We were SUPPOSE to work on my abuse i went thru as a child but i had written the poem i posted on here yesterday about the abuse from my late husband. I know now in my head (my heart is still confused) that he would of killed me if he had not been in that car accident and later died from it. He was trying to purchase a gun even though i had past suicide attempts. His beatings were esculating with me, hitting me worse with the belt every time and rapidly increasing in how often as well and was hitting me with the buckle too now. For the first time i was able to say it outloud and not just write it. I hate him hate him hate him! BUT i feel guilty for him being in the car he went to the gas station for me and he suffered 19 months and died becasue of it. My therapists point of view is God was protecting me she knows im a christian. She asked me if i believe hes a loving and mericful God i said yes she said so do you think he would want to protect someone else in the situation that was terrified to leave and of course my answer was Yes so she said why cant I deserve to be safe as well. Its hard to take it i know in my head shes right. But the guilt will not leave me. I took care of him lovingly i never even raised my voice to him, he had everything he could ever want and i held him as he died as i cried my eyes out holding him and mom holding me crying. I never wished him dead but i did pray he wouldnt keep suffering anymore i wanted him to be outta all the pain he was in he became quadleplegic with 5 TBIs and many other injuries. I dont with that on anyone. Well except child abusers!!!!! My heads so messed up please someone tell me how to wrap my heart around this? I keep wanting to cut and im going to have 2 years cut free a week from tomorrow.