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...ok...repressed memories are not going to be photoaccurate. I know that.
...for at least a year, I have been getting these images of a smoky room, with sort of glimpses of naked men...and myself in this white dress with pink ribbons.
I got a sequence...and it seems that it wasn't my own abuse at this party that horrified me most, it was the boy who was also there.
...I seem to remember him maybe being a foster kid, so nobody really cared if they tore him up. So they did. My dad had to not leave behind evidence; my mom would have busted him if the physical or sexual abuse got extreme enough to leave damage that was beyond plausible deniability... Mom, oddly enough, was protecting me somewhat, dad was afraid enough of her to be restrained.
...I couldn't protect this little boy, offer myself instead of him, and I wasn't even allowed to put a blanket over him or hug him at the end of the night when he was lying there in pain...
And...I think it's why I have felt such a strong urge to save every lost soul and wayward animal. I didn't know, but I knew, and I was carrying this kid with me...the one I could not save and had to leave behind.
I want to see if I can go to the elementary school and look through the pictures. It was a small enough town. We went to the same school, IIRC.
He was in 3rd grade, I was in first.
I think we both looked at each other, sort of humiliated and horrified, and said nothing...I probably had repressed most of it by the next day, honestly.
I remember having intrusive memories of him, naked, with a frozen look on his face when I was 6. I would sit in class and have trouble doing my work.
...for at least a year, I have been getting these images of a smoky room, with sort of glimpses of naked men...and myself in this white dress with pink ribbons.
I got a sequence...and it seems that it wasn't my own abuse at this party that horrified me most, it was the boy who was also there.
...I seem to remember him maybe being a foster kid, so nobody really cared if they tore him up. So they did. My dad had to not leave behind evidence; my mom would have busted him if the physical or sexual abuse got extreme enough to leave damage that was beyond plausible deniability... Mom, oddly enough, was protecting me somewhat, dad was afraid enough of her to be restrained.
...I couldn't protect this little boy, offer myself instead of him, and I wasn't even allowed to put a blanket over him or hug him at the end of the night when he was lying there in pain...
And...I think it's why I have felt such a strong urge to save every lost soul and wayward animal. I didn't know, but I knew, and I was carrying this kid with me...the one I could not save and had to leave behind.
I want to see if I can go to the elementary school and look through the pictures. It was a small enough town. We went to the same school, IIRC.
He was in 3rd grade, I was in first.
I think we both looked at each other, sort of humiliated and horrified, and said nothing...I probably had repressed most of it by the next day, honestly.
I remember having intrusive memories of him, naked, with a frozen look on his face when I was 6. I would sit in class and have trouble doing my work.
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My day...today...misplaced my debit card...didn't realize it until I got to the register after shopping to a full cart. Used a different debit card and pulled apart everything looking for missing debit card before I left parking lot. Got home, dropped keys. So now I have a missing debit card, missing keys. A full cartload to unload and put away. I got everything put away.Dumped purse for a...
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I don't really know how to label this but I having a rough week and I can't say it's one thing.... I have a lot on my plate which is nothing new and I try to cope in many positive ways and do but I still have my moments.My kids more so my daughters talk to me about everything which I know it's cause of comfort and we are close.... however I really struggle with the venting about their dad which...
So I had a lot of shame.
I know better now, but not then.
I hope that boy has healed from what was done to him as you are healing from what was done to you.
If you find his picture I hope it gives you some peace of mind.
((hugs))
Soft purrs and supportive hugs. You are very brave to share this and to look for his picture.
Hugs,
Leo
...the probable marriage and legal battle to import Mr Crazypants is a priority.
Would like to. I have family about an hour from there.
Small town in the Ohio river valley region.
...I have intent to go, I will go at some point, or try to pay to have photocopies mailed to me of the class roster that year.
Also the justice department might have the footage...yup, that too...
Gentle support while you sort, blue. Easy does it.
Be good to yourself. This is intense, of the type of intensity few challenge themselves with.
One thing jumped out at me when you wrote "my mom would have busted him if the physical or sexual abuse got extreme enough to leave damage that was beyond plausible deniability." Wow, that game of keeping just enough "plausible deniability" so as to duck responsibility describes my mom and my grandmother. That is so sad, to have a mommy who practices denial in such shocking circumstances. I do know.