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I don't want to be the type who gets triggered with calander days. I've written off November years ago, when a family friend died. Then another loved one, my favourite grandma. Then a friend to a car crash. Most importantly my dad. All these people died or had funerals days before my birthday. I hate my birthday because all I know is sadness and all everyone I care about knows is sadness.
Ive noticed this year is the first year that dates have bothered me all year round. Maybe because it's the firsts since the big kahuna of losses happened? This was the first year I didn't have the distraction of my dads bday when mourning the biggest mistake of my life. I got an abortion on my dads birthday when I was 17. I wanted the baby but can honestly say I had not one soul in my corner for support so I murdered my own flesh and blood because I was too weak to do it alone. Each holiday is like a burning dagger in guts and throw family estrangement and resentments on it and I'm kinda losing it here.
I don't trust anyone in the real world with my stuff. I'm doing well putting on a happy facade but alone I just bawl, full of anxiety. I'm forgetful, then feel like a bad person for forgetting to do special things with my kids. Last November I slept through my sons parent teacher interviews and didn't reschedule. I've missed appointments already this month because the only dates in my memory are nov 5th and 20th, 22nd, 18th, 24th and 25th. How do I get off this anniversary train? All I want to do is crawl under the covers and wake up in January after Xmas. I hate being this pitiful, I can normally fake it until I make it, even in my own thoughts. Now I'm this useless walking shell of myself. It's hard to make meals and to clean. Even to shower is a huge chore. All the shows and movies I liked now trigger me. It's like every bad thing that's ever happened is replaying in my head nonstop because of the things I watch or when talking to friends it's so easy to zone out and not hear a word they say.
i know im feeling sorry for myself and I want to stop right now. I don't know how. I can't even bring myself to go to counselling because face to face is more than I can handle.
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Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
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My day...today...misplaced my debit card...didn't realize it until I got to the register after shopping to a full cart. Used a different debit card and pulled apart everything looking for missing debit card before I left parking lot. Got home, dropped keys. So now I have a missing debit card, missing keys. A full cartload to unload and put away. I got everything put away.Dumped purse for a...
In my own particular case, I handle anniversary syndrome by planning on it and laying in extra program measures. Not a time when I let myself skip counseling or allowing myself to isolate. Before I grew my awareness of it, anniversary syndrome was kicking my ass while I was busy looking elsewhere. Or. . . And? ? ? Maybe I'm just one of *those people.*
Continued support while you figure your own, Jenny. Hope healing happens here.
I regret that you feel your abortion was murdering your own flesh and blood. That's a pretty harsh and unforgiving assessment.
I got a vasectomy so I would never cause any abortion again. Never to have kids was, as donnawanda says, a harsh and unforgiving assessment for me just as it is for you. We're not bad people, neither of us.
Try to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself if you can. We here know you are a good person now you've got to believe it. X