Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.

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Struggles

Hopesoul
Hopesoul

For as long as I can remember I have been dealing with severe depression, anxiety, and recently got diagnosed with PTSD. This is really hard for me as I do not like talking about this.. especially so publicly, so I ask you bare with me. 


As a child I was molested by my "father" for over 7 years. While also dealing with physical and emotional abuse by both parents.  I left home when I was 15 fought tirelessly to control my emotions, my feelings. I chose to ignore what happened, what I went threw. I did this for about 10 years. But instead of making it better it got worse and worse. Everyday is a struggle of keeping it together.. triggers, panic attacks, lack of emotion or interest for things or people. Some days are better then others sure, but those seem so rare and far away. Between my random anger, anxiety, depression, lack of wanting to do anything. I fight threw for my husband and son often faking I am happier then I am. Believe it or not faking is absolutely exhausting. And again I am back to faking because I am ashamed, I am afraid, I am disgusted I am hurt, I am angery. I feel as though my out breaks or anger and constant fear and depression is ruining me inside and out and what's worse that my husband gets the full force of it. What's worse about that? I don't blame him.. I, myself am all to blame. I am too weak to get over what was done to me growing up, it runs my life is how I often feel. I am to damaged for my husband, he deserves so much better.


Preciousbabygirl
Preciousbabygirl
I'm sorry that you are going through so much right now Hope!! I know how you feel. I was raped by my uncle several times a day for almost 11 years and horribly physically abused by my grandmother. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I don't think your husband would want better. I do however think you need to find a good therapist to help you deal with the trauma. Once you start getting the trauma squared away then things will improve with your husband and son.
AllieKitty
AllieKitty
Please look into therapy and consider EMDR therapy as it has helped so many people with trauma. Children often blame themselves and feel shame for the abuse because it's a coping strategy but you know rationally that it is untrue. You were completely innocent and you are NOT weak for not getting over this. You have never worked through this and that's why it's still eating at you. It can get better and you can heal but you need to feel safe and it's best to work with a therapist in healing this trauma. Try to treat yourself with kindness and compassion, the way you would treat any other person who carried this pain the way you did. You are strong and a survivor.
arfie
arfie
Hi Hope. Welcome to the forum. Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. Our collective healing strength grows for every new member.

I can easily believe that faking it is exhausting. It was for me, as well. It's kinda like holding on to a bag full of fighting cats. The longer I held on to the bag, the heavier and less manageable it got.

If intelligence and strength of will were all we needed to overcome these symptoms, very few of us would be here. Emotions don't respond well to logic or will power. Telling my trauma tales is still not my favorite hobby, but being able to talk about them when necessary has opened me to allot of healing mojo.

Your time is right on time every time, Hope. Open up whenever, if ever, you feel ready and not a moment sooner.

Welcome to the forum.
LillyPotter
LillyPotter
hi Hope, welcome. i did what you have done, in my way i did that too. i put things away and i was fine. i was so fine and i could prove it too, just look at how fine i was - big sincere smile. i learned to do it as a little kid and practiced practiced so much. i was so good at it.
but the thing, our bodies will only let us do it for about so long, our...emotions can handle only so much of the faking it and then it just won't hold anymore. it falls apart when and where it wants to and there's no stopping it : (
i guess you already know this crap now.
the best way over it, the ony way, i think, is through it. and that's therapy probably. get a dr. to help, medication helps - like anti anxiety - that helps me a lot. i'm not in therapy right now, but i will be again.
here is awesome. i come here everyday and have for 3+ yrs..maybe 4 now, i loose track of time.
sooner in, sooner through it. it isn't fun, it gets difficult - but hell, not dealing with it isn't working either. gentle hgus, we are here
Hopesoul
Hopesoul
Thank you everyone for your kind words and help. I have been to many different counsellors over the years but was not serious I fuels about it till I found out I was pregnant. I then realized it was not just me anymore. My son and husband are my world and my rocks. I do plan on going back to counselling. I have tried anxiety meds and anti depression meds but non really had a great effect on me and often made me feel even more isolated like I was living in a bubble. I am more hoping to make friends who have had similar experiences to talk to and ask advice to. It's not something you can talk to people in your life who have not gone threw a traumatic experience or who do not suffer from PTSD. I believe I need to make some friends who I can relate to and talk to.. like really talk to. My husband for the most part listens but it's hard for him because he does not understand though I appreciate more then words can tell that he tries.
AllieKitty
AllieKitty
I completely understand and I am in that exact same stage in my life after lots of therapy and self work. It is very healing to have people who really understand, relate, empathize, and validate you. Please feel free to message me anytime.
arfie
arfie
I am not sure it is possible to be both a good spouse and a good therapist. Psych pros don't seem to think so. They are pretty fanatical about that professional detachment thing. A detached spouse is not so good. I know I need my husband to accept me just the way I am on any given day. My therapy network is where I go for help with the places I need to change. Hubs just holds my hand while I find my way through the inner turmoils.

Continued support, Hope. Keep sorting. Your answers are in there.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
So sorry for what you went through. It sounds familiar, though. I was diagnosed with PTSD after ten years of struggling with depression and anxiety, too. It was hard to accept a new diagnosis after struggling with the depression diagnosis and thinking I was making progress with it. But after I started to learn about PTSD, it helped explain the depression and all of the rest in a better way. I got a PTSD specialist for a therapist, then, and it made all the difference. He taught me what therapist Pete Walker talks about on his website. I really recommend getting a PTSD therapist, since your depression is now PTSD related.

http://www.pete-walker.com/managingAbandonDepression.htm

Much support to you, and welcome. It's good you found us!
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