So yesterday I did a really intense session of EMDR.  I have to admit that it really threw me off.  I was remembering so much stuff and after it was done I came home, and honestly I got drunk while I was having a social zoom meeting, which frankly I was glad was going on when I got home because I felt so out of it.  After the session was done, I was telling my therapist that I really could not believe everything, like I could not believe that it was my life, how crazy the whole thing was.  I was laughing hysterically when I got home, and laughing throughout the session.  Like the stories, the craziness, the insanity, all these stories...like was this really for real?  Some of these traumatic memories that came back were so crazy that I starting laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of it.

I sort of stumbled out of there, the whole thing was so disturbing that I was wondering to myself, what was the point of that?  Like it was so upsetting that I had to wonder about the outcome and whether it was worth it and the benefits.  I suppose the the other option is to just forget all of these incidents and just carry on, which is what I have been doing all this time.

On the other hand, then I ask myself and I look at this approach and ask myself why I went to therapy in the first place?  I guess it's the chronic suicidality and other range of emotional problems. I wasn't really wanting to or feeling doing the EMDR and was hoping to avoid it, but it the therapist really felt like this is what we should do based on everything that I was telling her.

I suppose if I would not do the EMDR, what would be the outcome?  I might be overreacting and trauma dumping at a lot of inopportune times in unexpected ways, which is pretty disruptive, and then just trauma dumping all over to random people and being dysregulated.

I ended up just screwing around on Tik Tok until like 4 AM in the morning, I don't know if I was trying to avoid thiking about all of these things that I was remembering, idk.  I was so exhausted, I had so much work to do this morning, and then I had to meet my parents for lunch. I was just thinking a whole variety of things and feeling really angry and out of it. I was feeling very angry during the EMDR session as well.  I think my parents noticed that something was off with me, and that I must have come across as depressed or something, which I have been for a while.  My dad was looking at me funny.

I am not sure of the benefits of EMDR or what the long term outcome of it is.  I know I have nightmares frequently, and they are pretty terrible.