TW

We all have those things that take us back to our childhood.

Dont tell we will both get in trouble

Both of getting in trouble meant I got double trouble 

If I didn’t need medical attention it didn’t happen - are you okay? Yes. End of discussion. If I needed medical attention it happened but there was no discussion. What I remember from one event that demanded answers from outsiders is all their questions, and none of my answers. That’s hard. I remember a friend of mine asking me two years later why he’d done that to me and I remember this far disconnected response “I don’t know.” I remember not knowing what to say and truly not knowing why he’d done that. I remember thinking “I’m not him, how can I know why?”

My therapist has me thinking about what started my self doubt. It’s not really that people told me it didn’t happen, just that things proceeded as if nothing had happened. At least I think that’s what it is.

 I’m chatting now because I’m having a lot of self doubt today.

about reaching out for help, though help has been a good thing and I think maybe I’m making a new safe friend. I’m scared that she’s not safe because I don’t trust people at all. I trust her husband and one other mutual friend more than I trust anyone I know. I worked with them for years and her husband helped me find a second legal opinion and respected my wish not to share much with him. I trust he is who he says he is within the walls of our business. And his judgment has proved helpful to me in my personal life as well - that legal connection and other encouragement he didn’t even know he was giving. He obviously trusts his wife more than anyone else on earth and knowing what I needed to divulge he offered her up as an ear. That was awkward but I took them up on that and chatted with her last night. 

I genuinely feel terrified that no one is who they say they are. And I made an enormous decision that begs me to trust some others are who they say they are. I don’t. But I’m choosing to trust God. I’m praying this is a good positive healthy decision. I’m recognizing that even still I don’t trust my own judgment. That version of me who doesn’t trust anyone, even herself, she freezes. She gets stuck. It’s that feeling that there is no good decision. It makes me crumble. I’m not okay today but I’m moving forward regardless.