Retelling the trauma tales doesn't help me, either, beyond ending the repression with all its gnarly side-effects. The part that does help me is the discussion of what to do about those gnarly side effects.

In my own strictly personals, accusing other people of being cowardly liars because they aren't spouting the truth I have dictated to them would be one of those gnarly side effects. It took me a lo-o-o-ong time to admit that I am not the world's most accurate mind-reader.

My personal truth, whether the Law of Sarah approves, or not, is that I forgive you for calling me a cowardly liar. I also forgive you for telling me what my truth should be. This sounds like the Social Anxiety talking again. Hope healing happens here.

P.S.
The forgiveness is for my personal benefit. You don't get to dictate that part, my omniscient one. You are still free to self-blame to your heart's content. Whatever floats your boat. . .

Thinking a kid can be responsible for her own abuse is the kind of attitude that leads some people to feel entitled to abuse in the first place. I dont believe you would EVER do that, but its upsetting that you could hold that attitude.

Maybe a good reason to talk about stuff is to hold up such attitudes to the light of critical thinking.

No kid except me is reasponsible. Its more complicated in my case

Oh Bullshit.

No kid is responsible for their own abuse. I don't care if they ran around naked and flirted outrageously with every adult male.

....which is actually completely NORMAL behavior for preschoolers. I have more stories of my daughter than anyone wants to hear. When she was in preschool, she'd pose before the school bus waiting for her older friend to get off. Oh the two of them. Christopher and her are still friends. Once I went in her room and Christopher had on one of her princess dresses. You've got to understand Christopher...he was a "player"/"playboy" even at age 6. He'd do ANYTHING for girl-attention.

Then in 1st grade my daughter flirted with the principal more than any other student he'd ever had. We were quite the family, my son one of the few kids that ever got suspended from kindergarten, and my daughter...

At home, my daughter would show her underwear to her brother to make him run from the room. (Ah the power of Pink Ponies! They really can shoot things from their butts.)

The whole point is...that kids at that age, are figuring "life" out, in more ways than I can describe. Kids see everything, imitate everything, they're learning how to please the people around them, and often getting it ALL mixed up.

What my daughter had that you didn't have....was a safe place to do all of that.


From the adult/perpetrator side...one thing people often don't say....is that rates of abuse are higher with boys that were raised with violence, than that were sexually abused. Both tend to go together, but physical abuse creates more offenders.

Makes me think a lot about the phrase "spare the rod, spoil the child"... It's really the other way around, the rod is destroying the child.

nope, you were not. it is impossible that you would have been.

all kids believe it was their fault, but once they see how impossible that would have been, can be convinced. can be helped to understand how that would not be something they could have had any power to stop or change.

What age that its happening is not ur fault though?

I can't imagine a scenario in which a father sexually abuses a daughter and it's not his fault, no matter how old she is. Especially if she grew up with him and was already conditioned with a freeze response that left her powerless to defend herself by fighting or fleeing.

How do you even figure it's your fault? How could it be? Did you hire a thug to make him hurt you so you could ... feel suicidal for the next 20 years? How can it possibly be your fault?

Did anyone ever tell you that it was your fault? Did your mum suggest that in some manner? I won't ask what he has said - I never trust the words of talking vomit.

"What age that its happening is not ur fault though? "

When you are old enough to know you were conditioned and groomed by a predator, and you can do different regardless of what they ask or impose in you. When you can do the best for you first, without debating, you will have made the age.

You can say no and put your personal safety first. Until then join us in learning to put the blame where it belongs, on the one(s) with the emotional, physical and psychological power that use it to their own means to use and abuse.

Sarah, I have done without a lot in my life to keep safe,.. home, people, family and money. None of it was worth being the in the presence of the abusers or predators living in their lie.

Hugs and support.
J

Thanks all for giving me something to think about

Thanks all for giving me something to think about

Try not to hurt those who are trying to help. You deserve support. You deserve healing. It's hard when we feel like people trying to help us are hurting us. I don't think that's anyone's intention. We are all in this together. We may have different stories but our feelings are the same. I'm sorry you feel like you are at fault. That is based in self-pity and that is part of the dysfunction that goes along with our trauma. Try to break that cycle. I know it's easier said than done

Take your time, I still think about it. Wish I had started sooner.

Please dont be angry with me i dodnt mean to sound like im lashing out

I'm not. Process at your pace. Support.
J.

You didn't sound to me like you were lashing out.

I do think you might have to accept the rational logic of the argument that you CAN'T be the only girl in history who was responsible for her own abuse.