Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
First of all, I'm sorry! I haven't been on here in months. School finals are closing in on me, so I'm busy a lot, and a friend I've known my entire life is now in a mental hospital. Also, a few weeks ago my (former?) bestie intentionally triggered me (he was drunk), resulting in an entire afternoon of bad flashbacks and now I can't bring myself to forgive him.
It's time I stop bullshitting myself about one thing. I'm one of the best in many of my classes, but my teachers are starting to get angry at me because I could be even better if I were to put some effort into it. I'm just lazy, that's what I told myself and everyone else for years. But that's a lie, just something I tried to covince myself of, but it's not true. The truth is: I'm scared.
Thing is: I'm not a particularly good person. I'm not a people person. I'm not really empathitic. I'm bad with anything related to emotions. I can be pretty insensitive. PTSD made me defensive and I have massive trust issues. I think I'm a loyal and decent friend, but I'm completely useless when it comes to comforting someone. When pissed off, I can be passive-aggressive for days. My friends tell that I'm a good person, but I can't bring myself to believe them.
But the one thing I am is smart. I'm a very fast learner and good at problem solving and everything scientific comes almost naturally to me. I don't need to study to be good.
But that's all there is to me. Being smart is the one good thing I've always had, the one thing that's untainted and entirely mine. The one thing I can and always could rely on, the very foundation of my self esteem.
People tell me that if I work, I could be the best. But what if I'm not? I know this is rediculous, that I don't need to be the best, but what if I'm simply not smart enough?
Because most of the time, I feel like it's all I have. And if I'm not smart enough, then what's left??
So I don't study, because if I'm not good enough then, it'll be because I'm lazy. I'll still be the smart one. I know that this is irrational, I know that I would be good enough, but what if I'm wrong? What is left of me then?
Started crying now and I don't really know why, I'm not good with that.
Sorry for being away for so long and sorry for rambling.
Hugs, Neo
It's time I stop bullshitting myself about one thing. I'm one of the best in many of my classes, but my teachers are starting to get angry at me because I could be even better if I were to put some effort into it. I'm just lazy, that's what I told myself and everyone else for years. But that's a lie, just something I tried to covince myself of, but it's not true. The truth is: I'm scared.
Thing is: I'm not a particularly good person. I'm not a people person. I'm not really empathitic. I'm bad with anything related to emotions. I can be pretty insensitive. PTSD made me defensive and I have massive trust issues. I think I'm a loyal and decent friend, but I'm completely useless when it comes to comforting someone. When pissed off, I can be passive-aggressive for days. My friends tell that I'm a good person, but I can't bring myself to believe them.
But the one thing I am is smart. I'm a very fast learner and good at problem solving and everything scientific comes almost naturally to me. I don't need to study to be good.
But that's all there is to me. Being smart is the one good thing I've always had, the one thing that's untainted and entirely mine. The one thing I can and always could rely on, the very foundation of my self esteem.
People tell me that if I work, I could be the best. But what if I'm not? I know this is rediculous, that I don't need to be the best, but what if I'm simply not smart enough?
Because most of the time, I feel like it's all I have. And if I'm not smart enough, then what's left??
So I don't study, because if I'm not good enough then, it'll be because I'm lazy. I'll still be the smart one. I know that this is irrational, I know that I would be good enough, but what if I'm wrong? What is left of me then?
Started crying now and I don't really know why, I'm not good with that.
Sorry for being away for so long and sorry for rambling.
Hugs, Neo
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Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
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My day...today...misplaced my debit card...didn't realize it until I got to the register after shopping to a full cart. Used a different debit card and pulled apart everything looking for missing debit card before I left parking lot. Got home, dropped keys. So now I have a missing debit card, missing keys. A full cartload to unload and put away. I got everything put away.Dumped purse for a...
Now for the Mommy-esque lecture, and I apologize, but this is what I say to myself, and have since I was about 15.... So if you're actually *smart*, Neo, get off your self-pitying butt polyp and apply your smarts! Why are you letting the naysaying negatory no-goodnik run who you are? And potentially ruin your opportunities? You worked to get this far, don't waste it, Neo! (Leo, Neo, hey, whatever....)
PM me if you wanna hate, rant, rave, etc., but Neo, you are reading like a younger me, the one I fought every da*n day for a decade because it was that or my abusers *won*, and as butt polyp stupid as it sounds, the idea that they'd "win"? Was often what got my rear into gear, my head out of my colon, and so on.... Not being them, not letting them be (entirely) right about me.
And share that with your counselor if you've got one, okay? And re-read it.
You *have* friends. You recognize your negative patterns. You're already doing better than you realize.
Purrs and healing hopes to you from the puma.
I was 22 before I finally managed to fight my way into college level classes. That was almost 40 years ago. The war between "Smart Enough" and "Too Lazy" is still raging in me. I have been taking classes all this time, but still no degree. Yes, it still hits my radar as ridiculous, but. . . It is what it is, whether I understand it, or not.
Sending all the healing vibes I can find your way, Neo, as you navigate the end of semester stresses. Finish first, evaluate later? End of semester is tough for everybody.
And thanks, Leo, I needed to hear/read that. I was a bit emotional before, but nevertheless what I wrote is true. Lots of stuff to work on...
Don't apologize for being smart and for being able to pass without studying. Smart is who you are, and you don't have to apply yourself if you don't want to, it's your choice. If you do ever want to satisfy your curiosity about how far your smarts can take you, you'll put you pedal to the metal work-wise and find out. If you're not that curious, you won't. It's fine. Don't feel guilty about squandering your smarts, it's your life and nobody has the right to judge you.
On the other hand, wouldn't it be interesting just to satisfy curiosity and see? Could be a fun experiment.
Either way, you're accepted, Neo, so accept yourself. We're your friends, and we're here for you, whatever you do. Be well.
I think the PTSD kept me from not trying to hard, not sure why but that has been my pattern unless something really interests me.
Later on as a single Mom with two kids, I did graduate school part time for 8 years. I worked a bit harder because I was in a different place. Supporting kids and had no help from ex motivated me. I still put the kids first and studied when they were in bed. No one is perfect, we all just do the best we can. Follow your heart, and be kind to yourself. :)
I think people are trying to tell you that the idea that your intelligence is the only good or okay part of you is an illusion, and the idea that if you're not "the best" (whatever that means) then you are indeed crap is untrue. It's not true that the rest of you is crap, it's probably just true that your family has crapped all over the rest of you! I hope you will be able to reclaim your whole self because clearly you are more than just a brain. And also, you don't have to be "the best" to be a person of worth and value on the theory that being the best and smartest is all you have to offer. Clearly that is not the case.
Muji: First of all, so good to talk to you again! I really should've come back sooner.
Yeah, I do see the irony. This entire issue is completely irrational, which makes it all the more frustrating. I don't perceive myself as a good person, but I never know how much of that actually applies and how much is caused by PTSD and my similarities to my arsehole father (should not think about him, that'll end in a gigantic rant, grrr [ha, that rhymes]). I am curious and I feel like I might throw away a lot of opportunities, but again, there's that irrational fear of being 'not good enough' (whatever that means).
Hi Musko, nice to meet you! Another one of my issues right there: I never know whether I'm too hard or not hard enough on myself. I actually like studying (at least for all the science things). Learning about stuff is one of the most relaxing things for me, but because of my issues I actively avoid learning anything I should, even if it's something I find really interesting. Yup, it's a bit idiotic.
I'm glad to hear everything worked out for you! It's always good to hear that it can.
DW: One of my problems is that my PTSD didn't have a single cause, but came from a series of mostly unrelated traumas of different durations and severities. I never know which trauma caused which one of my issues. I do suspect my dysfunctional family situations might have a big part in this specific one, but I'm not sure. It's pretty frustrating. Once I find the cause I can usually work through an issue whithin a matter of months, but if I don't know where it came from it's much harder.
If I may ask: What part was that for you? I'm just curious :)
It's true, for me my intelligence has always been that one part no-one can touch or taint, no matter what happened. Usually it's really hard to piss me off, but treating me like I'm stupid is the one sure way to do it and this might be the reason.
Also, my pTSD is from childhood trauma, and adult-injury trauma, so sometimes I have no idea either why I'm freaking out. Sux.
Knowing why ( I don't really, precisely ) doesn't fix the problem.