Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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My sis just called, crying, because our [censored] of a father upset her. Again. That [censored] [censored] !!!!!!! GRRRRRR!!!! Aaaaaaarrrggggghhh!
(Breathe, Neo, breathe.)
Sry. Needless to say, I'm f*cking furious. (My sister crying always sends me into full protective-rage mode once I've calmed her down.)
Okay, I hate the guy, but by now usually it's the cold, calm, stay-away-and-you'll-be-fine kind. Well, I'm already additionally pissed because he made her cry *on her birthday* and that's just a dickmove. Gigantic one. Told her that she's been brainwashed and if she doesn't change she should burn in Hell. And that he'd kill her mother. (Used to do that every year with me until I broke contact. First time he's done it with her.).
And now again, not even a week later. [censored]
Okay, enough with the rant. I'm a bit calmer now. (Breathe.)
Thing is, I know that it's his untreated bipolar that makes him act like this and it keeps getting worse. Sometimes I barely remember that there ever was a person underneath it all, one of the kindest, most loving, compassionate, charming, selfless people you'd ever meet. My father. But I haven't talked to that person in almost a decade, all that seems to be left is that twisted, abusive, manipulative shell.
And sometimes I wonder if I'm being too hard on him. With most of my traumas there's no one to blame. Either it was no one's fault or the people are dead or unknown to me. While I don't count his shit as trauma (aggravating circumstance maybe), he's there, he is someone I can be angry at.
So it might not be unusual to transfer some of the other anger onto him. Because I *am* angry. I don't deserve so much shit in my life. My sheer amount of bad luck is almost ridiculous. (Not that it's all bad, far from it, I've had a lot of brilliant things too.)
So maybe he gets more of it than *he* deserves. Thoughts?
Thanks for listening.
(Breathe, Neo, breathe.)
Sry. Needless to say, I'm f*cking furious. (My sister crying always sends me into full protective-rage mode once I've calmed her down.)
Okay, I hate the guy, but by now usually it's the cold, calm, stay-away-and-you'll-be-fine kind. Well, I'm already additionally pissed because he made her cry *on her birthday* and that's just a dickmove. Gigantic one. Told her that she's been brainwashed and if she doesn't change she should burn in Hell. And that he'd kill her mother. (Used to do that every year with me until I broke contact. First time he's done it with her.).
And now again, not even a week later. [censored]
Okay, enough with the rant. I'm a bit calmer now. (Breathe.)
Thing is, I know that it's his untreated bipolar that makes him act like this and it keeps getting worse. Sometimes I barely remember that there ever was a person underneath it all, one of the kindest, most loving, compassionate, charming, selfless people you'd ever meet. My father. But I haven't talked to that person in almost a decade, all that seems to be left is that twisted, abusive, manipulative shell.
And sometimes I wonder if I'm being too hard on him. With most of my traumas there's no one to blame. Either it was no one's fault or the people are dead or unknown to me. While I don't count his shit as trauma (aggravating circumstance maybe), he's there, he is someone I can be angry at.
So it might not be unusual to transfer some of the other anger onto him. Because I *am* angry. I don't deserve so much shit in my life. My sheer amount of bad luck is almost ridiculous. (Not that it's all bad, far from it, I've had a lot of brilliant things too.)
So maybe he gets more of it than *he* deserves. Thoughts?
Thanks for listening.
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Sometimes, I think I have ODD. I can be oppositional. It seems that the only times that I feel like cleaning are when I should be doing something else or I have to go somewhere. Well, not everytime but most of the time. Yesterday, I was supposed to be doing online training for work but instead, I decided to work on my kitchen table. Most of the time, I don't know where to start and give...
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I have a possible new diagnosis to discuss with my therapist tomorrow. It might be the answer to a question that I have had since I was 19. It's called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). It happens to a large percentage of people with ADHD, which I have. Actually, I have been watching videos about ADD/ADHD lately. I remember my Mom telling me that she watched a show on ADD and she...
So he's been accusing others of being brainwashed my whole life and sending people to hell a lot. I knew he was completely mentally ill when one day he did the biggest Jekyll and Hyde ever. He had preached one day at church and had been charming. Next thing I know he grabs my mom by the hair in a sudden rage and bangs her head against her window in the car on the way home. That's a scene I'll never forget.
I got away from my dad, too, but I wondered if I'd been too hard on him. Then I found out he's been kicked out of his church, and the country where he was a missionary kicked him out, too, deporting him. But still nothing's his fault, and everybody else is going to hell.
I grieve the fact that he never got simple bipolar medication. He could have been a charming guy, and I could have had a loving dad. I know what you mean about good luck and ridiculous bad luck in life, too.
I don't think it's wrong for you to be angry. I just try to process it with Kubler Ross's stages of grief: denial, ANGER, bargaining, depression, acceptance. That puts it in context and helps make that anger useful for something.
You're not alone.
It helps me to keep the cause of injury and the coping/healing in separate contemplations. Why I was hurt is pretty irrelevant to cleansing and treating the wounds. First things first. You have wounds to heal. Heal first. Set boundaries you can feel safe with.
Does anybody "deserve" to be sick? None of us deserves this, but here we are, stuck with it anyway. Yea, your dad is getting more than he deserves, but so is the rest of the family. I worry more about what works. I worry about what works, one move at a time. I help when I can and let the rest go.
Gentle support while you find what works for you, Neo. Big subject.
Unfortunately, she didn't reciprocate. She's giving me all the sh*t she'd like to give my dead dad and dead sis. Some of it, however, I "earned" in her eyes b/c I didn't keep up the happy lies.
THat said, your dad sounds like he's reallllllly being unkind. So even if he's ill, he's still causing pain. And it's okay to be angry about that. It *hurts*. Y'know?
Soft peaceful sorting for you.
I understand you set boundaries for yourself, so maybe you could reach out to your sister about her setting boundaries for herself?
While bipolar has a set of symptoms that may easily seem identifiable, nothing is really that simple. I think it can be complicated when the offenders are family members because we are conditioned - from birth - that we should keep those people in our life. We let them do more than we would strangers because they are "family" an in my experience, they are some of the closest people capable of hurting those around them the most.
I wish you peace as you sort through all of this and navigate the waters with your sister and your dad.