It's been a while, lol. How y'all doing? This is gonna be a wild rant. So in the time I was gone, I found out I have a half sister. She's the result of my dad cheating on my mom. She's 10 years old. I'm still a little iffy about her. I obviously know she had no control over what her parents did. (I'm not even 100% sure if it's my dad's or not, just because she was cheating on her husband at the time as well.) She's a sweetheart and fun to talk to. She tells me her fears. And one of her fears is loosing a loved one. Understandably, she's 10. She's understanding how death works and everything. 

Anyway, so idk if I have ever told anyone this, but I used to cut. 3.5 years ago. I've been clean for 3.5 years. I only have one scar from that time. I have a new habit where I hit my wrist with a hairband when I want to cut, or I draw on my body. And those work wonderfully. But last night, I was depressed badly. I can't do what I want to, which is dance. Dance lessons are too expensive where I live. So I was cooking last night I was cooking and an impulse that I haven't had in years, took over me and I cut myself. For the first time in 3.5 years, I cut myself. And I hate how much it was a relief. It was a relief and I felt a better afterwards. So my arm is currently wrapped. It honestly feels like I'm at my ends meet. I've been depressed and my mom's mad at me. My mom got mad at me for taking the rice out. I was planning on eating it, but I lost my appetite and didn't feel like eating it anymore. And she got mad at me because I had it out and didn't eat it. She called me lazy. She said "you don't want it anymore because you don't want to heat it up." When I tried to explain she didn't even give me the time of day to explain it. She took the rice and yelled at me about being lazy. And ya know, I just took it. Because it's never worth trying to change her mind. Her therapist has always told her to give me a chance when's she's mad at me because it may not be what she thinks, but do I see that at home? No. So of course, I've been a little stressed out. And then she holds grudges. She knows what to do to make me feel bad. She did this to me last night because "I was giving her attitude." While I was cooking. No I was listening to music, but do you think she cared? No. She KNEW I had an attitude and so she was like "I'm just trying to be helpful." Making all sorts of snarky remarks making me feel bad for listening to music and ignoring her. She always manages to do that and it's annoying. It makes me feel infeirin. And when I call her out on it, she's like "I don't do that." Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but when I try to understand she get mad. Her getting mad at me last night was probably one of the reasons my impulse came back. DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA HOW ANGRY I AM THAT MY IMPULSE CAME BACK?! IM SO ANGRY ITS BEYOND HUMANLY POSSIBLE FOR EVEN ME TO UNDERSTAND! but she just doesn't understand anything I say when it comes to my mental health. It's driving me insane! Even my cousins side with her. When I talked to my cousin recently she's like "you're too hard on your mom." Bruh, I'm not doing shit. I call her out on her bullshit, make her emotional for calling her out and I'm the bad guy! It's like a never ending war. And im always on the loosing side. Don't get me wrong, I have a good relationship with my mom. I love her to death. But she just can't, refuses to understand, no matter what I do. And it's frustrating.. I don't know what to do.

Cry