so sorry you are struggling, i am so not looking forward to the decisions of the season. i want to believe i've made them already, but somehow it is needed to be done over again each time. i hope you get a good rest in xo

So sorry for all this difficulty, praying <3

Hmm, I just had a conversation with my daughter about holidays and family.

Background: My ex and I moved away from where most of his family was (I never had much family, and what I had was...not close). From the time my kids were born, until my ex left when the kids were 5 and 7, I made a HUGE effort to pack up, drive, the whole thing about traveling with young kids, all so that they would get the "family" experience.

His family never made the effort to come here. And all sort of acted like they were doing me a big favor having us there (maybe they were...idk).

After the divorce, I quit. I quit doing all the packing, organizing, making sure that we left at nap time...all of that. And instead put in the effort to make our holidays HERE what we wanted. First I tried to get some "traditions" going. That never quite worked. We have a few, but they're quirky. We eat T-day dinner on the living room floor watching movies, etc. The specifics always changed, and were largely led by whatever we all wanted (pizza for t-day dinner is fine with me). But we were together (even if it wasn't on the exact day) and we LOVED each other.

I'm not poor, but I've given them far from the richest life...in either material things or family, but...both my kids tell me that "they'd trade families with no one".

So...that's my advice. Forget what you think a holiday "should" be, forget "perfect" and instead just make it happy. If that's pizza with cranberry sauce that only one kid eats...then that's not just "good enough"...that's perfect. Don't wait on your mother, father, or anyone else.

If you want a tradition...make it that you, the parent, takes that day to take each child aside and just tell them all of the things about them that you're thankful for. None can be physical characteristics, all have to be mental things. (I love how much you care, I love the joy in your eyes when you play your video game, I remember when I first hold you and thinking that it could never get better...then being surprised to find out that it's gotten better every single year since then, etc.)

I hope that you have a wonderful, wonderful day tomorrow...with or without your mother.

Patti

The first Christmas without my late sis was weirder when we tried to make it "okay" and "as it should be". Feel what you feel, but please, don't forget to feel glad you have what you have, too. Speaking from experience in family estrangement? Yeah, I could play the game to get the family all chummy with me. But do I want that, or do I want a quietly contented happy holiday where I can hang with those who want to be around me without hurting me as their idea of recreation? (My dad's family is fairly lethal that way. And literally lethal, for that matter.) Is it less stress and drama now? Oh yeah. Do I feel wistful? Sometimes. But *love* makes a family, not DNA, IMHO....

So.... enjoy your day, and if your mom shows, great. If not, it's on her, not on you. Big puma hugs!

Hey, jenny, I know the Thanksgiving/Christmas PTSD issues with PTSD all too well myself. I spend them alone every year. Others invite me into their celebrations, but I found accepting meant I had to hide my grief about my own lack of family. So I make solo plans for a big show or a trip somewhere. That way I can enjoy myself in between bouts of the blues without feeling my grief is raining on anyone else's parade. Family holidays are tough with PTSD, aren't they? Enjoy whatever you can your way. You're entitled to that on your own terms.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your father. I can’t image how hard it must be for you. I am praying for you and hoping you can come to a peaceful resolution with your family. Have you thought about writing your family a letter or email and letting them know your feelings? I thought this would be a non-confrontational way of getting your feelings out there and coming to some form of resolution.

Keeponkeepingon, love the name and thanks for the question. My mom ended up showing up and said that she discussed it with my siblings and they said it would be a clean slate, no discussion wanted. That sounds positive but unfortunately I'm still struggling because I'm not emotionally built like that. It takes discussion and forgiveness for me to build up trust after an argument. Especially an argument that lasted over 5 years.

I've sent emails and tried phoning and all have been ignored. So I don't trust that anything would be different now. I decided to do my own thing and avoid family functions because longing for a close relationship with my sister and having to take 4 hours like all is good was wearing me down, ruining my holidays and causing more resentment as well as my self esteem suffering. I already struggle with low self esteem plus bad self talk and constant regret and shame. Seeing them just adds to the hole im trying to dig myself out of.

Part of me wants to do as they want and just start at ground zero again and see if something builds but I fear it will all be for nothing and I'll be left sad and go through all that grief I went through the past many years trying to accept and get over the lost family.

What would you do?

Jenny007, thank you for replying back to my response. I really think it’s a positive thing that they have said its all a clean slate, but I completely understand your nervousness and denial of their “forgiving and moving past it” attititude. You asked what I would do, for myself I would give them one more chance. I wouldn’t be around them expecting something to happen, but more of an attitude of this is my family who I love and I want a relationship with. I find for myself that if I go looking for something that I will find it (snide remark, rude tone, condescending comment etc). You are obviously your own person and have been through so much with them. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can only encourage you and support you with whatever decision you make. If you look back at this time in 10 years, would you regret not being with them? Would you be happy that you severed your relationship with them? Or would you be happy that everything has been forgotten and you have relationship with your family? I hear the hurt and sadness in your voice, but I also hear the longing for a real relationship with them. I think its ultimately what you can handle and how much you can forgive and move on. Your not a bad person either way. Please let me know what you decide and if I can help anymore.

Thank you for your input keepkeeping. Everything resonated with my intelligent mind. However my longing for family connectedness really does mean numbers not those people at this point. I get emotional during holidays because I'm not with them but the other 300+ days in the year are fine. I posted during a vulnerable time here and that's the part I need to recognize. They discarded me and defined me by one error in judgement, which I've owned, apologized for and made many efforts to rectify. The question is can I live with people in my life that are going to toss me out the minute I speak the truth as I know it? As someone who gives 4, 5 and 6 chances to people, because to error is human, to forgive is devine being my motto, I truly do have enough self respect to believe I deserve to be treated in the same manner. I've been wronged by these same people and it never defined them, not once. Everything in my gut is saying let them go, forgive myself and them but let them go. During holidays I become lonely and sad but looking back I still felt lonely and sad in the group. As hard as it is to accept, it's either move on and forward with the awesome family I've created or go back to the numbers where I could never be myself, had to parade around like everything is fine to feel happiness. It's time to stop trying to mend something that was always broken and time to learn how to deal with the vulnerabilities and emotions I feel during holidays. So your advice was true, something I know I'd have zero problems following with healthy people, but with these people it's beyond anything emotionally intelligent as your suggestions could fix. Thank you so much, I hope things are going good on your end and would like to help if I can, if not.