Thanks for the encouraging comments and messages. I’m having a hard day emotionally and I just needed to put it out there.

 I’m sad.

 I’m angry.

 I’m really angry. 

I want to talk about it all and tell them all how wrong it was but I’ve been there and I know it does no good. It’s just as hurtful now when it’s something that doesn’t involve them - it’s someone else but it’s still pain and I am not allowed to feel it - not in their eyes.

I have not understood why I’m so uncomfortable around my father. He is a good guy. But I think it’s because he devoted his life to keeping secrets and teaching me how to. I don’t want my kids trusting him because I don’t know what other secrets he may be hiding.

I see my parents being so much like me. They talk about things and do things that simply get them through each day. They are surviving. I’m seeking to be a survivor. I want to be on the other side. One counselor explained to me that the things my brother did don’t just happen from someone at his age. And some of the memories now I see in a different light. Some of what he did may have been his way of protecting me. That’s super messed up and there came a point where he crossed the line but initially I can see how many someone hurt him in the ways he hurt me and who would that have been?

I remember that I got spanked by my dad but I don’t remember the spankings. To me that says it was nothing terrible. But when my brother got spanked he was screaming like someone was trying to murder him and that was just part of our life. It also happened behind a closed door. Only now being a parent myself does this seem unusual. But it also doesn’t seem unusual. I know my dads spankings hurt. And we all know my pain tolerance is incredible. I had major surgery at 11 years old and didn’t cry. I was limping prior to surgery and not complaining of pain because it wasn’t that bad. Doctors were amazed. My brother however was a cryer and a complainer when he hurt. It’s entirely possible that being spanked was intensely painful to him and not that bad to me. But I do recall writing my dad a letter that basically said I’m too old to be spanked. Please find another means of punishment or I’ll tell someone. I don’t remember the details but it was a long letter and included a lot of emotion. Something big led to it and I don’t think I was ever spanked again. Not sure how old I was but old enough. I would guess 13-15.

I don’t know that anything he was doing or did do was wrong but I do know he’s definitely controlling and my parents think I was unparentable. I’m not sure why. I wasn’t a bad kid. I did a lot of things right and I really wasn’t the problem. I can see that. I just let Mom complain to others when she talks about my kids future and how I will one day understand. I  don’t ask why. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I will understand. But she acts like I was this awful hormonal tornado and most of what I did was hide or work to avoid being in a chaotic and unsafe home. I see nothing wrong with that. And I know anything I did do that was wrong was not something I can be blamed for but something they should have taught me to work through. They didn’t do that. They literally didn’t let me see a counselor when I asked and begged a church member to help me talk to them. I tried....

Of all things to think about today, on my wedding anniversary, when I’m divorcing my abusive spouse and am so uncertain of so much, it’s all of this....that’s what’s running through my head today. Not him or anything he did, not the fear or paranoia he still encourages, my past.