I hate you are experiencing those things. I know how it is. The thoughts racing so fast you wouldn’t even be able to get it on paper and trying to just grab a thought and stick to that one and sort it out (the catching butterflies technique) is a lot harder than what it seems it should be. I rarely go to church because it triggers me big time. People bombard me every time I go. Are you working? Are you going to school? Why is your husband still working at the same place after 15 years? Do you have any kids? Then they ask “Why not?” Oh and a million other questions come. I get so frustrated I get out of there as quickly as I can. If my husband happens to be off work I just wait until then and wait until he can go with me because when he is there no one seems to ask these questions and then when I seem standoffish to people they ask what’s wrong. Anyway I say nothing and they’ve even been bold enough to ask me if I’m taking my meds. My husband had the brilliant idea one time when I was in the psych ward to tell people that is where I was getting my meds straightened out and told them what I was diagnosed with and I was mad at him for awhile after that because some people use it as a weapon and things got real bad at church after that. Oh but when he is around no one messes with me. Sometime I am quiet and don’t wanna talk to people because sometime it is best I don’t and they can’t respect that. Anyway not trying to go on a rant but then I get home after I’m at church and feel extremely overwhelmed. I not only have PTSD I have Bipolar Disorder and Social Anxiety and Major Depressive Disorder so it makes it all hard and complicated. I am only on one psychiatric med right now and sometime I wonder if it’s because I don’t go around people that much anymore. I mean sure I may go to a movie or to get a cup of coffee or to the convenience store but those are normally times when I know it’s not going to be so busy and when I go to a movie my husband is there. Sometime he goes and gets coffee with me especially if it’s a busy time of day. Anyway I have learned my triggers over the years and I guess I am just allergic to humans. I also have a lot of physical health issues so I don’t work because of it and I am judged because of it. I’ve had people even make comments to me about not having children and that I better get a move on and I just stand their shocked and then go out to my car or in a bathroom and cry. People here seem to be so up in my business. I met some people from up north the other day and I swear they asked me no personal questions because we had just met and ironically it was over a cup of coffee at a restaurant and they sat near me and we got started talking because the ladies 4 year old grandson wanted to talk to me and show me his pink unicorn. Anyway it was nice to talk to someone who I didn’t feel judged by. My husband is from Jamaica and no one there ask me personal questions and we all have good conversation and a great time. When I first met him in fact he didn’t even ask where I worked at the time we just started having a conversation over politics or religion or something like that and we always say together when we would all go out with friends and then a little over a year later we decided to start dating. It was nice to be around someone who wasn’t judging me. I’m even judged by people because I’ve lived in the same apartment over 14 years!!! Anyway rent is cheap and we have no kids and the landlord is great. They start the whole so when are y’all gonna start looking for a house and I had a psychiatrist from Pennsylvania that was here to work in the south and I told her what was happening and she was frustrated for me and she said you look at them and tell them none of your business but unfortunately here it is offensive and then you get gossiped about how rude you are if you tell them none of your business. Anyway I am totally on a rant about people. I don’t do people well at all especially since I was diagnosed with PTSD 13 years ago and Major Depression and then later Bipolar with Social Anxiety. I feel like a prisoner sometime. I have my husband to talk to some of the time (he works a lot) and my sister is good to talk to. My mom not so much and my dad is good to talk to and my brother when he comes around (he is mentally ill) and my grandmother is good to talk to. So I do have some support. I hope you have some support too. I hope I didn’t scare you off. I don’t get a whole lot of interaction with others except on here and I don’t do Facebook at all.

Gentle empathy, Waz. I have evidence galore that I have made stellar progress in my therapy, but when I am in the grips of a psychotic episode, I feel reduced to the hopeless child I was, years before my first therapy appointment. If *this* is progress, shoot me now, please. Where is the cure for the common me?

How are you feeling today?

I see how thoughts ahead about Christmas would ripple back into your head now and swirl around, waz. It's how it goes for me. I just saw my psychiatrist this week and he said I'm making progress like you were told you are.

But my Christmas plans to get away to Mexico just went up in smoke from a phone call I got from my surgeon's nurse yesterday about my surgery Dec. 3. I made my Christmas plans in August not knowing I'd have this surgery on Dec. 3, so when I found out two weeks ago I'd be having it I still clung to the hope I'd make it to Mexico for Christmas anyway. Now I was told last night that was a fantasy.

Christmas is hard for me, as are all holidays, since I followed my therapist's advice and ended contact with my abusive family. Just talking to them was feeding my PTSD all the time, amping it up. But I'm all alone now, like you are after your wife's passing that you mentioned.

I can relate to your talking to her still after five years, because I talk out loud to people from my past when I'm alone, too. Hey, it helps, so people can call it crazy, but whatever works. I'm with you, waz.

Thanks for the support and understanding. Today is anew day and after a good nights sleep I am feeling a lot better, even though it is Remembrance Day here. I went to a local service and teared up a bit, but all good. Thanks again.

Glad you had a better night. As a civilian war vet of 6 years of combat, I'm avoiding Remembrance Day. Not out of disrespect to the soldiers lost and the others who survived combat like I did. But because Remembrance Day does what it says, and I remember too much already. Wish there were a Forgetting Day when it comes to what combat wired into my brain when I was a kid in a war zone.

Yes, it means many things to different people. Take care and look after yourself. Thanks again for the support.