Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

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Simply Can't Do It Anymore..Trigger Warning

StrengthofMind
StrengthofMind

Called my therapist and told him I needed help desperately.....plead for help. He told me to have a happy holiday and hung up on me.



I'm one of those people who have ALWAYS been there for people when they needed help.....many times strangers.



Now that I need help and asked for it there is nobody there. He promised me he would always be there for me. He was in it for the long run.



I can't let anybody hurt me again. This is it. I'm done. I hurt so bad I can't even explain the pain. Unloved, unwanted. My whole life. I wasn't even allowed to eat meals with the rest of the family. I had to eat in my closet. I didn't have a bed, bedroom growing up. I was so stupid to trust again. No, never again. The pain, the pain, the pain. Never goes away. I'm 59 and have never been hugged. Not by parents,siblings, those I thought were friends but only used me. Not one single hug in my entire life. I've accomplished a great deal in my career.....raised millions upon millions of dollars to build medical centers for excellence which help thousands of people. Raised millions of dollars for scholarships for higher education. Yet I can't get one to help me or even loan me five bucks for a burger. CPTSD ruined me for life. I wonder why I bothered to fight so hard to survive daily torture and gang rapes for 15 years. Every man in my life has emotionally and physically abused me. I attract them like magnets. I'm used and filthy. No place to stay tonight. Watching others laugh, gather and have fun. 


Didn't mean to be a doggie downer. Sure someone will have a problem with that too. Nowhere to go or turn. Please don't say social services as they are next to non existant and dangerous places to be here. Rape and sodomy is the norm there.

AgentSmith
AgentSmith
I can relate to your post sooooo much. I really feel your pain. I, too, have always been the one to go out of my way to be there for others in need, even strangers. I've even taken off work to help someone I barely knew who had PTSD and was really struggling, and spent the day supporting him, letting him literally cry on me. Then, when I was going through a horrible ordeal, he screamed at me over the phone for being upset and hung up on me. And these things have happened repeatedly to me too. So I definitely feel you.

I was also the scapegoat in my family and I too have CPTSD. I'm really sorry you're struggling so much right now. I will send you a friend request and you can talk with me, if you'd like. I usually check this site daily.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I am so sorry that you're hurting so much.... Gentle hug of comfort and support....xo
Bluejay96
Bluejay96
You were NOT stupid to trust again..... you were brave. Very brave and vulnerable.

Holidays can really make things feel raw.

You have fought wonderfully to survive.... and still are.

Have you ever read "A Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren? If not, I'd recommend it. I know it helped me a great deal.

You deserve hugs.... and are worthy of them. We are here offering hugs of support.... I know it's not the same as an in-person, physical hug, but they are sent.

You are not alone.
Bert2016
Bert2016
Please know you're not alone and if I was near you, I would hug you. I would listen and I am here to listen whenever you need to vent. I'm sorry you haven't seen much kindness around you and I'm sorry if this is unwarranted advice or if this wouldn't work for you but maybe you should get a dog or a cat. There is no love like animal love. As far as people go you'll find your herd, it sometimes takes a long time. Just keep being the kind soul that you are and you will bring that into your life.
Community LeaderLeo
Leo
Here for you asmuch as possible online. I agree, animals never let us down (OK, they irk us ---- one ofmy pets tore up the Christmas tree overnight!) but... for a therapist to do what yours did? I am so so sorry!

Hugs, and purrs, and puma healing to you.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
Here for you always, strength, you're not alone.
Beryl367
Beryl367
Hi StrengthofMind. It's so hard when life begins painfully to find and experience the good. I remember one of the earliest hugs I can recall, I was about 10 or so sitting at the dining room table and a family member came up behind me and hugged me, I totally froze. I have no idea why the adults in my family were astounded that I don't like to be surprised from behind. I suppose the people who were adults when I was growing up would say I was hugged regularly, but I don't remember it that way. They maybe meant kindness and love, but sometimes I feel like I was really raised by myself when I didn't know I needed to and wasn't really capable of raising me.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I like what others have said about pets, though I don't have any right now, quiet calm pets are nice.

I know it's hard, but your therapist's behavior had nothing to do with you. It was more related to his capacities. Hanging up was wrong, but it sounds like he might need more support, you know like an on-call service so he doesn't have to be available 24/7/365, no one can reasonably do that, yet there should be someone you can call anytime. Anyway, my explaining his behavior is not meant to justify it my point is that his reaction has nothing to do with you. You are of immeasurable value and you are not alone.

Sending you virtual hugs, ooh and a batch of your favorite cookies.
Peace and hugs.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
You there today, strength? Thinking of you again.
Winter
Winter
strengthofmind I did not like what the therapist did to you. It is their job to listen to their patients regardless what they are doing, how would they feel if they were the one who felt what the patient is going through and someone did the same thing to them? what the heck would they do?

I had a bad experience with a therapist before and is having a hard time finding one to talk to. There is a few things that therapist did to make me so mad that I do not trust having another one. 1) She felt I repeated myself to much and not getting anywhere. 2) I called her one day and she told me that she could not talk with me unless I come to her office and talk with her because I wanted to talk about wasn't really severe. 3) when I would visit her office, she would fall off to sleep when I was talking which made me feel that I was making her bored. 4)I found another therapist. She was a family therapist therefore she'll see my mom for one hour and see me for an hour. When it was my turn to talk with her, she used to go and repeat to my mom.

As for other situations I can simply relate with you on that because I felt your pain when you said that you are a type of person who'll be there for other people but when it comes to you that person acts like you a burden to them. I am a type of person who will listen to you all day if it takes that long but there had been times when the other person would make me feel that I was not saying much of nothing or that it was no big deal. Some family members had did the same thing to me too. So now I do not say anything to anyone, I just keep it inside or come on here and talk to people who can understand what I am feeling.
Winter
Winter
I wanted to include that you can message me and talk (vent) if you want, I would listen to you.
rose07042k
rose07042k
I agrees with everyone you are not alone and a pet loves is awesome. I got to meet a horse earlier this year and I miss her. I think about her alot and the fun we had together. She waa my friend. So I agrees having an animal/pet for they to love you etc is wow. Don't give up Strength, keep propelling forward. Sending you hugs so
Secouya
Secouya
I’m glad you were able to write out your feelings. I hope it helped some. I am sorry for what you have experienced. Not everyone is bad. I have to remember this myself. You have come to the right place for supports. People here have been through a lot, much like yourself and can relate to what you have been through. I hope you will continue to post. Hugs.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
Thinking of you day by day, Strength.
StrengthofMind
StrengthofMind
Still here Muji....albeit just an empty shell. No tears or care or drive to survive left. Very, very weak. Matter of time. Thanks for thinking about me. You have always been good to me....even in my past DS life.

No strength, to care, vent, help or wonder. Long term memory gone....short term if very short. Too overwhelmed to make simple choices...so I don't. Can't move forward.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
Thanks for saying back that you're still there, Strength. Also, thanks for saying I've always been good to you. You've always been good to me, too, you're the reason I joined DS back in 2012 when I first came here. Thinking of you tonight wishing you a gift of strength to you from somewhere I don't even know.
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