We in my head are "lucky," if you can call it lucky, that we have only the emotions and some low level physical feelings of soreness in various places and/or arousal. Also that fun skin-crawling feeling, and/or the incredibly-dirty feeling.

...My guy ( whom I have express permission to talk about ) has full audio, visual and all-sensory replay when he has flashbacks.
Because of the way in which his uncle abused him, this causes him to vomit when it happens. It's made dealing with the flashbacks very hard for him. (And not incidentally, has made me burn in incandescent rage at the pile of walking excrement that is my guy's uncle...)

The flashbacks can actually be seen as your brain trying to process the trauma...just a damn painful and inconvenient way of doing so.
When a flashback occurs...Hmm...what do I do? I remember that it is NOT NOW. The feelings are canned feelings. It is especially hard to remember the fear is canned fear.

I try to breathe deeply and deliberately relax my muscles. I try to get in touch with someone to help me through it, since I went through it alone the first time. I cry a LOT. If I had felt the grief and rage at the time it would have killed me. I write down all the details, I find that as I type them I get more of them.

The thing is? I have been doing this for some years, and I'm pretty desensitized to stuff now. I've faced down the worst the horrorshow in my head has to offer, and beat it.
You can beat yours too, mister.
...As my guy says, the worst thing that can happen to you , to me, and to him as well, already has.
We can beat this.
(((Safe hugs)))

Hi Alex. Welcome to the forum. Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. You are not alone.

I, too, suffered sexual abuse as a child. Gnarly stuff. It sure mixes the signal reception. When I was young, I found that normal, healthy urges could trigger body memories of the abuse. Felt like Nature's cruelty on high. The feeling plagued me all the way to menopause. For me, menopause was a blessed relief.

Vigorous physical workouts were my best relief. Long hikes in the wilderness were my favorite. Finding inanimate objects like old trash piles to beat up on helped, also. If you have access to a gym, or some such, it might be helpful to visit on a regular basis

And then there is sharing the load by talking about it in places like this. I went through experience with this started in the late 60s when nobody would admit this kind of stuff happens, much less help anyone through it. We are here for you, Alex. Lean freely and often.

Welcome Alexxxm. I hope you get some relief from the pains of this. Though it may seem you are traveling backwards at times, it's really your mind just processing the past. I will admit that's hard to see or believe in the moment.
Here you will find many with this kind of knowledge that can offer you some insight and hope. We all go through waves of greatness mixed in with the pain. At different points there will be someone that can hear you. It took me a long time to think of myself as a survivor, but I guess I am.
Jewells

Alex, welcome and I am so freaking sorry you experienced that hell. It was the one thing I didn't run into---but I have very vivid physical flashbacks from my dad's rage-outs. (Oddly, my sister's are more about emotion, but that's just the way PTSD is---).... I can literally collapse breathless and be taken to the hospital by ambulance. I work on grounding myself in Here-and-Now to minimize these types of flashbacks, but the truth is, I'm about 2 years into PTSD symptoms and dx'd about 18 months. I'm very much a "rookie" at this.

For me, grounding mostly means exercises I learned in therapy---and I am on meds, just had them increased--- but nothing works 100 percent for me. Fifty is about as good as it gets, and then I'm living it all in my head, just without the severe physical symptoms. Not much more fun, but I at least don't need oxygen from paramedics.

I also find small activities help. I draw circles over and over in my sketchpad. If I'm up at 2 AM, I dust all the shelves in the house--- it's repetitive, small, and I can match it to the breathing exercises I've learned to do--- another one is to interrupt the sensations of the "past" by dunking my hands in ice water or drinking some, smelling something strong (I keep a vial of eucalyptus oil with me, it's pretty intense), by saying aloud what I feel, see, and hear around me, in between slow deep breaths, so I can reak that loop telling me I'm then-there instead of Here-Now.

I wish I had a solution for you, but I've only got soft sympathetic healing wishes for you. Lean on us, talk to us, we're here, and you are *not* alone.

Purrs,
Leo

Hi Alex, welcome to the group. I am so very sorry that you have gone this. Like hylie mentioned, the flashbacks (and other feelings of PTSD) is your mind trying to work through the trauma, even though it is pure hell to go through. Again, like hylie mentioned, one of the helpful things is telling yourself that it is not happening to you now, it's in the past. I also (like hylie) do the deep abdominal breathing, this helps me stay connected to the way my body is reacting, for me, it helps gives me something to focus on to distract me from the flashbacks. This forum has a lot supportive and compassionate people in it, I hope it becomes helpful to your healing.

Oh my that is so horrible. That is so unfair. Has he ever paid for what he has done? You have been through so much I am so sorry. I wish I knew what to tell you to help but I don't know what would help. :(

you are not alone good place for support many can relate it gets better dont give up

Sorry for the pain that brought you here, but glad you found us. I was one of 5 elementary school kids preyed upon repeatedly by an adult pedophile from age 10-12. My family didn't comfort me when I turned to them for healing, and retraumatized me frequently afterward. It's hard to say which did the most damage--the original sexual assault, or the beatings my parents gave me "to make me a man." My mother was the greatest force behind that abuse, sad to say.

TRIGGER WARNING:
So after that I was on my own as to finding out how to survive them and the sexual assault, too. I had lots of flashbacks in which I re-lived the rapes WHILE being beaten at that moment by my parents because they found my victimization disgusting for them. That left me with some doozies as far as flashbacks as an adult.

What's great, though, is that hear I find people who will lend an ear even for stories like that. I am not alone. You'll find you won't be, either. Welcome. This is a healing group.

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