Never had too much issue with it myself, but it runs in my family. Shifting the focus to the impact poor health and hygiene has on the world around them worked for at least two of my siblings. They struggled doing it for themselves, but doing it for others got them over the hump.

Hugs, Betty. This is important stuff. Keep looking until you find what works for you. Your epitome is out there.

I am slowly learning what this even means. I have no clue how to do it. It has taken me years to even address this issue. It is so hard to learn self care when deep dpwn inside, I hate myself. I don't feel like I deserve to be taken care of, by myself or anyone else. The biggest problem is that I have kids-and that means it is not just about me anymore. I have to be a role model for them-and I admit-I am not a great one-I never go to the doctor, I smoke cigarettes, I starve myself, etc. But one small thing that i am learning is how to lessen the symptoms of PTSD-the horrible flashbacks-because they make it so I am unable to function and that is not OK with 3 kids. So the one thing I do that could fall under the "self care" category is I try to make sure that I feel safe-because when I feel unsafe, I am really not OK. I am still working on figuring out what makes me feel safe and unsafe and a lot of it has to do with setting boundaries with people, eliminating toxic people from my life, and giving myself permission to not be around crowds and lots of people. I have along way to go, but these small steps are helping.

Thanks Arfie and HBE123 for your responses. HBE123, I am so sorry to hear about your suffering with this too. I am finding this one of the most difficult aspects of overcoming PTSD. I know that if I take better care of myself, better diet, exercise, etc., that I'll be less reactive and therefore I'll be getting stronger.

I've definitely found that eliminating toxic people from my life to be an essential first step. That was HUGE for me. I still have to deal with a few "family" members, but by and large I am toxic people free. But I am still hampered with such low self esteem that doing for myself feels wrong and actually triggers me more.

I've set timers for myself to get going on a project and I find that when I start to complete a task, my anxiety actually goes up!! So frustrating. And like you HBE, I have a child, and I feel jealous of him being able to get stuff done so much easier than I can. Of course he's had me cheerleading to get his work done. Why is it so
hard to do for myself?? Arrghh!

Now that anxiety rise as I near the end of a project is something I have huge problems with. Especially if the project goes well. It is like I get into a productive zone and never want it to end. I will often drop into a bleak depression after the project is done.

I have had folks I respect tell me this even approaches "normal." The system is simply shifting gears. Still throws me for a loop every time.

Huh, that is both oddly reassuring and alarming. I am finding that getting geared up for a project to be a ridiculously hard battle because of my fear of failure, but then as I get going, after the first rising spikes of anxiety, I can get into a groove.

If I stop and take a break, however, I am lost again, and it feels like I'm back to square one. Then I go into my dissociation mode. I'm afraid of success as much as failure I guess. I can get just as reactive if a project is going well.

arfie, I wonder if you have experienced a sadness of completion because you're letting the project go, and it is "leaving home" so to
speak and you are missing it like a friend. Do you feel the same way if you have another project lined up immediately afterwards?

Hi Betty~

I can relate to what you speak of. For me, I had to get over the shame with self care. I was often made to feel I was selfish when I had any level of care or interest in myself that took away from selfish adults. Which wasnt too difficult to do because I had very little self esteem in the first place and it was easy to neglect myself. And I also came to hate myself , which stemmed from my sexual abuse. So I eventually I didnt want to do anything nice for me. Often times neglected my sleeping, eating, health appts. etc.

But I did work through this. In therapy, it was a big change for me when I started to feel feelings and see that I was that neglected child that needed much love and much care. I tape affirmations to my bathroom mirror to combat/change distorted thoughts and had to draw a hard line with myself as funny as that sounds. I created a protective, bulldog part of me that self care things were simply a priority and not up for arguement.

Is there are part of self care in particular that is difficult for you?

I find almost all self care difficult, well except for bathing, I definitely like to stay clean. I have trouble partially because when I'm stressed I go into a freeze mode and I don't like to move. A throwback from childhood when I used to hide from my mom when she was enraged.

I also feel like I don't deserve it, so I have a hard time giving myself good food to eat when I'm alone. I am finally getting better about sleep, but the food thing and buying decent clothes, getting a haircut, medical care, well the list is pretty long.

I just missed out on a nice opportunity helping with a reception for a film maker because I didn't have a white shirt and black pants. I have very few clothes and loathe buying things for myself, it usually sends me into a panic --I don't deserve it or I'll make the wrong decision. I've been eyeing some basic wardrobe items for over a year and just don't feel justified. For my son, however, I love buying him new clothes and I am vicariously happy to see him happy with something he likes.

Oh I am just rambling on here, but the self care problem is pretty entrenched, it was something that elicited huge rage attacks from my adoptive mom. It always seemed easier to just hang back and basically hide. To avoid thinking about myself just became easier and now is entrenched. I've managed baby steps, but the process is agonizingly slow.

I also have a problem with this. I was always made to feel guilty and selfish for doing anything or wanting anything for myself as a child .( and adult ) I could never even enjoy what little I had because my mother would become angry and say that I was only happy when she spent her money on me. i don't know any child that is not happy with a new toy or dress except in my house . I learned very quickly not to ask much and anything i did like i never touched because if something happened even from normal use or wear I was ungrateful and punished is not even the word for what happened
For me it is difficult to take care of my self when i don't even feel like I am a real person. I don't even know what I like anymore and do not feel deserving of anything but i do feel that my children deserve a healthy mother and not to be embarrassed because i am wreck when i take them somewhere or weird when i have to speak to other parents.
I just have a hard time finding the balance. I still feel like to do something for myself is taking away from someone else

katb, I get that feeling like I'm not a real person, somehow so divided from my body that I can and do ignore my needs. That seems like the footprint of trauma still embedded in my body.

I have spent time looking at a few catalogs that come to my house: REI, ll bean, some other athletic wear for women. I can figure out what I like (that did take a long time though) but the ordering seems to be too difficult.

Not so for others though, I love buying presents for others and figuring out just what they want. I guess that whole--"you're my baby doll" thing that my mom wanted me to be somehow took hold in my psyche, and I learned to exist for my mom's, and then later,
for other's pleasure, but never for my own.

Just wondering if there is some way, other than just forcing myself, to get past this not so benign self neglect?