I get you. I've so many scars of so many people that chose to hurt me forever. I've come some many miles from some of it, but I know I've thousands of miles plus to go.
I too respect people. It's sad that we can't forgive ourselves though, isn't it. Well, that's what support groups and their members/friends are for ~ you have to forgive yourself. Know why? It was never your fault.

Umm, it's not moral to assault someone, for any reason, no matter how provoked, ever. Personal accountability?

thank you patti22. It's hard not to feel I "deserved" it sometimes

Yeah, we do blame ourselves or think we "earned" it b/c we didn't somehow magically figure out everything everyone around us needed/wanted/thought/etc. Oh boy.... But as was said above, ease up on yourself, okay? There's a part of me that long sought a "sister" in lieu of my late sister who was an abuser. It took me a lon gtime to even realize I was doing that, trying to find a "safe" big sister.... And always, it turned out, trying to "fix the past" with people who were way too like my sister. Once I realized what I was trying to "fix" or "replace"? Bingo. It was me seeking my late sister's love, from people like her, who ren't her, and being like her, aren't the kind who are truly loving anyway, b/c of their own damaged selves....
All of which is to say, your crushes may be a bit of that? Worth a thought.
Also, I don't care what denomination someone claims to be, from what religious tradition. if they're cruel, they're wrong. Done. "Moral" is what a lot of people decide they are as a reason to beat up other people. "Bible Belt" to me equals "Use hte bible to excuse using the belt". That's just my personal rant, btw. I've run into it with people of all varieties, all religions I've encountered so far.
Ramble on. We're here to listen and provide feedback and support:-)

Forgiving oneself can be difficult, but remember that God forgives you and wants you to let go of guilt and shame. There would be no point in Jesus dying for us if we still feel condemned.

Ummm, I guess we should all listen to LivingWater on that one then, shouldn't we?

Thank you for replies! So anxious tonight.

A lady stopped me while I was walking my dogs and just said my mother's name. She said she knew her in her old city, but really seemed to be fishing for information.

I sent my uncle's mug shot to "Jack" on social media right after a nightmare at 4 in the morning in February.

It sounds like something the dance studio would do, to be sneaky and judgemental. I don't know for sure..

But, on the other hand, my brother is losing it and won't get help that he needs. Maybe someone looking into my uncle and mother could change that. But I hope they leave me and my family alone.

Self-forgiveness is a toughie for me, too. That feeling that I deserved it is the thread which seems to keep yanking my attempts at self-forgiveness into unpredictable shapes. Is it odd that the times I really, clearly did deserve the consequences are the easiest to forgive myself for? I make amends and move on. Idiocy happens in the smartest of lives.

The ones where I am not sure what happened, much less clear on where to point my hoary blamefinger. . . Ouch. . . Anybody know where I can buy an Ounce of Clarity? Is there an app for that?

Continued support while you sort your own, ds.

Thank you Arfie.