Yeah - when I am having a bad day, and it takes me ten minutes to walk what others cover in a matter of seconds - I want to scream that life is just not fair!

My hubby is great, but he tends to have an "excess of personality" meaning he likes to be the center of the room, to be loud and happy, and to include everyone in laughter... It is amazing how many bosses hate that. He has been having a lot of trouble lately because his old high school buddies, who are all single, have money. He has been unemployed for two years and because we started a family (oops) back when we were in our early 20s - so we have never had money - we have had family. He has gained 300lbs over this... and now has stage II hypertension.

We all need to take a deep breath and vent it out and get going on our way.

Yadlim and my Misha

Amen.

I went to one class reunion. I saw nothing there but the same people who were no different than in school. I had changed so much---gone so far and done so much else---it was an alien world. Who had babies, jobs, etc.---I was so grateful then simply to be alive!

I dont' worry too much anymore. I was compared so negatively by my sis to my sis etc., I just figured I'd do my best on my own rocky little path and see where it led.... So far, been a heck of a trip up and down and all around, but y'know, sometimes the view's been so amazing I cant envy anyone else their road.... Mine's had such beauty to it despite the potholes!

Oh, Muji, I did this. Went to see my best friend, and I was ashamed because she was doing as we both were before, so well, and I was not. I told her, We talked. At the reuinion I looked great. I was actually fine, until they started the music. The wrong music that squealed and buzzed and drummed at the wrong tempo. I found myself angyy. The sound made me angry, hitting every raw nerve. I recommend ear plugs or cotton balls in your ears. I went to a party later with a friend, and I had cotton balls in my ears. A mutual friend asked him why. the friend I went with knew. He didn't know what to say. So, I told her, an old friend,. She, I found out had some terrible anxiety disorder that had left her incapacitated. We all have our crap. My reunion was, overall, fun.

What a great read, you're certainly not alone, I have those feelings too.

I recently skipped my 10 year high school reunion, mainly because I would compare myself to everyone there, and I would most certainly "lose"

A book called The Moses Code taught me we have two things, the ego, and the soul.
Our ego is what we learn over our lives, the bad things, the voice in your head that says "I should have this" Your Ego wants to acquire things, assets, possessions, "success"

Your soul on the other hand, wants to give. There is a real joy in helping someone else in need, that's your soul being for filled.

When I see someone with something I feel I "should have" sure, I immediately get envious, bitter even, then I try to remember, I have a great opportunity to truly attain the things I want, and when I really think about it, I have many things to be grateful for.

Please don't beat yourself up for feeling this way :)

It's so easy to imagine someone else's life is perfect when all we get is a small glimpse of it that comes from within our own minds for the most part..

It's great to have insight into ourselves though and wrestle some of these demons... I sometimes wrestle with the woulda, coulda, shoulda and waste even more time

Big hug for you muji... You are such a wonderful gift to DS I would hate to have anyone else in your shoes...x

Muji, I can relate totally to feelings of envy and jelousy. They flare up for me. I went to a school reunion, 30th, and I was a sex worker and mentally ill. I had always had a dream of being a registered nurse. anyway, there were some women there who looked genuinely happy, and who were registered nurses. It hurt.
Well, these days I'm doing a lot better - I work as an assistant nurse, and I've got over 8 years sobriety, some good friends, a roof over my head and food in my belly. I'm pretty happy these days.
And, I love what someone else said - the ego is about more, the soul is about giving.
when I'm giving support and care, I feel happy and 'full'.
And you, Muji - I think you've done incredibly well, and you are a very kind, giving person. You should be proud. And - don't feel bad for natural feelings of envy and jelousy, Let them blow through you.

I will go with the "time to be grateful " here.
I don't go to reunions, because the one person that organizes ours,was the most plastic person in the whole groups of students that I remember. I also only ever remembered a few. I get "I remember you!", a lot from people, for me? they are a blank. There was so much going on in those years, that it was enough just to get my work done, then the other hours I was underwater(in it) swimming miles a day for the team.
I really don't remember them and sometimes answer.."really? you didn't make an impression on me." when not in a good mood... before I think how that sounds. Then I am self conscious and exit stage left.

My life has had so much in it that just surviving seems to be enough.

Muji you have so many reasons to be proud of your accomplishments, You inspire me.That and sheer stubbornness to complete my first year of classes is what drives me now.

J.

Thanks for sharing your own experiences with the pitfalls of comparing yourself unfavorably to others. It's good to have some facts reaffirmed. First of all, the idea that others have it better is often more imagination than reality. When you get up close to them, their warts begin to show, too. Secondly, not only is comparison an act of fantasy, but it's important to look at the reality our fantasy is avoiding. That reality is that our own progress is slow, but it's there, and we can be grateful for it.

Those are 2 things I learned form your replies here, so thank you for those. I was up last night thinking about this stuff, and I learned a lot from you in the process.

Muji, may I just add that I think your success reach far beyond the size of a campus or figures in a checkbook.

You have a depth, wisdom and kindness I can tell just from reading your posts on the internet.

I think the rewards of this life are to be reaped once we no longer inhabit it.

I suffer quite a bit from the green monster. I hate that I do. I will be thinking I have done pretty good considering my challenges then I see someone doing much better. I see people who have truly overcome and succeeded in areas that at age 49 I am just beginning to deal with.

I want to give this post a 'RIGHT ON ', 'HIGH FIVE' AND 'AMEN BROTHERS AND SISTERS' :) CAN I GET A WITNESS "HALLELUJAH".

:)

I do not have that envy, especially since I know that the people who attempted to remove me from the workforce after the truth about their crimes came out are in a much worse place than I am.
Most of the females that are harassing me have turned into hookers, desperately trying to find some Joes that can pay their bills while raising their little mutts. The others, fat, uneducated, desperate, are trying to linger in unfulfilled lives of dead marriages while babysitting their spoiled grand kids. Then there are the ones that I got away from who made such awful choices that even though they make more money, it is actually their unwise and awful choices that are swallowing most of their money.

During times of increased income I do not notice happiness, so I don't think they do either.

Sign me on. I tried but today the vile bile of envy got me....

Saw a woman my age training for a 10K---after she was hurt by an IED serving overseas---and yes, she has PTSD.

I thought, "Oh bleep.... I am *such* a loser! Wah! Why can't that be me?!"

Oh well, at least we can vent it here where no one will shame us with that BS about "Count your blessigns". People, I count 'em. Every day. And some days I still feel like cussing. Just is what it is. Part of the grieving, I guess.
How come envy isn't a grieving stage like denial anger etc.?

Y'know envy that this person's spouse is alive/okay etc.....
whatever...

Pampasgrass, in 2008 I was associate pastor at a big church (I won't name the town) and saw the kind of corruption you're talking about at what was to me a high level. So I resigned in protest when the senior pastor divorced his wife of 20 years and married a parishioner 4 months later. He was in the wrong for all to see. As teachers aren't supposed to sleep with students, so pastors and parishioners, right?

No, the congregation let him hold his wedding to his new parishioner bride right there in the church sanctuary. The senior pastor has been making phone calls every time I apply for a job anywhere, and has directly caused 2 job offers to be withdrawn after offered to me once he spoke to the person offering me the job. Eventually I just gave up my church ordination, something I had worked toward for my whole life, and went into hospital chaplaincy. Working for a hospital turned out to be more honest that working for a church, just speaking from my experience.

Corruption is a problem, and I don't see how those who benefit from it really enjoy the spoils of their corruption. This senior pastor who married his parishioner and speaks ill of me to employers went on to run for U.S. Congress, next, though, so I don't think he quite gets it yet. It takes time, I suppose.

Isn't it occasion for temptation to envy yet again, though? To envy those who've gotten to work for honest bosses? I'll admit that to met it is again. The temptation is to believe that I keep running into corruption, when others work with those who are honest. Yet once again, we could be thinking the grass is always greener on the other side there, too.

I know. Getting into careers sounds important. But don't forget the crushing disappointment when you don't just fail at a job, you fail at a profession, a career, especially a helping profession like being a pastor. One in which your own personal faith is involved. It really hurt to "fail" a the church politics of being an associate pastor when that senior pastor pulled what he did and got away with it.

A lot of people got to hear him tell everybody that I quit because I was "bipolar," too. He actually told that to the church board members in a meeting. I heard about it and confronted him, and he just laughed and said I couldn't take a joke. So they got to point their fingers and shake their heads and cluck their tongues in pity and disapproval, and my side never got told. As I said, he went on to call references for my jobs later on and do the same, and one of them called me angrily and balled me out based on lies he told them that I never got to correct. I know it's hard for you, but be glad you've missed that side of career politics, Lilly.

It took years for me to see the silver lining in that. It was a real silver lining, too, better than if I hadn't "failed" there. In time I knew I didn't really fail. I kept honest and kept the faith when I was tested hard. But it took time. In the meantime, as Lou Reed said, "it took a busload of faith to get by."

You do wonderful work here, Lilly. As you know, you helped me with that old friend of mine who goes all the way back to the 1980s, but that has been erratic since I moved nearer. That's just one concrete example of how your work here helped me offline.

The story you're referring to from the Bible sounds like the story knows as the story of the widow's mite. And yes, it applies, point of it being it isn't the size of the gift, but the size of the heart of the giver. And as Tom Petty said it in that song "Walls," "you got a heart so big/it could crush this town."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfS6Nl962Qg