A sad song or sad movie could help.

I’ve done the same thing for a long time, actually it was about three years that I just wanted to and it hurt to even try, just when I thought I was about to actually finally be able to let it out and have a good cry I would just bottle back up. The only thing that helped me was to actually focus on a specific memory that was causing the emotions. For me I would start to feel the emotions from one memory and the just bounce to the next, I would have to sit and focus on it and really tell myself to cut the macho man crap and connect to how I felt and then I could cry. It sucks and it hurts, but if you can get one tear the next time you might get two. I still try to not cry and get all emotional but it’s a relief when I can.

i had that for so many years, Kate. it was such a horrible feeling, i remember. i'm so sorry you are feeling this way.

it felt like Noomee said, like i was disconnected from being alive. i still feel that way sometimes. i think it is part of ptsd or the dissociation - or shutting ourselves away from the pain of the trauma - that we did in order to survive it.

it sounds like, now you are feeling pain though. that is a big step and difficult. no wonder you dissociate, it takes some practice to feel pain. the tears will come. they will.

when you feel, i think, safe enough, ok enough, something like that - it's when they came for me.

when it happens, try to just let them happen - let them flow, if you can. gentle hugs xo

Thank you, Kate. I have been struggling mightily in recent weeks with present day stresses that are dragging on and on and on and. . . and I think you might have pointed me to the very direction I need to be looking. Maybe. . . Sorting with you?

I haven't actually used my conditioned summary yet, "I wish I could cry. So fucking stupid. I hurt but can't cry. I simply dissociate. It sucks ass." but wonder now if I am currently on the brink with using different ways of saying the same thing. At this stage, I am defending myself against the ways the various THEYs of my life have told me I'm so fucking stupid. The stereotypes. The clever repartees of domestic war zones. The traumatic lessons from the school of hard knocks.

Forgive my babbling. . . It is very hard to make or see sense today. . .

Plying therapy tools as best I can. . . Hope healing happens here.

Yeah that sucks, I get that too, the tears come later though. I remember after my best friend died and my therapist asked me if i cried. I thought it was weird she asked me, I did cry before she died and at the funeral, but then it just stopped

Now 2 years later I have cried for her. You can't force it to come with PTSD I think it gets shelved. SOme advantages to that too I think

I dissociate instead of crying, too. I learned it on the job when I was a little domestic violence survivor. Crying when I was hit just got me hit more--or at least that's what both hitter parents said. Who knows? As determined child abusers they may well have just hit me no matter what.

Anyway, now I'm left being a person who has a threshold for pain that's too high. Coming here to practice saying "ouch" is a big thing for me. I hope it is for you, too. You're not alone, Kate.

Hey Kate,
I've had the same issues. I still don't cry much but it is something you can relearn how to do once you feel like it is safe to cry. My therapist could always make me cry. Best of luck. I know it Sucks.

Hugs... you will get better... Are you seeing any therapist or counsellor about this? If not, worth considering making that trip to see how they can helpyou to heal.. Remember, this is temporary. It wouldn’t have to be permanent if you begin to deal with them. Praying for you. God bless!

Thanks to all. TW! Yes, I am seeing a counselor. Mujicaptsd, I think you hit it dead on. I have a vivid memory from when I was quite young (4?). In the memory, she is smacking me repeatedly across the face and yelling at me to stop crying. In the memory as she is hitting me, I tell her I can't stop crying because she is hitting me and it hurts. I can feel all the sadness and feeling of being unloved because I am bad in this moment. It did not stop her, but I think there is a reason in particular for my remembering that time I got my ass kicked. Something to think on, and at least I didn't dissociate completely with the recall. Time to rest.

I have no answers, Kate, just hugs, triple hugs~

Well, I am working on being kind to myself. Perhaps the reason that beating sticks in my memory is to remind me that I am quite strong and brave. Most kids would not say anything because of fear of the response. I would like that to be a better reminder than the feeling of being unloved.