, but enjoying my own company and memories is rich, also. Can't enjoy my own company much when my companion is filled with bitterness and resentment.

Babble, babble...

I admire your work in your marriage, how you apply readings from "Courage to Change" and arfie common sense so well.

Speaking of which, you should write a book of your arfie-isms, arf! I was drinking apple juice and you made me snort it through my nose laughing at your line "going to Church does not make you Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a car."

Ha! So true.

Much support to you as you forgive self and loved ones in these weeks.

Arfie, thank you for reminding me the forgiveness isn't about the other person but about me. I tend to get tangled on that one still. I try hard not to, but I suspect it's like knitting. The harder I try, the more I fail.

So glad you're able to smile as you look back.

Gentle Lioness, Among the things that I continually need forgive myself for is being responsive to the world I live in. "Forgiveness" really is the new F-word. When I speak the word in a contemporary social gathering I hear only the extremes. Dogmatic spoutations, be they from the pro or anti religion sets. The dialogues turn even more rabid than when I dared to quote Lenny Bruce back in the 60's. Both extremes seem to be wearing Judge's robes and banging judicial gavels. Pick your political party?

Some days I believe I do not need to forgive myself for being responsive to the world I live in. Only aware of what I choose to do with the data.

Once - just once in my 55 years - I was reading a book about zen enlightenment experiences, and the spirit of it kind of infected me for a while, and I was able to watch the political arguments on both sides of the spectrum as if watching an endearing species of creatures carrying on doing their natural activities. That was quite a nice break from my usual moral outrage and frustration. You sound a lot closer to that mindset than I'll ever be (unless maybe I pick up that book again or - God forbid - start meditating for my remaining years!)

Lovely insight, donna!!! Thank you!!!

No, I don't know that I am all that near the mindset of being able to watch it as anything endearing. So far, it only triggers my flight instinct. I've gotten to where I can leave the room at a casual pace. Does hearing it as barnyard cackle bring me close? Cartoon chickens, mules and pigs in judicial wigs and robes?

Sigh...

Oh-h-h-hm???

You can never go wrong when you have a heart full of forgiveness and a sense of humor, can you? Thanks for the inspiration today. All the best to you and your husband.
HappySeeker