Yes, Cecil, it is okay to cry, good AND bad.

Keep us posted. Share the load. Sorry the pain is there, but I am glad to hear you are feeling it. Healing happens.

yes it's okay. I had my own meltdown, 23rd itis, day 2.

It was the shortest cry ever. I can can sob like a baby when i watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. It was good though. It wasn't mixed with rage or shame. Just grief.
Jewells....I see yours was not so good. It is officially the 23rd now. Sending you healing, peaceful thoughts.

Time for sleep...peacefully.

i think it's ok too. i think it's cleansing, and i feel sorry for `macho tough' people who think there's anything wrong with a good cry.

i'm sorry for both of your losses. it hurts to think such awful things have happened to such nice people. :(

It is OK to cry, especially during grief. Sorry for your loss. I think you could be healing well just by what you said. The questions may be left unanswered but there is a time to let them go. I would write them down and then read them out loud and burn them symbolizing letting them go. It is black and white, you can move on and still cherish thosemmemories, I am hoping there good ones. Its OK to love and not have to let that go but maybe just keeping it in your heart, but allow yourself to move on. Many hugs to you and hope you are doing OK.

Tears can be healthy, yes it's ok... part of the healing process... part of our healing journey.

Thanks for sharing Cecil..

I posted here last night that we covered infant death in my Death and Dying class last night. I had a baby die in my arms in 2010, and I didn't get through the night without crying in front of my own students. It was ok, though. I think it means you're not dissociating and numb when you cry about things worth crying over. I'm sorry for how sad you feel, but I think it might be healing grief work. It was for me last night.

The big meltdown came today.

Driving into work. I started my car and put my ipod on. The first song it was playing triggered me. I choked it back and pulled out of the lot. I noticed my gas tank was empty so I stopped at the station down the street.

I was beginning to sob again but pushed it down again. I was so flustered I pushed all the wrong buttons and couldn't get gas.I went to leave and the man behind me stopped me because i left my gas tank open. He offered to help me pump the gas I declined. I went to another pump and started over.

Back on the road ...the tears were just coming in waves. Big heaving sobs. After the fourth bout I finally pulled over and called off work. I went home , grabbed my camera and first went to the lake then my dad's place. Bursting into big wet slobbery tears every so often. I took 113 photos, I am exhausted. I lost one contact lens from crying so hard. Mascara is a mess.

I think it was a good cry. I let go of all I was holding onto. I let him go. I let the anger go. I admitted I love him, I miss him and it hurts.

I'm still teary but the soul rending sobs seem to be finished.

Thank you guys for being here. I know it might not be a PTSD topic but I am thankful I can come here with it.

Sounds like a lot of grief washed over you. Sounds like it was cleansing and good that you gave time for taking off time for work, taking photos. Down the road, if you wish to reflect on it, any idea why now on the 7th anniversary? Was it because you felt supported enough to get the grief out, or was it some trigger that hadnt occurred previously? Keep us posted. Youre not alone in feeling your way through this.

For someone you love, it takes years to get used to them not being in our space and life. I did this with my Mom, grieved for a while, thought I was fine, but I was numb, then broke down crying some years later. It wasn't all out. It was as much as I could handle at the time, but there was more inside to come out. I believe this is one of those times. I send my sympathy for your loss, and I send good thoughts for your recovery. Hug.

Muji....it was a complicated death. We had been having a rough spot. We had worked through it and things were on an upswing. In the weeks following his death I found out some very painful things. For the next year or so I acted out in some bad ways and was taken advantage of. Much of it is in my journal entry for 7/22 titled "please Read". You don't have to read it but the back story is just too long to put here.

Anyway.....regarding my husbands death...I was hurt and angry. It just built. I tried bereavement groups but the other widows seemed to idolize their late husbands' and there I was spitting hatred and venom. I felt like an outcast. I lost my faith in god ( and that was like losing another love...a loss that I still haven't recovered from) ultimately I couldn't grieve. I wouldn't let myself.

I have been working with a therapist for about 4 months now. I couldn't speak about the things that happened after my husband's death so I sent him my journal entry. He told me that the deaths of people we love and of those we hate may be the easier ones to grieve ( not that any deaths are easy to grieve) but that the difficult relationships, the conflicted ones, the ones with unresolved issues are very hard. He said it was ok for me to feel angry and it was ok to feel sad and that it was ok to just allow myself to feel. I had nothing to be ashamed of.

I guess I kept that tucked away until today.

That makes sense, Cecil. Thanks for not minding my questions. I didn't even have to go back to read your journal to understand from your reply here how paradoxically complicated his death has been for you to grieve.

Being on the upswing when he died, for one, hope being taken away. But then information arising after his death that could have felt like betrayal, or at the very least unanswered puzzlement. Two ways of things being unresolved right there.

I can imagine how you felt holding the bag with those unresolved issues among widows who idolized their late husbands. It's not the same thing, but as a missionary's kid who had abusive parents, I was shushed in certain parts of my recovery. Some people in other support groups idolized clergy in general and just didn't want to hear me say differently. I'm glad people allow me to speak my truth here.

I hope it's so for you here, too. I'm glad you're on this site for support at the same time the grief work came due for you. Lean on those here all you need to. Keep us updated about how tomorrow is for you.